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Hello everyone. I am struggling. It’s been (removed by moderator) years and currently going through the courts. It has been a gruelling process. There has been (removed by moderator) years of coercive control in the relationship with quite a number of months post separation where my Ex was unable to control his temper in front of the children leading to arguments in front of them along with harassing me in any way possible for months. He was finally arrested but I didnt press charges (stupidly). The last (removed by moderator) years he has been using the children to manipulate me, involving them in contact arrangements and all manner of inappropriate conversations, trying to alienate me and bully me. He wants shared care. I have huge concerns over his conduct, my eldest child has been having mild (removed by moderator) due to her anxieties and has just started opening up about her worries due to things she has witnessed during the relationship and after we separated. I was poorly advised (removed by moderator) to write a full statement (details removed by moderator). This has been so traumatising for me. I have had to align it more to a Scot schedule which has been really difficult given the pattern of behaviours over the last (removed by moderator) years. Long story short (removed by moderator), my solicitor is rewriting it for me as I have really been struggling. My ex has suddenly gone on his best behaviour, being reasonable and not harassing at all. His (removed by moderator) says he is a changed man but I have absolutely no faith in that and know that its all for show (removed by moderator). I guess I’m just after some kind of words of comfort that CAFCASS will see the history and not automatically believe he is a changed character. (Detail removed by moderator). It’s just so unfair. I feel he’s using the court process to further bully and harass me.
Will CAFCASS see through all of this?
I’m feeling really down with the thought that he puts on this mask of being the perfect dad and making lies about me. He has really impacted not only me but the children in all of this. I feel the system is just not on my side at the moment. I feel all that it has achieved so far is to cause further trauma to me and invite my ex to further attack me.
Any positivity anyone can offer would be so much appreciated, I’m feeling so beaten and exhausted right now 🙁 -
Do you have support? I wouldn’t rely on CAFCAS but you could help to tip the scales by making sure they are aware of the dynamics of an abuser so I’d involve women’s aid and have a support worker through this. There is plenty literature out there to show how a domestic abuser works in cycles. How it’s extremely unlikely they change their behaviour permanently and also if he was a changed man and wanted what was best for you and the kids he’d be avoiding courts and doing whatever he could to make you as the mother of his children comfortable and happy. Reliving abuse is retraumatising so good mental support and therapy is needed to counter this. Look at mindfulness and getting some counselling in place x
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Previous poster with good points.
You will find an idea called ‘Creating a circle of security’ around your new family may be really helpful.
What that basically means is carrying on the work of building a new household, a new life, a new family structure. Being measured about it. Persevering with it. Staying calm if you can through all this turbulence. Which I am sure you do anyway, but in this situation it is like times two of this is needed.
Sooner or later his mask will slip.
It is such a difficult journey. Pull in all the support you can.
Also perhaps checking in with the three planets theory of domestic abuse…your experience of this may make you feel as if you are on a different planet to social workers, cafcass etc. They view things differently and the family court is really not properly equipped or structured to deal with abuse, many say.
Still be are bound to navigate it as mums.
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