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Hi all
Needing advice my ex and I spilt few months back due to domestic abuse, I have left him and he not messaged till he received a letter from csa as I have not heard from him as he changed his number. My ex is trying to make me lose my job and is successful succeding, As work is believing him I’m suspended from work and I have blocked him on all social media and He now messaging me from his son phone and I have not replied. He put (detail removed by Moderator). My head hurts I’m not sleeping and I’m trying to be strong for my son might have to go to docs to get help but don’t want to come across as a weak person. I can’t cope with this stress no more I just keep crying and want it all to stop, only way for it all to stop is to go back to him. Don’t want to lose my son and just want to get on with my life.
Has anyone had an ex go after there job if you left them or anyone who could advise what I could do xx
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Yes, my ex told me that he would ensure I lost my job too and he emailed my employer telling them lots of ‘bad things’ about me. An internal investigation was launched and, needless to say, I didn’t lose my job. My ex knew I had a job that would enable me to financially sustain myself and child and live in a decent area, however, if I lost it I would not be able to pay the mortgage and would have to downsize and move and find another job. He did actually tell me he would financially destroy me, so this was just a way of him trying to do so.
As you are now separated, this could come under harassment and stalking law if the things he is telling your employer are false and malicious. The constant contact from his son’s phone to you is harassment, so do not reply. He has no information that is important to you, or nothing that is worth you hearing anyway, it’s likely to be something else to bring you down and upset you, the importance of you knowing is probably for his benefit!
You have an option of reporting him to the Police for harassment / stalking, so consider this.
Are you on full pay whilst suspended? You employers cannot dismiss you unless there is evidence to prove what he is alleging and that the circumstances are directly related to your professional work/conduct. Your employers may have a duty of care to investigate his allegations, but if they are unproven or proved malicious then hopefully your job is secure.
It is likely that all this is stemmed from your legitimate claim for child maintenance. His response is “if I’m going to be financially worse off each month then she will be too.” Typical abuser behaviour unfortunately.
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Hi all,
Thanks all for all your help, going to phone docs tomorrow for help.
I’m not going to go back at all I’ve come to far and I just don’t want to lose my son if I lose my job and I just want to move on (detail removed by Moderator) hopefully he only get supervised access and I’ll get full custody. Why did he have to go for my job and why does he still try and control me when we done and he has a new woman. I’m not bothered he with her he was cheating on me from day one.
Why did I not see all the red flags?
Why when we was at home together he never wanted our son as soon as I leave or went to csa he now reckon he the world best dad?
I just want him to back off he never wanted me as he was off Out with other people I was just his slave go to shop for f**s, run me a bath, do me a cuppa, sandwich. On Valentine’s Day I brought him his favourite (detail removed by Moderator) for a £1 he got me nothing but it didn’t bother me to much. But that weekend he wanted to go out with his son to play (detail removed by Moderator) he can afford £10 to do that but couldn’t afford to buy me something for £1 he then came home and said I was ungrateful and said that I don’t need anything and that I not allowed to go out but he his. He says who I can and can’t talk to.I just hope this is sorted soon I can’t take much more. I never know how he treated me was domestic abuse. Is it? Or is it me being thick as that what he said I was?
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Daylight
My abusers ex girlfriend reached out a while ago and he too did this to her. He contacted her employer making serious allegations and she too was under investigation. He smashed her new car and refused to pay the phone bill for the contract phone she had taken out in her name for him. He used and exploited her for real bad financial gain and when she woke up to what was happening she left because he wouldn’t leave. What a ‘man’xx
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Hi again,
In addition to some of your other comments, seeking help to deal with this, going to your GP, does not make you a ‘weak’ person at all. Often we cannot cope with this level of abuse without help. I suffered with depression, stress and anxiety throughout my abuse and post separation and was on anti-depressants for quite a while. It’s not something I’m ashamed of at all and I was certainly not weak during the process either – and neither are you. In the face of adversity we show amazing resilience at times.
An abusers tactic (once they realise you mean business in leaving) is to make it harder to stay away than it is to go back. So you are already starting to believe that it will just be easier to go back to him. If you look at the Denial to Recovery Pyramid, one of the reasons for returning from Flight, is because it’s easier to go back than move forward. You are starting to think that all of this stress will just stop if you give in and go back to him, but it won’t. The abuse will continue but in different ways.
Sadly, a chain of events has started and you are already suspended from work. Returning to your abuser will not suddenly allow you to return to work, so you will be in the added stressful situation of being with a man you don’t want to be with who is responsible for your current employment predicament and no doubt, berating you for a number of other things too and upping the abuse level. There will be no benefits to you to return to him at all.
If you are feeling totally distraught and in crisis at this time (which I certainly would understand under the circumstances) then please speak to your GP. Medication may not be the answer, but at least you have an outlet for your feelings and concerns and will get some experienced support and help.
