My head is about to burst ….

[Tractor]

Hi , I have been on here before and even posted a few weeks ago to ask if it was emotional abuse and here I am again after giving in. Id be so grateful for some reassuring words right now as I feel like im literally rock bottom. I have previously been in a very physically violent marriage which I eventually ended. That was easy to spot because its obvious I was being abused when you see your own blood but this is very strange what has happened to me this time. I thought I could spot the red flags and thought I was strong enough to do something about it if it ever happened again but here I am feeling so stupid and worthless and angry at myself …..

I fell for the charm for the id never be like your ex rubbish and didn’t see what was creeping up on me. The digs, the comments about me being lazy, potty, go take your pills, psycho , never done a night feed, barley changed a nappy but made out he would be the perfect dad. To be fair now our baby is older he is the perfect dad now that all the hard work is done …

Anyway, suppose what im trying to ask is am I over reacting over this, will explain below: he moved out some time ago I said to him that actions speak louder than words and he’s done everything he said he would do and. I went to a couples counselling session with him and he agreed all the bits were him, even agreed he was an emotional abuser and said hed been googling it and said he wasn’t like those men and he would prove this to me. So he went off with the list of what I felt were the issues and he did the things he said he would do and slowly ive fallen back into his charm. We are not living together currently but he has been spending some nights with us. One of my points was that he didn’t get up with the children , on a day recently hed agreed to get up , morning came and he didn’t so I did, he says that I should have told him to get up and I was playing games by not telling him? I have been having major issues with one of my children who is undergoing assessment for adhd , he can be an absolute nightmare to deal with which I accept , however my partner started with the sly comments that ive let him run riot from a baby and now I have no control, maybe if I didn’t have a wine in my hand every night and spent some time with him hed behave, stop feeling sorry for myself and pull myself together, hes previously said things to me like go and pop your pills , youre potty, crazy. I suffer with anxiety and depression and ive said to him in conversation I can see why people commit suicide , worst thing I have ever done as hes constantly now saying ”listen , when you ring me up talking about suicide what do you expect ”, but I didn’t say it how hes portraying it ! He said ”you do know if you don’t sort X*X out I will be taking XXXX (our son) , now hes back tracking saying he didn’t mean it like that he meant he didn’t want x*x picking up bad behaviour but hed never take away x*x from his mum? he took something to my bad and made a comment about how many wine bottles there were . Im by far not an alcoholic I have drank a bit more recently but if he wanted to support me he would sit down with me and say hes worried not throw it in my face and belittle me?

Im so all over the place I want to believe hes not an abuser and hes changed his ways and im not in an abusive relationship like my ex husband because he hasn’t punched me in the face but hes trapped my leg in the door and bruised my lip and got in my face ?

I think he was financially abusing me as I was paying everything and had to keep asking for money and he said I was bleeding him dry ? and where’s the last twenty quid gone ive given you , you must be buying something. That’s the only thing im enjoying is having money to myself treating myself to bits here and there and not worrying about money im better off financially on my own. I work full time but topped up with tax credits .

Im so sorry for ranting and jumping from one thing to another ! feel so good to get it all out . I feel at my lowest I feel like im letting my family down again as they pick up the pieces every time and me like a mug goes running back to him , history repeating itself like with my ex husband. In a way I feel like this is worse because im doubting myself , is it me ?am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?, is there anybody decent out there ?, can I be on my own?, im scared of that but im already on my own and managing very well. My depression and anxiety hasn’t been this bad in ages and I know what the answers are. No contact , routine for son so no contact , go back to counselling , keep coming on here, move house but I just cant all I can think about is his familiar smell, watching him play with our son , speaking to him on the phone .

Thank you for reading this ! x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Tracyor, it isn’t you, it’s him. I’m sorry to say that abusers always promise the earth and moon too. But they rarely deliver. They simply act nice and charm their way back in before using a different approach to control, manipulate and coerce us into submission. They are very clever with their words and charming one minute then abusing us the next with their digs and twisting our words to hurt us and weaken us. I refused to accept it was abuse, couldn’t believe he would purposely hurt me, he was just thoughtless, it was the drink talking, he’s under stress etc. But it’s not true. The awful truth is they do it on purpose. They are incredibly selfish and controlling and cruel and heartless. The nice and charming bit is just an act, an illusion to keep us trapped in the relationship. He has got everything he wants without any of the responsibilities
I know it’s scary, but you are already managing admirably by yourself. Well done! He is your only problem stressing you out, poisoning your mind with self doubt and sucking the life out of you. There are good men out there, now that you are aware of the non violent abusers tactics you will find a good man. Stay strong and good luck 😊

[Tractor]

Hello freedom fighter

Thank you so much for your reply and kind words.

