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    • #91703
      bumbum
      Participant

      I’m not sure whether this is the right area to post. I guess what I’m asking is, was this abuse? Rather than is it as its in the past…. anyway

      (Detail removed by moderator) sibling sexual abuse

      I have (detail removed by moderator) older brothers. Two of whom were abusive to me in various ways. A lot of these I have at least accepted happened and am working on recovering from it. Some things however I only recently admitted happened to me…

      I’ll start with the oldest brother. I Know that he was verbally and emotionally abusive most of my life. Recently however I remembered some other weird behaviors he had. These mostly consisted of forcing himself into the bathroom when I was washing, or into my bedroom whilst I was changing. I was very young when this happened. I cant remember my exact age but this happened pre-puberty into my early teens. He did this quite a lot. At first I didnt think much of it and didnt cover up. As I got older and older I would get more and more angry. It got to a point in which I screamed at the top of my lungs when he came into the bathroom to ‘wash his hands’ while I was in the bath. (to be clear he virtulaly never washed his hands or even bathed AND he would look at me). As you can imagine I was rather alarmed at this memory resurfacing. I cant really believe I repressed such a thing. (Detail removed by moderator) years older than me. So this was far from appropriate. I spoke to a friend recently and as far as she is concerned this was not only an invasion of my privacy but sexually abusive. I’m inclined to agree but would like some other confirmation so I can begin to process it.

      Phew OK, now for the other brother. This is much more complicated I will avoid getting to graphic so I dont trigger anyone. My other brother is (detail removed by moderator) older than me. When I was around (detail removed by moderator) he began to touch me inappropriately. At the time he convinced it was all a game, a fun secret just for us. Not unlike playing ‘mummies and daddies’ or ‘doctor’. I hate to admit but our home life was so horrible and abusive thanks to out parents that I liked this extra attention. I went along with it and it escalated to the point where we were being flat out sexual. It stopped but I cant remember when or why. In fact my memories of these incidents are rather foggy and vague. I realized as I entered my teens that what happened was awful and gross. So I repressed it and denied this happened for years. Mostly because I believed it was my fault. This mentality was encouraged by this him being physically and emotionally abusive thought the rest of my life. However after telling the same friend from before she insisted this was also abuse and that my brother was old enough to know better. The fact he insisted on keeping it secret is evidence of that I suppose but I still feel guilty. I guess I need more confirmation that he was abusive and I am not at fault…

      I think its important that I tell you I have only shared this information with three other people so far. I have yet to tell a doctor or therapist yet. I honestly dont know if I can talk about it face to face with another human. I feel ashamed and dirty. I can talk here because its anon and thats easier than people who know me finding out the truth.

      Please help me I am so confused.

    • #91704
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi , welcome to the forum and can I say that what you have disclosed was very very brave of you. I was similarly ‘groomed’ because this is what happened to you. I am so saddened to hear that you had to go through this experience as well. I was luckier I guess in that my brother didn’t go the full way with me but I really think he would have if he hadn’t been put out of the house. He was (detail removed by moderator) older than me. None of what happened to you was your fault, none of it. But it does shape the future you. I put what happened to me to the back of my mind, it wasn’t until I was in my teens, getting interested in boys that my memories of it started to resurface. I was angry, and ashamed and I think in a way I was an easy target for boyfriends to use and throw away until I met my first husband. I had no self respect for myself, didn’t care that I was called easy. I also saw that I was craving for someone to love me though. I met my brother a good few years ago,by accident. He actually apologised to me for what he did and at the time it did make me feel vindicated and as if a Weight had been lifted from me, but it’s only recently that I remembered that the conversation was all about him,how he’s lost everything,his family, his sister. Not once did he ask if I was okay,then again I’d never have told him I was anything other than okay. I showed the world that I thought life was like the coffee adverts, it’s far from that, I know those adverts are only make believe. I’ve been a good actress all my life,but someday you just can’t act as if its doesn’t bother you anymore can you?
      Be kind to yourself, do you journal your thoughts? I used to dream about him going to jail,couldn’t have gone through the court process though. But I know now that he’s been punished for what he did. Karma paid him back.
      IWMB 💞💞

      • #91864
        bumbum
        Participant

        I have tried journaling a few times but never stuck with it very long. I struggle with writing and didnt always find it helpful. I have a locked twitter account I use to rant on when Im in a bad mood or need to vent. It kinda helps I guess.

