My Father started it all

[Raincloud]

Hi Ladies,

Really looking for some support this morning following an horrific event that happened between my father and I. My Dad has always been very controlling when it comes to money, it has controlled my Mum for years and I witnessed a lot of anger, violence and shouting growing up. I need my Mum and Dad a lot more than my siblings do, as a single parent I often rely on them to help with childcare. They have a very active part in my childrens lives and always have done. My parents are well off and I am not, so my Dad knows I depend on him for certain things to do with the children (swimming lessons, ballet lessons, football lessons).

(Detail removed by Moderator) I went to drop my littluns off to my Mum and Dad as I do every (Detail removed by Moderator) then I go into work. (Detail removed by Moderator) was different, I walked into their house and I felt a really negative vibe almost instantly a feeling I remember very well form my childhood. I went upstairs to see my Mum to see if she was okay as I had a really strong feeling that she wasn’t, my daughter wanted to come with me but I asked her to stay downstairs with her brother. Firstly I didn’t want them to see their Nan upset if she was. Anyway my Dad heared me say to my daughter that she must remain downstairs and he flipped at me started calling me names in front of my children, I simply said ‘I do not deserve to be spoken to like this’and he continued about how I am as a mother, how I am just like my own mother (not sure why thats a bad thing), he called me a c**t, said I like to play the victim and no wonder my ex couldn’t stand me and turned to drugs, how I feel sorry for myself for having a hard life even though I wanted for nothing financially the list could go on and on all in front of my daughter and son. I felt like I was being trapped and shouted at with loads of nasty names, I felt like I was going to pass out at one point.

In the moment I couldn’t quite believe what was happening, my Mum was begging him to stop and saying ‘she is our daughter stop abusing her’. The penny dropped for the first time in (Detail removed by Moderator) decades that my Dad had DA my Mum for years and is still doing so. My last two partners have had traits of my Dad, all of these red flags are now filling my head as I think about past events from years ago. As I mentioned previously my sister doesn’t and has never financially depended on our Dad whereas I have done in recent months/years. I am wondering if my childhood and upbringing could potentially have a reason as to why I seem to go for guys that end up controlling me, verbally abusing me, physically assaulting me and psychologically abusing me.

I lost my temper back as I felt so intimidated, I threw a plastic cup to get him out of my face, it didn’t hit anyone it was a plastic teacup that was on the side next to me. His eyes were scary and this entire look on his face brought back so many nasty memories from my childhood it honestly was horrific. This happened hours ago now and I am still so emotionally upset.

I removed both of my children and left, I have called into work luckily they are understanding and I can WFH. My Auntie took my daughter into her school and I have my son with me today.

Sorry for the huge essay I just needed to get it all out and to be honest I don’t really know what to do now. xx

[Raincloud]

Also just wanted to add that after leaving my children’s Dad due to his abusive behaviour, which took a lot for me to do and many years to build the courage to get out of the relationship, I really depended on my parents a lot I felt as though they understood what was going on. Mainly to protect the children and I, we have stayed at their house a lot and my Dad has put different safety measure’s up at my house to make me feel safe in my own home. I have been frightened to return home on many occasions over the last year. All of this was thrown back in my face this morning, why would any Dad want to hurt their child like this? I don’t really understand, I feel broken (sorry to sound dramatic). How or why would my Dad want to do this to me?

There is no going back from this, which is very sad for my children right now but if I can protect them from any more exposure to such behaviour I will at all costs.

[maddog]

It sounds terrifying Raincloud. Well done for telling your dad where to get off. This is huge. There are no doubt reasons that your mum stays with your dad. My mum did and eventually escaped through Alzheimer’s.

It is very difficult when you are a mum to young children and rely on parents for support when they are abusive. I told my dad that if he was going to go on bullying me that there would be no way he could see his grandchildren. He stopped in his tracks. It was also a turning point for me although it took me years to understand the abuse I was shoving under the carpet in my own marriage.

Our homes are supposed to be safe. When they have been violated by abuse that safe place has to be re-defined. Have you done the Freedom Programme? I have found Women’s Aid an absolute life-saver although it is terrifying to have my entire life examined under the microscope and I can’t deal with it all at the moment.