If you don’t mind me asking did you use the no contact rule ? I am building up to tell him and hhave been Google no contact it is scary it’s like I know what I need to do but find it very daunting x

[wheredoibegin]

I think the no contact thing is very hard at first but ultimately it for the best. And hopefully if you can do that all your self doubt will disappear! You are living on your own with your child and you can do this without him! I know at first I just have the happy memories in my mind but I’m making sure whenever they appear I replace it with the reality of living with him. Its not right that he’s hurt your lip and yes he may not be abusing you like your ex he’s just doing it a different way. Keep strong, start a diary, list anything that happens, even if minor as its surprising how it makes you feel when you read it back. I wish you lots of luck! X

[Mellowyellow]

Hey Tractor, hope you’re ok? I could have written this, husband wants another baby and first one he did nothing! Calls me mental, stupid, bad mum, have no control over our daughter i’m too soft etc.

Nothing wrong with a glass of wine or two! Especially if you have an abusive husband. I need to leave and almost have a few times but cannot seem to break away even though i hate him. J will have to move my whole life a county away to my parents, leave my job and our house.

Anyway sorry this is your post, stay strong youre doing great. You deserve better, not making a mountain out of a molehill. He is manipulating you and you don’t deserve it. Know what you mean about playing with your son, it is what keeps me at home. The guilt of splitting up a family. So hard. Keep us posted x

[Tractor]

Hi where Do i begin! thank you for your reply. Im not doing very well with no contact been on every day and in my mind its over, ive told him but he doesnt beleive me and trying to tell me hes changed sending screen shot of research hes done into abuse saying he knows where hes gone wrong? But i know its al rubbish and I know what I need to do … but just trying to build it up to doing it which is scary but im starting face to face counselling which is what im going to focus on. x*x

Hey mellowyellow! of course I dont mind thats what we are here for to support each other. Have you anybody to talk to about it? family / friends ? Have you tried the helpline? You will find the right moment to do it. People used to talk to me about a light bulb moment and ive just replied on another post about my light bulb moment with my first husband. This time is very different I think what made me realise this time is how depressed I had become how anxious and I didnt recognise myself felt crazy I cant even explain how I felt. Somebody on here suggested I write a chronology/ a story of everything hes done/ said and I felt that really help me decide to end it and live apart. The books suggested by people on here was amzing too the lundy bancroft one and pat craven. I think the helpline can talk to you about a putting a plan in place for when you do decide to leave. If you think about all the practical things when the moment comes you will have a plan to use . Massive good luck and please do keep me updated too xx

[Freedomfighter]

`hi Tractor,
Sorry I didn’t get back to you. I haven’t left yet so haven’t tried no contact, but I know it’s what everyone recommends and is what I intend to do. I’ve tried leaving before, but had to tell him face to face last time. He coerced me into staying with a load of promises he never kept. I told him a couple of months ago I’m not happy and sick of his lies and controlling. He denies it all, says it’s all in my head and I’m paranoid. So I haven’t told him I’m still planning to leave. I’m just going (detail removed by moderator).
I don’t intend telling him where I’ve gone or having contact because I know from experience he’ll find a way to get me to come back. I can’t let that happen. Stay strong. Every time you start wondering, worrying or thinking about him, remind yourself why you left. That’s what I’m going to do. Best wishes. I’m counting down the days!

[Mellowyellow]

Hey Tractor, yes have confided in some friends and fortunately family very supportive. I used to phone the helpline, i was referred to a service nearby and i had a contact i could text she was great then we moved house and i thought everything would change but of course it hasn’t. So sorry i didn’t take in that you previously had been a victim of domestic violence. It’s absolutely awful that you’re in the situation again. This is just as bad, it wears you down mentally. I have the anxious and depressed feelings too and i never was like this before.
Thank you and good luck to you too Tractor, let us know if you go no contact, hope you can and you free yourself. Will phone helpline today i want some legal advice as i dont want to speak to him again, he makes me feel on edge and twists everything. Ive been recording our conversations to get insight from friends and they think he is frightening and a bully. I dont think j can use these in a legal case though.
Thanks again, you have helped me to feel strong and that j can leave. Good luck x

[Author]

Posts