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    • #91949
      PercyPooper
      Participant

      Hi everyone I think I have just woken up to years of abuse. I don’t know where to start. I feel so alone an unloved but is it all in my head and have I over thought all of it? My partner of over a decade shows my no affection at all unless he wants sex. He has called me some disgusting names over the years, job never good enough, I’m never thin enough, don’t do what other partners do. He moves the goal posts all the time. I had a termination and regret it so much but it doesn’t bother him and he said I’m not a good enough mother anyway. Financially everything I earn goes on the house and food, I can’t save and I’m in debt and he has much bigger salary than me however I pay for more. He took my boy away in summer but I couldn’t afford it so didn’t go. I am so isolated, he has never laid a finger on me and yet I feel completely battered.

    • #91953
      Hetty
      Participant

      No wonder you feel battered. You’re being emotionally battered by this man. He’s keeping you trapped financially. Nothing you do will be good enough. It’s a mere reflection of his inner demons. The truth is he won’t feel good enough so in order to feel ok he has to batter you emotionally.
      You don’t have to live this way.
      Have you thought about speaking to your local WA? There’s always a way out to a happier life.
      If you think you’re over thinking it all keep a secret journal. You’ll see patterns emerge x

      • #91993
        PercyPooper
        Participant

        Thank you Hetty, yes I have kept journals for years and after reading everyone’s stories on here and re read over my journals and my blood ran cold. I felt so stupid that I didn’t see any of it or realise what was happening to me. I went completely off the rails after the termination even tried to take my life twice because I couldn’t live with the pain in my head, I didn’t want to die but I couldn’t stay awake either. I feel guilty about it all today keep thinking surely we can get things back to how they used to be when we did things together as a family, I’m just isolated from the family unit now, my OH and son do everything together and he plans things behind my back. I want it all to stop but I feel like I’m hanging on to what we did have.

    • #92002
      Hetty
      Participant

      I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling just now. Have you had any counselling to support you? You don’t have to cope alone.
      You’re not stupid. Living in this way is exhausting and confusing. It can be so hard to see the wood for the trees. We also minimise as a way to protect ourselves. We live in hope that things will get better. The abusers are master manipulators. They give just enough to keep us hooked. It never gets better.
      This man is isolating you from your own child. That’s not ok. Don’t let him keep you at a distance from your son. Is there anything you could do to have quality time with him?
      You say you want to do things as a family but was this actually a happy time?

    • #92074
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hey PP, sorry to read how hard this has all felt emotionally, clearly he hasnt helped with this has he.

      Is this child his? Sounds a bit odd if not.

      How mean leaving you out of the holiday, surely pick one holiday where you can all go at a lower cost if it comes down to funds.

      Yes you are worn out taking care of the house, bills and working; he’s filling your time and controlling you through the finances. You’re basically over worked – and no holiday to boot just to push you a bit more – I do hope you had the best relaxing time while they were away. Sunds to me like you are expected to be super woman and take care of all the womans work and alot more as well, that he’s more than happy to keep loading you up x

      • #92094
        PercyPooper
        Participant

        Hi Fizzylem, thanks for your supportive words. Yes he is the father of my child and he is a brilliant father I would never take that away from him nor would I ever ever bad mouth him to our son I am trying to protect him from shattering his image of his perfect daddy. When he does work he works abroad so I do get respite from him but as soon as I know he is coming home (thats if he tells me) I feel so tense. He does have a habit of just arriving and not saying he was coming home, I do not know what he thinks I get up to when hes away to catch me out!!!

    • #92084
      queenmaeve
      Participant

      They say that you are too fat yet if you are skinny, they say you are not curvy enough. These men are Misogynists! They just dislike women full stop. Perhaps there are anger issues towards their Mothers or Sisters for some reason, but you will never live up to their stupid standards and its best to get rid of them x

      • #92095
        PercyPooper
        Participant

        Hi Queenmaeve thanks for your message, my body has never been right since I had our child, I think we can all relate to body issues after a baby, and I have put on so much weight which has kind of evened out now as medication for thyroid malfunction has helped but being called “fatty” does not help one bit. xx

    • #92096
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      These men will use any excuse/reason to abuse us. They will tell you they had a bad childhood, were bullied at school,never fit it in, they may be the life and soul of the party, there is no stereotypical abuser just as there is no stereotypical ‘victim’. They are emotional vampires, they will suck you dry of any emotions, of your values, your boundaries. Doesn’t matter if they hate women because of circumstances, not all people who were abused in their formative years go on to be abusers. These men choose to be, some might know their behaviour is wrong,will try and get away with i cant help myself, I know what I’m doing but it’s out before I can stop it. We can’t help these men, no amount of us loving them will ever be enough, because they will want MORE everytime. Look up the cycle of abuse, the FOG of abuse, trauma bonding. Still keep up with your journals, the brain shuts down trauma that’s why when asked or when we try to remember instances and I’m talking immediately afterwards, we can’t. The memories of what was said and done only surface when the brain knows the body is strong enough to accept it. Fir your sons sake,for the adult he is going to become,get away from this man. My children are adults now, brought up by him, left to live with their dad. Their lives have been full of chaos, drama after drama, they have no self esteem,full of false bravado, make bad relationship choices, continue in the cycle of abuse.
      Keep posting, keep learning about what you were living with. It’s not just a battle of wills, it is a battle to be top dog, to be right every time. If a man can be emotionally abusive,violence will follow, if he’s not hurt you badly yet you can be sure there’s been instances of ‘play fighting’, poking, slapping, pulling hair, spitting at you,putting their feet out so you have to walk around them then accuse you of kicking them if you still can’t avoid their feet. The subtle manipulation, abuse ,its so subtle we really don’t register it, but the body knows, it reacts subconsciously.
      Take care, you are not going crazy, but he is using crazy making behaviour which has been a criminal offense since 2015.
      IWMB 💞

      • #92104
        PercyPooper
        Participant

        Thank you IWMB, I keep reading peoples stories and realise how many incidents I had forgotten about. The mind is a powerful thing isn’t it….? The name calling is what I will never forget, how can you speak to someone that you love with such spite and hate and yet want to have sex with them? If I have so disgusting to him why would he want to be close to me like that. Twisted.

        My OH only really cares about what other people see, the big house, expensive cars, toys in the garage and a perfect lifestyle. People often remark as to how lucky I am and how lovely my house is, if only they really knew the truth.

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