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    • #135806
      Pinkpearl
      Participant

      I haven been with my partner for (removed by moderator) years. We have 4 young children. Most of the time our family life is great, I’m sure it seems idealic. But I am aware it’s not that straightforward. My partner is very controlling. He has recently told me to only give the children one (removed by moderator) in the morning. I didn’t listen to him, if I am the one up at (removed by moderator) making breakfast I feel I can do it my way. He told me off infront of them and asked why it was so difficult to just give them one? He has called me a disgusting waste of space and (removed by moderator). I spoke to my mum who has reassured me there is nothing wrong with the house. Up until a few weeks ago, I cooked all the food in the house. He told me my cooking is terrible and he will no longer eat it. Just (removed by moderator) as a family. I have always tried to make others happy but this doesn’t feel right.

      He says he hates me but he won’t leave because of the children. He loves them. He has started going out all night. He says he is going to the gym but doesn’t come home until late. I have asked him to talk but he says there is nothing to say. I don’t know what to do next. I want to do what is right for my children. Will he start to treat them badly too?

    • #135809
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi pinkpearl,

      Welcome to the forum.

      Your partner is showing signs of abuse here; emotional, psychological and controlling behaviour, along with selfish and indulgent behaviour. His going out and coming back late along with his critical comments do lead me to suspect he is having an affair (but I could be wrong!) The coercive controller is often very charming to the outside world and many unhappy ladies ‘appear to have the perfect life.’ The truth is, no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors except the people who live there.

      His comments are purposely said to lower your self confidence and self worth. He wants to put you down so that you doubt yourself and start to believe you are not a good partner or a good mother, that way, should you start to tell him you want to separate he can use the line of “well I’ll get custody of the kids because you’re not a good mother”. Don’t let him gaslight you or manipulate the truth. Know your truth and your worth, believe in yourself.

      You have not mentioned physical abuse, but that does not mean he’s not abusive. If you are not scared of him physically assaulting you then try and stand your ground and give your children the (removed by moderator) you want to give them, but please be mindful that abusers can suddenly become violent in order to gain instant control through fear.

      Also understand that what he is doing to you is also abuse of the children. Children are not witnesses to abuse, or by-products of it, they are victims too. Just think how you would feel if someone in your home started treating someone else you loved in this way? You would feel uncomfortable, awkward, put in a difficult position, probably wouldn’t know what to say? The same goes if he ever did assault you in the presence of the children. Just because he hasn’t assaulted them does not mean it hasn’t affected them. If someone came in to your house and assaulted your partner in your presence but never laid a finger on you it would traumatise you. You would feel guilty if you couldn’t protect him etc. Children often feel guilt that they can’t protect a parent, sometimes they even get hurt trying to protect a parent.

      Start researching domestic abuse when you have some time to yourself and learn about coercive and controlling behaviour and gaslighting. Try and assert your boundaries if you feel safe to do so, but if you don’t feel safe to do so that’s fine, you are protecting yourself. If he checks your phone or computer then delete your search history afterwards. Stay on this forum and ask for advice and help, there are lots of ladies on here who can advise and support you.

      Do not minimise what is happening in your home, do not dismiss it, do not think you are over reacting or over sensitive. In your post there are clear signs of abuse, you are in the right place on here.

      xx

    • #135810
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Pinkpearl

      I am sorry, that sounds horrible for you. I agree, if you are up doing breakfast (removed by moderator), you do you, absolutely. I can’t think of any reason why children can’t have a choice at breakfast, its probably the only time its feasible to offer a choice, cereals/toast/porridge/eggs, other meals take too much prep to offer a choice, but I would think most families have a selection of (removed by moderator) available at least.

      Also sad to say, that it is the children he is abusing, he is controlling them, and you in this. If you were to say to them, dad has ordered (removed by moderator), as thats what he is saying, then its clear who is on the receiving end of that, its the children who are not allowed a choice, and without good reason.

      To be told you are hated, leaves you really with nowhere to go, how can you continue with that, theres nothing left is there, I’m so sorry that must be devastating, and in your shoes I’d be looking to friends and family to help support emotionally and process that information so that you can start to think about your next move.

