This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  fizzylem 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #86943

    One of my children broke down today, angry and crying and said their life has always been a mess and it’s because of me. I asked why and what id done and he told me it was because I welcomed that man into our home 🙁

    I am devastated. I know what that man did to me and the fact he hurt my child (I didn’t know this until long after I’d left him), I feel like such a failure as a mum. I’ve ruined my kids lives because of the mistake I made of letting him into our lives.
    Don’t know how this can ever be ok. My biggest fear has always been failing as a mother after I had a c**p upbringing, and yet here I am – I’ve done it. I’ve failed them and that can’t ever be changed 🙁

  • #86945
     Put the kettle on 

    Big hugs for you. Your child will be hurting and won’t understand the impact of their words, sometimes they struggle to express emotions. You’ve now got rid of the ex so you have stopped abuse continuing. If you and your child have learnt what is acceptable behaviour then it’s a lesson to learn from, they may be upset now but in the future they might have a better understanding of boundaries and abusive behaviour. Is there any counseling available for your child?

  • #86953

    Thanks, he is under camhs but refuses to see them:( yet he’s struggling so much.

  • #86975

    Hi C, I’ve felt like this before, remember it well; don’t buy into it with him, it’s not your fault at all, this man did what he did and neither you or your son had any control over that. We are all responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions hey. There are some horrid folk out there, sadly your son has learnt this now; so what you going to do next?

    It’s less about what happened until the child or we are ready to process it isn’t it; it’s more about meeting his needs and boosting his self esteem now so he feels happy and well in the world again.

    I would say I understand you are angry, I am too but; we need to find ways to be our best selves again dont we and we’ll do this together, or something like, in your own words obs.

    Get some books to help you both to process his anger if you havent already and to help you work out how to deal with it when it flares; there are loads out there. Also pinterest is good for worksheets.

    Bare in mind that its likely he’s struggling to tolerate his emotions so flips between being angry and emotionally withdrawn – he’s a child so verbally lashes out because he hasn’t learnt any self control nor does he understand what he feels or why, nevermind where they originate; so you need to put in some boundaries as these are always needed when managing anger.

    You’re allowing him to blame you like this man did; feel its my fault. You can understand he is angry and why but that’s where you draw the line. Youre working towards him being able to label how he feels / the emotions but he also needs to learn how to remain respectful when he expresses his anger hey, to own it – I’m angry because…he needs to learn how to articulate himself and his anger in a non violent way. Anger is a very useflul emotion when we draw from it to be assertive, when we feel in control, it empowers then, its dreadful though isnt it when we feel angry and out of control.

    Focus on building his emotional strength now – there are so many ways to do this isnt there, by meeting his needs and developing emotional health and a sense of wellbeing. He needs to develop an emotional vocabulary to start.

    It feels a bit hopeless now but he can and will grow from this, you both will, use it as fertilzer for growth and to build resiliance (know how and confidence). No one stays the same, you will both recover and be stronger for it x

  • #86977

    Good advice above but just wanted to add, even though it’s upsetting, he’s opening up about his feelings which is very very difficult. But it’s positive. Hiding feelings and bottling things up is extremely damaging. When he’s calm, ask him if he’s like to talk about it. Even though it’s painful, it’s good to get his feeling out and encourage him to talk to someone. Perhaps the school can recommend a counsellor there x you did nothing wrong. You were also a victim in all this, try to explain that when he’s calm and explain about learning this lesson together x

  • #87743

    Hi thanks both of you. I have talked more to my son about what he said and how he is feeling. I told him I totally get it, but that I am not responsible for what that man did. He knows I will always do my absolute best to keep him safe and we went through lots of examples of when he has seen me do this!
    I asked him who he thinks is really responsible for what my ex did and he said he blames himself because he had thought he was ok at the start. So I then asked him if he thought it is also his little sisters fault or his older brothers – as they didn’t realise to begin with either – he said no! So I said if it can’t be their fault, and it’s not my fault for the same reasons, the how could it possibly be his? I explained that the only person responsible was that man! We can only control our own behaviour and our own actions – it’s not possible to be responsible for someone else’s.
    He seemed to get it and accept it, and his behaviour has been a lot better since we had that talk.
    I’m just trying to build him up as much as possible and let him know how proud I am of him because he’s such an amazing, kind little boy. A boy whose been through stuff he shouldn’t have – but a boy who really is a caring young man x

  • #87754

    Awww so lovely to read! Thnaks for sharing, sounds like this has brought you a little bit closer together, connected and he’s been able to process how he feels and let go of the self blame. You are def winning today hey hun! And both feeling richer for it. Good stuff x

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