        I have no contact with either of these brothers, actually I have a restraining order on the eldest. I found cutting them out helped me a lot. I have been able to get some therapy and help. Its just hard to work though this mess.

    • #91796
      fizzylem
      Participant

      So sad and angry reading this, you clearly needed protecting and firm boundaries in place. I’m not surprised you blocked these memories out for a long time at all.

      Keep posting and hopefully one day you will feel ready to tell an experienced professional who can help you one day.

      Keeping hold of the secret only protects these men and continues to feel damaging. You are not dirty. You can recover from this and put the shame down, feel good about who you are, but it will take some time with the right therapist among other things. I realise this sounds unlikely because you feel this is simply who you are, after living and feeling this way for so long. Not true, people just like you do get help, make the changes they need and grow to feel comfortable with who they are.

      It’s great you are taking steps by posting. You set the pace, always, but you also need to recognise when you need help, are doing nothing and need to do something hey. Sometimes doing something is needed x

      • #91865
        bumbum
        Participant

        Thanks for commenting. I have had some therapy but I guess I wasnt completely honest with them or myself about what abuse happened. I want to get back into it sometime soon. Its difficult as I cant really afford it and you only get so many free sessions on the NHS.

    • #91933
      fizzylem
      Participant

      You’ve made a good a start already then, takes time to open up to someone, NHS is time limited, with the issues you are brining you need 2-4 years of therapy – long term, during this time the relationship and trust develops which enables you to say what you need to say and get what you need. Sometimes takes a number of episdoes of therapy before you find the one long term one, but no therapeutic time is ever wasted, it will have helped in some ways I’m sure and is a good start.

      Could you afford £50 a month? If so you might be able to get a good private psychotherapist for a few years, as most of these accept a couple of patients on low income a week at a much lower cost – it is what’s known as a sliding scale x

      • #92126
        bumbum
        Participant

        Unfortunately I cant afford anything in terms of counseling, not anymore at least. The cheepest local therapy I have found is £15 a week working with a trainee therapist. I attended it for a year but cant afford it since changing benefits. Im hoping to find some local drop ins or something similar.

    • #92008
      diymum@1
      Participant

      It’s so difficult to not let our childhood shape us but theirs no doubt it does. I was never sexually abused but I was degraded by the the person who should have loved me the most. Not their fault due to illness but never the less happened. When we’re neglected/abused there is always shame and the subject is almost always taboo. With exception to us ladies where here we can be open and honest 😅 and not be judged. It’s when we can’t get our feelings out it gets engrained. I struggle when I’m asked about my past. I know this isn’t your shame to carry bb XX I’m glad you made a start here and I hope you can start to feel safe in letting your feelings out. One step at a time to heal 💪😘

      • #92127
        bumbum
        Participant

        Thank you, that means a lot.

    • #92143
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Go to the BACP website, look for psychotherapists who have experience in working with childhood sexual abuse. Call and ask if they have this experience and how many years; if they have 10 plus years then also ask if they offer a sliding scale to people on low income. Do not let the published fee put you off. You want someone with experience that can offer you quality care.

      The good therapists always have a few slots a week to offer people on low income, they understand that accessing quality support is both needed and difficult. This is a really good way to ween out those therapists that can really help, those therapist who say no my fee is not negotiable, dont have your best interests at heart, are in for the money, and less so because its a vocation – these therapist are best avoided, they squeeze folk because they have slots available, those who really care and are expereinced are full, so do not feel the need to squeeze anyone; some will take as little as £5, as they do not want money to impact negaitively on the relationship and leave you feeling you need to drop out.

      The fact you are on a low income will only aid you in finding the right therapist for you. Yes you will get some rejections – fine say thanks anyway and call the next.

      Make it your mission that you need to feel happy with the person ‘you choose’. Read the guide on how to choose your therapist as well on the BACP. You’ve done well accessing the support you have so far, but you need someone with experience now who knows how to really help, someone long term so that you get the time you need to develop a trusting relationship first x

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