      Do keep talking to work things through x

    • #135821
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hi Pinkpearl,
      I’m sorry that sound tough and it reminds me of when I was discarded by my ex abusive partner. He suddenly decided I was now a miserable person and he didn’t want to be with me. My heart broke, I moved, moved job, everything, then a week after I had left he turned around and decided he wanted to spend his life with me and loved me.
      Crazy. Making.
      There is no point trying to make sense of what he says or does, start researching abusive, Knowledge is power and it will save you. Why does he do that by Lundy Buncroft (you can read for free online) is good & The freedom programme book online. You will probably start to see other tactics he uses that you didn’t realise before was abusive.
      Keep reading posts and posting, its so helpful as we all gain so much strength and knowledge together. There are amazing Women on here have been through it all and are on the other side who can really offer amazing insights.
      xx

    • #135915
      Risingup
      Participant

      Hi Pink Pearl, I just want to offer my support. I feel like I am more or less in the same situation as you. Living with a very controlling partner, who controls mine and children daily routines. Treats me like a child, tells me off in front of kids etc.

      I’ve decided I want out but still trying to get my ‘ducks in a row’ and decide the best way to leave. I am scared because I am on the receiving end of his rage so need to keep that in mind when proceeding.

    • #135918
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      So sorry for what you’re going through but welcome to the forum. As others have said these are definitely red flags and abusive behaviour. It doesn’t mean he’ll get worse or physical but they do change their behaviour when it’s not working. My top tip right now is to start learning about this stuff, ppl recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book why does he do that, and Pat Craven’s living with the dominator all the time on here. I’ve found Dr Ramani on YouTube good too and others will suggest more. When you start reading & learning you start seeing the behaviour for what it is, it’s affect on you and the kids and will probably identify more that you’ve not even considered yet. This is the start of your journey, good luck lovely, you’re a great mum and don’t deserve this xx

    • #135922
      iliketea
      Participant

      Hi and welcome to the forum, you have found a really great place full of amazing advice and wonderful supportive women, you are heard here, helped and supported.
      Wow, you know what, when I read your post my stomach flipped, I wrote a very similar post a few years ago now, at the same time of year. Im out now but very similar things were starting to happen in my relationship. As others have said, these do look like red flags. Read up and learn as much as you can about domestic abuse and perpetrators of abuse and ask yourself deep down, your gut, whether you think your relationship is abusive. Honestly, it does sound as if it is, and probably when you look a bit closer and back, there may well have been other warning signs, red flags, things not quite right. Is the perfect, really perfect or is the perfect, the perfect you have made it? If you know what I mean? I spent a lot of time into trying to change, trying to adhere to the rules, trying to tow the line, trying to be better, clean better, cook better. You know what, that stopping eating your cooking. Massive alarm bell as that happened here too. Sending you strength and support, ask away and stay strong. Does it get worse, in my experience it did, did it transfer to my children, to one of them it did, its very personal and dependant on the dynamics but its unusual for it not to get worse, Im sorry to say. Well done for posting. xx

    • #136288
      Pinkpearl
      Participant

      Thank you all for your replies. My mind is so full of everything right now. My partner has now decided he doesn’t want to be with me and will leave. But it feels like there is always a reason he isn’t leaving. Money. The kids. The house. I don’t feel like he will actually leave. In the meantime we are still behaving like a couple, until I want to have a proper conversation about it. Then he gets annoyed and says he will definitely leave. I am looking into legal advice but am also so sad to be in this position. I don’t know how I got here?

      Do/did any of you find yourself really anrgy at how you have been treated, confront your partner about it and then end up being the one who appoologises?

    • #136292
      Kitkat44
      Participant

      Hello pinkpearl

      You have been given fabulous advice, in answer to your question, yes, over the years I tried all the ways I could think of to have those difficult conversations and we went round and round as it was always flipped bac to me. And I would feel full of guilt and make amends and smooth things over.
      I also have four children they are older and one in particular bears the brunt of his dads abuse. It makes me feel sick to type that again as I’m still here. So yes also to back up the other ladies-it gets worse.
      Anyway He has seen some light and tried to change but the cracks have started to widen so I’m still planning a way out.

      It can feel so overwhelming, the main thing is find out all you can but keep yourself safe.
      Take care
      Sending love xx

      • #136297
        Pinkpearl
        Participant

        Kitkat44,
        This sounds like me. Trying so hard to get everything right but still managing to get things wrong. Then saying sorry for something he has done. Eventually, I end up smoothing things over. We both agree to make things better. Then things might be good for a few years. But then something happens and he says he never loved me etc. He fixates on something else and may or may not go back to “normal.”

        I feel better this time because I am considering my own options more. I actually want to go this time. But it is scary and I do feel sad.

        Thank you for your reply.
        Lots of love to you too. I hope you find happiness too. It sounds like you are a great partner and wife. You deserve better.

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