My daughter is terrified her dad will kill himself

[Hereforhelp]

(Detail removed by moderator) my (detail removed by moderator) daughter broke down in tears, she was shaking, teeth chattering real sobs (she’s autistic and rarely cries) . She told me she’s terrified her dad will kill himself and that he is like a stranger (her dad got furious with me a while back, (detail removed by moderator) and how he behaved, so aggressive, blaming me to our children, my daughter consoled him and he used that to his advantage). I consoled her, held her and did my best to reassure her. Husband has used emotional abuse to be ‘looked after’ for years. I became a servant, me and my children were is normality. Our home was falling apart as he wouldn’t do anything in the home yet if I suggested we got someone in to fix say a leaking pipe he would say that he can do it, he never did and when I asked why he wouldn’t he would say it was my fault as I am (detail removed by moderator) or the children were in his way. He said this without anger but lots of resentment.

I have started reading a Lundy Bancroft book as suggested on this forum, it is helpful, I find I am remembering so much more that husband did, maybe I blocked it out or there was so much that I minimised it as the years went by.
It was what he did/said to my daughter and son a while back that finally I SAW him, it didn’t matter how he denied or belittled what he did (this was my fault too) as I had seen him.

I do feel there’s a strong chance he may kill himself as a final silent act of anger and to get at me. I see how unbalanced he is.

One of our children is sick, very sick and husband comes to appointments, so I see husband when we go to these appointments, we are separated, I never thought we would separate but I did it, so far.

I am sorry for the long post, I just needed somewhere safe to vent as my head is spinning and my stomach is churning, i have lost a lot of weight since separating yet mentally, some days, I feel so much clearer, better. If he got on with his life we could all heal but he won’t, he has stood still and let us all know how depressed he is and how he only lives for his family. That is BS from him!!

[KIP.]

Hi, abusers abuse. And they always will. Do you have support from women’s aid. There are courses for the children of abusers which she may find useful. It’s important she knows she cannot control his behaviour and that she’s not responsible for his behaviour and it’s okay to put herself and her well-being first. Well done for separating, it’s a dangerous time for women when they abuser will up his game to regain power and control. You’re going to need to build a support network here. School, doctor, solicitors, police, family, women’s aid, and anyone else that can join your team. If he genuinely threatens suicide then he needs professional help and that’s way beyond your realm so I’d ring him an ambulance but it’s a very very common threat from abusers to regain control. Despicable men. Get some good legal advice and make sure you’re the resident parent so he can’t take the kids x women’s aid were a great help to me x

[Hereforhelp]

KIP or anyone… is it OK for me to explain to my children, who are both (detail removed by moderator), that what their dad is doing is abuse, they are both so confused to his behaviour and both are showing signs of feeling responsible for his depression (they are worried about ‘making’ him feel more depressed, my  (detail removed by moderator) is especially worried about him and is very depressed herself and doesn’t want her dad to feel as low as she does. I explained it is not her responsibility, that he is responsible for his own actions and feelings.
What I am asking is how honest can I be, yes, their father is an emotional bully, emotional abusive man, financially abusive, they do not know.
I have an appointment with solicitor coming up soon. I am trying to find my local women’s aid in my area and to get in touch. I have found women’s refuge, is that part of women’s aid?
My confidence is on the floor so every step I take is small but it is in the right direction xx

[Hereforhelp]

Courses for children sounds really helpful, through women’s aid?

[KIP.]

Ring the national domestic abuse helpline to find your local women’s aid. I’d be as honest as they can understand. When dad hurts mum is a good book by Lundy Bancroft and the NSPCC have a good helpline. You might want to talk to social services or their school and ask for support for them. And your GP may have resources or refer them to children’s mental health for support. Setting your own boundaries and leading by example may be useful. If you’re having contact with someone who abuses you that must be confusing. He’s going to play mind games with them no matter what you do but giving them the tools to use is a good idea. And cutting contact down to zero if possible, using a third party. You could explain by saying it’s really not acceptable for their father to use them or involve them in this separation or anything to do with it. You need help so get a support network around you and don’t underestimate him.

[Hereforhelp]

I am working on building a support network,

I started reading Why Does He Do This To me by Lundy Bancroft, reading this book confirms I have been a victim of abuse on many levels.

Also, I have started to talk more honestly to a couple of friends (one of my friends has since told me that they had noticed his controlling behaviour before, noticed the tension at my home (before we separated) and how I had become a type of servant. I am not mad, I didn’t imagine what has been happening, it is not ok that he treated me/children the way he did/does.

I am setting myself small goals each day as that helps as well.

This forum is a lifeline, even when I do not post, reading other women’s posts I can now see a thread re abuse, how we question if it is abuse, I had managed to blame myself for his abuse. No, I am not responsible for his behaviours, I am only responsible for my own behaviour is my mantra which I also teach my children.

[KIP.]

Hey well done. Start with baby steps and he is responsible for his own actions although in his eyes everyone else is at fault. Knowledge Is Power so keep learning and moving forwards x

[Hereforhelp]

I am trying to keep my children away from my husband. Today my eldest has told me that her dad has asked her and my other child to go away for a night… I know nothing about this! My younger child is vulnerable, my youngest will say yes as it will sound fun and exciting. I hate my husband for doing this as I will say no, he cannot take them away. He will argue and say I am bring unreasonable or that I am tuining it for the children (eldest point blank refused as she doesn’t want time with him, she doesn’t feel safe emotionally with him). I am getting a solicitor in place but he is away for 1 more week and then I can go ahead.
Husband talked me out of divorce before, he won’t this time. I just wanted to vent on here

[Hereforhelp]

My younger child will not understand why I say no, to such a fun trip! Husband hasn’t mentioned a thing to me… why would a father do this? This is not right .. or am I being over cautious… I haven’t been a single mum, I am now so it is upto me to protect them both

[Wants To Help]

This is a very common tactic of an abuser. They will promise the children things (probably knowing that they can’t actually go through with it!) and then when it doesn’t happen they will blame mummy for not allowing it / being mean / being spiteful etc, so that this, in turn, turns the children against you.

Two reasonable people who co-parent together will discuss these things and, out of courtesy, will inform each other of plans for the children and seek an agreed consent to do things with the children. This gives peace of mind to each other and builds trust. However, we are not dealing with another reasonable parent when we have abusers as our ex partners. They will use the children to undermine us, punish us, cause us anxiety and lots of other negative things. The proof is, if he really cared about the children he would not do this to them and he would make arrangements with you.

So in answer to your question “why would a father do this?”, it’s to get at you and cause you further misery, upset, disruption and anxiety.

Get a court order for child arrangements put in place, at least that gives you some control back.

[Author]

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