My Dad is ill

[Meringue]

My stepmother is caring for him. It’s been a few years now and doesn’t look like coming to an end very soon, although he is very unwell and there is no cure. My stepmother has been emotionally abusive to me and my sister for nearly all my life and as an adult, until recently,I just avoided contact with her. She is fairly obstructive and makes it hard for me to see him and to have anything other than a very superficial relationship with him which is hard because I love him very much. Now he is concerned that her caring role is too much for her and would like me to help more. I’d love to… but when I try to discuss this she is not keen. Says here’s no point. Doesn’t want me in the the house when she’s not here. Thinks I won’t look after him properly etc. I don’t know what their relationship is like when I’m not there but what I’ve always seen is her badgering him and being verbally aggressive. I find it really stressful being around her and it pains me to see her,for example forcing him to eat when he clearly doesn’t want to. (I’ve been anorexic and I know what that feels like).
The other day she mentioned that she is frightened of his reaction if she does something wrong. Said ‘everyone thinks he’s so gentle 4and easy going but he’s not always you know’.
I’m really struggling with this. I feel frightened of my ‘kind and gentle’ (in public) husband so obviously I don’t want to dismiss her statement, but Im struggling to feel compassion for her. I’m doing my best to communicate with her for his sake and finding it a fairly painful experience. I feel resentful towards her for her behaviour over so many years and for her preventing me from having any sort of relationship with him. It just doesn’t ring true for me. I do remember seeing him hit her once when I was little, but at the time she was being abusive to me and I thought he was trying to protect me. Usually he takes her side in any conflict and protects her. I’ve always found that hard, but just let it happen because I couldn’t see any way out of it.
Sorry not sure what I’m saying really. Just feeling a about bit sad…

[Lisa]

Hi Meringue,

Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear that your father is not very well and you are feeling confused and upset. Please know that you can phone the helpline any time you feel that you want to talk things through, it sounds like you are working through lots of conflicting thoughts and emotions. Please keep looking after yourself and get some help and support to change your situation with your husband. You deserve to be happy. We are all here for you so please keep posting.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[SaharaD]

It is what it is.

My father is verbally abusive with my mother. Accusations, insults, threats, etc.

My mother finds little manipulative ways of p*ssing off my father and then pointing out that he is the crazy one.

He explodes and vents. She is underhanded.

No wonder I’ve got b****y borderline personality. I never knew which parent was right because ultimately they were both wrong in how they dealt with their feelings and how they treated each other!

You don’t have to feel sympathy for her. You only have to do what feels right to yourself.

[SaharaD]

You can put your foot down and tell her to respect a dying man’s wishes.

[Author]

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