When we have been abused our boundaries have been trodden down and we are often feeling broken, failed and used. I find it important to remember that these are things we have witnessed rather than things we have initiated. We have to really bear in mind that what we have witnessed is not our fault.

I’m sure someone else will be alone soon to advise on specific help. Please give WA a ring if you haven’t already. Your gp may be able to help too. You will get there!

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Raincloud, your post made me so sad, for you and your mum. Was your mum okay by the way? My father is very good at playing the martyr and holding grudges, yet he’s the least aggressive man i know. He hurts in different ways.
Your dad, it’s awful cos i dont know how protective of him you’ll be when people will start saying what he is. You’ve recognised him for what he is, but it’s hard hearing others opinions of him too. My OH has used my opinions of my parents to distance me from them. It’s good your mum sees what he does as abuse and you are now recognising why you chose the men you did. I think i chose my OH because he is everything my dad and ex weren’t. He imposing, muscular, he made me feel safe and protected. Now i feel no longer safe and need protection from him. It’s always what attracts us to someone that is actually the end of us as well😪
You aren’t being dramatic when you say you feel broken. They have broken us. We no longer are the carefree, forward looking young woman we were. But you broke from your abusive partners, that was amazing. You have to look after yourself and your children, even if it means seeing less of your parents. Can you meet your mum away from your dad, would she leave him? I bet your mum doesn’t want the life she had fir you. My OH helped my daughter get away from an abusive partner,,(Just like your dad did) even offered to hurt him. But he doesnt see himself as one.
It’s maybe a choice of putting up with your dad’s treatment of you and possibly your children in the future, so they can do their activities, or break free and they don’t get to do them. As parents we make sacrifices for our children, some sacrifices are too great, imo.
Talk to your children, you have to be the responsible parent here. It’s up to us to teach the future generations what behaviour is acceptable and what’s not. You’re #notalone , you have all of us on here to virtually hold you your hand and listen to you.
You’ve reached out, hold on to us fir dear life. You’ll get there. Baby steps Raincloud

IWMB 💕💕

[Raincloud]

Thank you so much for both of your replies. I feel a lot better after writing all of my feelings down and sharing with you guys so thank you so much. This place really does pick me up when I feel at my lowest.

I think my Mum does realise but she doesn’t have the courage to walk away and leave him. He controls her with money, she lives a nice life with materialistic things, nice holidays, clothes etc. He blows hot and cold with her, I have witnessed so many red flags over the last couple of months that I have lived with for years without thinking that isn’t okay. I have done the freedom programme but many years ago now, when I was still in my abusive relationship.

I haven’t spoke to my children’s father on a personal note for a very long time. After the episode with my Dad this morning, I weirdly wanted to call him and have him comfort me. I must be insane for even thinking of that, I didn’t and will not be contacting him.

I feel like I need to remove myself and my children as far away from my Dad as I can, my sister isn’t very sympathetic as she has never been treated the same as me. I am convinced this is because when physical fights would go on downstairs I would go downstairs to help my mum, many of times I have stood in front of my mum to protect her (he never hit me in those episodes). Whereas my sister would sit in her bedroom as if nothing was happening.

It took me a while to leave my ex partner, but the main reason for doing so was the scared shocked look on my daughters face when she witnessed way too much it reminded me of myself at her tender age.

Thank you again for your support it means a lot xx

[maddog]

I’ve been used by my mum as a human shield too. Absolutely awful. It may be worth looking at doing Freedom again. I’m just on my 2nd time. This time my ex isn’t in the house so things are very different.

It’s strange with siblings. They have their own ways of dealing with things and there’s nothing we can do about it. It is important not to be drawn back into the web where we all behave as we did as children. It’s unbearably sad sometimes to have such a dysfunctional family and to witness again the pain and control meted out.

I used to long for my mum to leave my dad. I know at times she was bitterly alone in her marriage and it must have been unmitigated hell for her, watching her children suffer as they did, not knowing where to turn or what to say. The shame and the isolation and the criticism she would have received and the lack of understanding, the not being believed….On and on it goes.

I too thought I was trapped forever in a lousy loveless marriage. When I told my ex I wanted a divorce it had to come from him. I can barely describe the relief of finally being believed, and the weight lifted since he has gone.

[Author]

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