My fault yet again

[Whathaveidone]

So I’m sitting in the sofa trying looking like I’m doing work on my laptop (but really to order something from Amazon), he is getting ready to go out to do a little shopping. He’s now ready, put on his coat and shoes and everything. He is walking to and from the kitchen to the dinind area where his laptop his munching away at some fruits while he is at it. He decides to procrastinate further by reading various news articles on the internet on his laptop. After 20 minutes or so he finds an interesting video he wants to show me so he walks up to me with his laptop so that I can watch it. He places the laptop next to me so that I can watch it. I stop what I’m doing, press play and watch it. Its a 3 min video vey interting on a topic that we both like. I make a few comments and we start a casual normal conversation about it . After no more than 5 minutes he’s standing by the door and suddenly switches,
“OK I’ve got work I have to do, can you help me leave by stop talking to me.” Confused I say,
“Yeah but you’re the one that put the laptop next me to watch the video”. He says,
“Can’t you see for the past so and so minutes I’ve been trying to leave. Could you not help me by stop talking to me.”
Angry inside at the injustice I felt I just said “OK bye”.
Still standing by the door and me on sofa he says “Sweatheart look at me.” I don’t. “Look at me” in a more stern tone so immediately I look at him.
“Close the laptop.”He says. So I close the laptop.
“Now move it to the right of you on the sofa.” So I did as I was instructed.
“See, how hard was that.” I don’t say anything. I think he senses my upset and then says,
“I know we engaged in a conversation so it was my fault”. He then walks over to me, gives me quick kiss we say good bye and he leaves.

Am I right to feel upset about this small incident? Surely it’s not my fault that you prevent yourself from leaving by procrastinating for half an hour surfing the net and engaing in a conversation about a video that YOU showed me. I know he said it was his fault but I know he believes it was my fault because he wants to make me feel guilty otherwise why else say to me “Can’t you help me get out of here” whilst I’m relaxing on the flipping sofa and you’re standing right next to the door. What do want me to do – get up and physically push you out the door? He has serious issues and it’s bothering me so much.

[Serenity]

Talk about a control freak.

Plus, like all abusers, he tries to create drama where there is none.

He couldn’t bear you focussing on anything but him in his presence, so he had to leave you feeling unnerved as punishment for daring to do so.

[Whathaveidone]

yh serenity – when he came back, he immediately said “I apologise for being so abrupt earlier”. I just said ok and the conversation swiftly moved on.

[Escaped not free]

Omg exactly the sort of thing my ex did. It gets worse. Not better. U did what I always did. Give him a kiss, a smile and not tell him what an ****hole he is being because it wasn’t worth the effort. Then I’d feel like c**p for the rest of the night. Wondering if I could make it up to him and smooth it over when he got back. When it’s someone else it’s happening to you see it’s crazy and unacceptable. Why do we doubt ourselves when it’s us it happens to? X

[Whathaveidone]

yes escaped not free. It just bothers me so much. Inow know that he’s the one with serious issues yet I can’t bring myself to just end it with him. I stil dont feel its that bad but whe I look back and think about all the small things he says and does which I don’t like I know he’s completely wrong.

[Serenity]

I have only just accepted that my ex has serious personality issues.

For years, I excused them as ‘quirks.’ In fact, they are toxic and dangerous.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi WhatHaveIDone – as you get to see and understand that his behaviour IS abuse and that he DOES have control issues – then you gradually start to see more and more abusive and controlling behaviour in everything he does – if you are like me you have lived with this for years and it’s just gradually escalated, and got worse over the years – BUT you just accept it and carry on living that way – because to you this has just become normal life it’s all you know – and you just ‘accept’ and ‘put up with it all’ as a means of survival.

He is actually behaving like a spoilt child – seeing how far you will go – seeing how much he can push you to get you to do what he wants………”talk to me – don’t talk to me – sit here – no sit there – look at me” – he has major control issues – and I’m quite sure he thinks it funny that he can get you to do whatever he wants.

