My ex induces terror in me

This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of maddog maddog 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #67788
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am terrified of him. His behaviour although not physical seeks to destroy me, undermine me, use me. He really doesn’t seem to care about the children and I fear he is racking up debt and will expect me to pay. ( court details removed by moderator) because he wants more. It is not for the children. It is to cause me harm.

    I have told my solicitor that if his solicitor’s behaviour is normal in the case of a death in the family, I am shocked to the core.

    Although he hasn’t been charged it makes him no less of a monster. He flies below the radar.

    I understand that so many of you have experienced far worse. I have just never experienced these waves of blind terror and the constant reminder that he has wished me dead.

  • #67789
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Remember maddog that any debts accrued after the divorce are not your responsibility at all. Xx

  • #67790
    Profile photo of White Rose White Rose 
    Participant

    Dear maddog
    Aaaargggh!!!! This sounds so familiar.
    Trust your solicitor, be guided by them. His solicitor works for him and it’s their job to seem to be callous at times.
    Was the financial settlement comes through court? If so you have the option of going back to get judge to ‘make” him carry out his part. If you do that he should be prepared to pay your costs. If it was a settlement “agreed” between you then maybe going through court might be needed.
    Bottom line is he’ll fight you all the way, try to get more out of you, try to give you less, try to make you pay out more. Why? It’s on going emotional and financial abuse and he’ll be getting a kick out of it! Be advised by your solicitor.
    I opted to turn away from the fight in the end. I lost money, quite a significant amount, but kt freed me and allowed my daughter to regain emotional health and blossom out of his shadow. I’d have been forking out on solicitors bills if I’d gone on too.
    Sit down with your solicitor and determine what he can legally expect from you and what you can from him then take time to weigh up pros and cons of walking away or fighting. I suspect he can claim on your relatives estate if the death preceded the decree absolute – but family law solicitor can help on that, and it may depend on wording of will, or it maybe that if you’ve not actually had the proceeds of estate yet then it may not have to be shared with him as you inherited after divorce.
    There’s quite a few legal websites you can ask Qs on – I remember seeing something called wikivorce with lots of Qs and answers about all sorts (I think I even spotted a query from my ex on there as he had a very specific and big headed username for various sites he used!!) or there’s rights of women.
    It’s so drawn out, tiring and upsetting but hang on in there it will get easier x*x

  • #67795
    Profile photo of  Anonymous

    Hi all

    Its just incredible that lawyers and the courts are still draconian to this very day. I went through (court details removed by moderator). He laughed and said no that’s you! He wss out to get me end off. It instilled me with terror to thd point of nightmares.. In the legal aspects of litigation DA is simply ignored in the civil court. It needs to be reformed drastically and at least considered xx

  • #67797
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Maddog, it doesn’t not sound ridiculous to those of us who have locked horns with these men. There is no line they will not cross. No person they will not trample. No lies they will not tell to regain their sense of control. I’ve been where you are. The paranoia was off the scale after decades of dealing with a pathological liar and abuser. However, try to remember you are not that same victim. You’re a survivor. Your fog is clearing and you know his game better than anyone. I lost out financially hugely too. His lies were outrageous but to challenge them(detail removed by moderator) would have cost me more than he stole. So either way I would be paying out more money. Try not to overthink his next move. Just react to him and listen to legally what he is entitled to. (Removed by moderator) They love having the limelight. It may be that you have to offer him something to avoid the expense (detail removed by moderator). It’s a very hard pill to swallow but looking back, it was worth it just to get rid of him and his terror inducing ways.

  • #67816
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    I know that money slips through his fingers with enormous ease. I am just finding out about shifting my savings to the children. (Removed by moderator). He knew that my mother had died as he was told by 2 relatives. He had that information long before we went (detail removed by moderator). I felt no need to mention it again as he already knew and also at that point there was no will.

  • #67839
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    96 mins & counting to get through to ROW. I despair. either engaged or message saying closed.I honestly don’t know if I’m wasting my time. I think there’s nobody there but there’s no way of telling. I know they’re busy.
    I would rather slit my throat.

  • #67842
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    I spent all day trying to get through to citizens adviceand money matters. “We are experiencing a high volume of calls”. Never got through. Left four messages. Nobodyrang back. You have my sympathy. Most solicitors offerhalf hour free sessions. It might be worth trying acouple. It’s exhausting having to deal with theircontinued nonsense x

  • #67843
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    I don’t understand. The website says open 7-9pm. Nothing saying it’s not. Can they really only afford one phone message? Is it really that badly funded? Last time I managed to get through after after about 45 mins. Now 75 mins & counting. Tired of engaged sound, blips of dashed hope & a message saying when to call. like during the hours they state on their website. Er no. Am feeling annoyed. Igive up after 50 mins of non- stop trying. the phone hasnot left my hand so either they are up to their neck or nobody elsecan get through. ring tone, machine, engaged, ring tone, machine, ring tone machine, ring tone machine, engaged engaged ring tone machine……What a wasre of my life. coming up to 120 mins then they leave. 2 hours gone

  • #67848
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    I’ve calmed down. Sorry for that rant. There are some fantastic people batting for me so hopefully we can sort this out. I have spoken to my financial advisor and will clarify things soon. The ball is in motion. I need to know that my thoughts are sensible or completely stupid.

    Thank you KIP. It really is soooo annoying isn’t it. My benefits advisor is paid to listen to DWP music all day long. How his ears must hurt. He spent over 2 hours with me once trying to get through to a specific person. It’s much harder to take the hit of the endless wait when you don’t understand the process.

    My counsellor was talking about safe places and good things that happen. I told her about the blinding terror I felt the first time I practiced an exercise she gave me. It comes from a series of dreadful events, mostly before I was born, then an event from hell when I was very small.

    It puts my own family’s dysfunction into context and draws a distinct line between my experience growing up and my ex’s behaviour.

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