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Hi all,
Thanks all for all your help, going to phone docs tomorrow for help.
I’m not going to go back at all I’ve come to far and I just don’t want to lose my son if I lose my job and I just want to move on (detail removed by Moderator) hopefully he only get supervised access and I’ll get full custody. Why did he have to go for my job and why does he still try and control me when we done and he has a new woman. I’m not bothered he with her he was cheating on me from day one.
Why did I not see all the red flags?
Why when we was at home together he never wanted our son as soon as I leave or went to csa he now reckon he the world best dad?
I just want him to back off he never wanted me as he was off Out with other people I was just his slave go to shop for f**s, run me a bath, do me a cuppa, sandwich. On Valentine’s Day I brought him his favourite (detail removed by Moderator) for a £1 he got me nothing but it didn’t bother me to much. But that weekend he wanted to go out with his son to play (detail removed by Moderator) he can afford £10 to do that but couldn’t afford to buy me something for £1 he then came home and said I was ungrateful and said that I don’t need anything and that I not allowed to go out but he his. He says who I can and can’t talk to.I just hope this is sorted soon I can’t take much more. I never know how he treated me was domestic abuse. Is it? Or is it me being thick as that what he said I was?
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Don’t blame yourself for not seeing the red flags. We usually don’t see them straight away until it’s too late. It’s like these certain ‘men’ have special training on how to completely ruin women’s lives and feel no remorse for it.
He is definitely an abuser and he is carrying on this abuse now. We put up with them for so long that we forget about our own needs and wants and normalise their horrible behavior towards us.
My abuser hasn’t brought me a thing in years, not even mothers day! So I stopped buying him gifts too for occasions. That must of hurt his ego. And my abuser has never helped with the children, ever. No bathing, no feeding, no changing, no playing, no reading, no days out with us etc. But most all he’s never spent any time with them.
I’ve actually heard him once agreeing with one of his friends on the phone that the night feeds are the worse with babies and it does make you tired!! I just couldn’t believe it. This was another one of my wake up moments.
He once wanted a couple of days off work so he could go on some kind of bender so he told the big boss that my daughter was in hospital. What kind of father would say that. It’s just proof that these kind of ‘men’know no limits.. X
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Hi turtle dove,
That’s bad he shouldn’t of done that to get time out it shows they really don’t care bout nothing. I can remember when I was pregnant I had to pick him and his son up at (detail removed by Moderator) from drinking session.
He also made out I over loved my son coz he never went to my ex it was always me and if I was not near him he would scream as he wanted me. Also he would tell me that near before I left he said he would take our son off me and told my brother in law that he going to get me to lose my job and sent to prison and it’s like I’ve been set up coz it’s happening.
Work are believing him and all need now is (detail removed by Moderator) to believe him I’ve lost everything. He taken everything but he not takin my son ( I was told could never have children and fell fell pregnant with my ex when I told him I was pregnant he Said it is what it is.
Would you say he didn’t want our son?
He said I’ll be losing our son by (detail removed by Moderator). What I have on him and trying to safeguard him like my ex shooting me with (detail removed by Moderator) gun and hitting me round head for asking him if he loved me or wanted to be with me.He wanted to go to mediation I said no coz it’s not safe.
I hope I’m not going mad and this is domestic abuse or am I going crazy?
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When alls said and done I don’t think they care at all. Looking after children is a very hard job too, it’s 24/7 and that’s what you sign up for when you have kids, my ex wanted both of the children even though he won’t through a period of saying my youngest wasn’t his but they look so much alike. He would never physically harm them but he can’t see that by never spending time with them etc that he’s neglecting them. As far as I’m concerned he’s not fit to parent anyway and the kids don’t miss what theyve never had. A mother’s love is sometimes all children need.
It’s rubbish that they pull these party tricks out of the bag but when they feel like they’re loosing control they see red and will do anything within their power to hurt you. Such great blokes. Lol
If sounds like he’s using your son to carry on his abuse, that’s low when they do that. E sees that your son is that special person and that’s why he makes threats with him.
Sounds like he has alot of growing up to do before he even talks about taking children away from their mother’s into his care. I wouldn’t waste my time explaining why you’re doing what your doing. But just know you’re doing the right thing by your son, you definitely don’t want him growing up to be like his dad. Xx
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Daylight…(detail removed by Moderator)
I’m still with my oh and on a weekly basis he threatens to lose me my job. Fortunately I’ve got good colleagues and have disclosed this to them however it doesn’t stop me from feeling on edge every time he says it.I hope your employers see through this and you can get back to work. I’m assuming they have discussed with you the allegations made.
Why can’t he text you the information if it’s that important? He’s just on a power trip.
I too agree to go to your GP for help, she might be able to pint you in the right direction for other support too.
Take care my lovely 💕 -
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