I used to live like this too – because I couldn’t bare any conflict or confrontation and I hated rows, and so for the sake of peace and quiet I just did what he wanted….

And yes when they know they have done wrong you get the kiss on the cheek and somehow that’s meant to make everything alright again …..but it DOESN’T – not for YOU…..

[Whathaveidone]

Yes mixed-up mum. I too hate confrontations and arguments. I was brought up in a household where my father was always shouting at my mum for every d**n little thing and I HATED it. So it’s driving me crazy now knowing that I’m practically in the same messed up situation where everything I say or do is analysed and critised. I have to think about everyything I’m going to say or not say anything in most cases just to keep the peace.

Another one of my pet peeves is when he thinks he can apologise, give me a kiss on the cheek or a hug or buy me chocolate or even worse want sex moments after. That does not make everything alright and how can he expect me to be intimate after just emotionally crushing me like I was some kind of punchbag for his words?

I hate his stupid mind games too – sometimes he asks me how I put up with his behaviour and of course I tell him “becasue It’s just your personality and I love you.” Huh! I’m now asking myself the same question over and over again but this time I don’t have an answer. Why do I put up with his behaviour and why SHOULD I? The only problem is having enough strength and courage to leave which I don’t think I’m ready to do. But if I’m not ready now when will I ever be? – that’s what I’m most scared of. Watching myself go through this, knowing I can get help but being far too afraid to do so.

Thanks for the support.

[Malaya]

Sending you a big hug. I can so relate to the last bit of your message. I’m sitting here with the women’s aid helpline number in front of it but too scared to call it.
Be strong and don’t doubt your self, he is the one trying to make you feel like everything’s your fault. It isn’t your fault

[Whathaveidone]

Hi Malaya, Thankyou for reading and responding to me. Sending a big hus back because there’s been so many opportunities over the past few days where I’ve thought “he’s gone out, should I call woman’s aid now?” but I am way to scred to do it. What makes it worse is that from the outside, it appeas as though I’m free and independent because I don’t always live with him (just most of the time) so I can go home and many times he’s abroad so we’re not even in the same country but I still feel totally trapped by him because he’s contantly monitoring me – not an hour goes by where I don’t speak to him. I’m with him at the moment so I feel so suffocated.

I like seeing new places as we travel alot but I think I’d like it better if I had friends that I could travel wih and go to places where I decide to go to and experience tru genuine things, not be under his surveillance 24/7.

Thanks for reassurance that it’s not my fault – he’s conditioned me to feel guilty about not taking responsibity for things i.e. taking the blame.

[Malaya]

Never let him convince you it’s your fault. Look at the example you gave in your first post. How can you sitting quietly and responding when spoken to be the reason for him not going out??!
I swing between thinking things are my fault and that actually he’s just drummed that into me. Since posting on here I’ve felt a bit stronger and actually quite angry that he thinks he can treat me like this. I’ve never really felt that before, I think it is where I’ve read yours and other ladies stories and I’m getting angry at your/ their partners. It’s like it’s finally dawned on me, omg this is what I’m living, it’s him making me think I’m losing my mind
This morning he tried to accuse me of doing something and for ages I sat there thinking did I do it? Then I realised he’s doing that gas lighting thing, trying to mess with my head
Does yours do that to you?

[Whathaveidone]

Hi Malaya, sorry it’s taken so long for me to reply back. I’ve been travelling to and fro my mums house, reading and writing other posts – I wasn’t notified of the replies to this thread.

My partner always gaslights from the moment or relationship started. For example, I would say something to him. He would have a very strong emotional reaction to it and start getting aggry, aggressive non stop taking and criticising, far above what I would have anticipated. I would backtrack to try figure out what I had said and how to make it better. Then would accuse me of inconsistency and that my point doesn’t make sensewhen I backtracked. I would try to explain that I was trying to communicate best with him, because clearly I was failing. HThen he would tell me that I’m lying and that I’m not trustworthy or I’m not reliable.

We would never return to the original issue and I usually ended up crying hysterically when I’m on my own.

Sometimes he will tell me things that I supposedly said which I’m sure I didnt say but he will argue so strongy that I did say it that I start to question myself. However, when things are the other way round and I can remeber something he says, he tells me that I’m wrong because if he can’t rememebr then it cannot be true but I know it’s tru because I have a very good memory.

Every conversation with him is like I’m talking in a court case or something – I have to justify everything I say, I must produce evidence and when I say something like ” well last time you did this…” he tells me its not fair what I’m doing because that was in a different context so you can’t apply what happened in the past that he doesn’t remeber to the current situation…” but of course it’s ok when he does it?! I hate the double standards!!!!

[mixed-up mum]

Hi What have done – sorry never got back to you yesterday, by the time we did the food shop, got home made tea, had tea and sat down, I was falling asleep in the chair!!!

So how are you today?

Yes my parents separated when I was quite young, and well I remember the rows and fighting as I lay in bed – dad had an affair and mam found out…..
Maybe that’s why I avoid rows and confrontation at all costs, I was always the one to give in, never said how I felt, or what I wanted, just did what I had to do to keep the peace. To this day I find it hard to say no when people ask me to do something I don’t want to do, after so many years of knowing I had to do what he wanted – now I still feel I have no voice – its like I have forgotten how to have an opinion…….

Yes the kiss on the cheek moment……that is meant to ‘solve everything’ and make all wrongs right…..he’d sexually abuse me all night ’til I gave him what he wanted, he’d go in the shower, come back to bed, kiss me on the cheek and say “thank you darling that was nice” then roll over and go to sleep like it was all OK, but it wasn’t……. I lay there feeling dirty and used, I felt like a prostitute – he may as well left money on the side!!! For there was no ‘love’ involved in his ‘love making’……

By the time I left my ex not an ounce of love survived in that marriage – I stayed WAY too long – and in the end couldn’t stand to be near him, touch him or even look at him, he destroyed our marriage with his behaviour – though he will never accept any responsibility for it…..

If you look at Bunsandcakes post I’ve been chatting to her too, and she also wants leave , but hasn’t got the courage either.

If it’s any help, I didn’t feel able to talk to Women’s Aid to begin with, and so I e-mailed my support worker for 3 years before I finally had the courage to leave my ex – try emailing them – if and when it’s safe to do so – just make sure he has no access to your emails!!! 🙂

Keep on chatting!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

x*x

[Whathaveidone]

Hi mixed-up mum, I’m so sorry it’s taken so long for me to reply back. I’ve been travelling to and from my mums house, reading and writing other posts, trying not to let him see or know what I’m doing on top of other work I have to do – I wasn’t notified of the replies to this thread either so I’ve only just now read your response. Thanks for replying and sharing your experience with me.

I find it extremely difficult to say no to people too. I’m always trying to please everyone which is one of my biggest my weaknesses because I can’t please everyone and there is especially no pleasing him in anything that I do – he is always moving the goalposts.

When you write: “he’d sexually abuse me all night ’til I gave him what he wanted, he’d go in the shower, come back to bed, kiss me on the cheek and say “thank you darling that was nice” then roll over and go to sleep like it was all OK…” I can tell you I’ve experienced the EXACT SAME THING too many times. Ijust think to myself, why are you thanking me? telling me that you love me? that it was “so nice”? It just makes me sick thinking about it but I’d rather do that then go through days of futile, relentless, emotionally draining criticising about lack of sex, libido, men and women ….blah blah blah.

You’d be glad to know that I tried to call the helpline last week but unfortunately, the lines were busy and I was too scared to leave a message. I wrote a post about it under ‘Having a bad day’ (I think). I will try and call agin if I’m feeling brave and when I think it’s safe to do so. Thanks for suggesting email, I think I might try that too at some point.

I’ll try and find Bunsandcakes posts and have a read aswell. I’m reading ‘Why does he do that?’ which is helping me along at the moment (secretly of course) and I’ve just finished reading ‘Living with the dominator’ and these books have helped me too. Although I am still really frightened at the thought of leaving him.

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