My mind is in conflict got to do this

[Chocolatebunnie]

Today I have it in black and white my child attempted suicide for various reasons including conflictual family situation. This is a report from psychiatrist.

Same child has therapy at school and they underlined aspects dad has said to me about leaving, I’ve discussed this with my children which is how they know. I don’t know if I should have discussed this and wonder is it abuse as I am talking about dad and it’s negative, perhaps I should limit what I tell children, but we are in this together, so it feels, and the two older kids have talked lots with me. He says I won’t cope if he leaves, and school said it’s illegal him saying this, it’s again emotional abuse, installing fear in me to keep me with him.

It’s all around me I know, the signs are there and it’s affecting the kids not just me but they’re so important I’m scared I will loose them, either from services or they will hurt themselves. I’ve got to do something, and I can now say the abuse it’s physical too, not violent but sexually throughout the entire relationship. I just thought it was normal and expected.

Goalposts have changed. He’s so nice to me and gets at kids, he must think I don’t see it. He is nice to me for several reasons, he wants sex, he knows I won’t put up with his moaning and put downs, but also he wants to keep his castle and kids.

He gets at kids instead, says he should be able to tell them off etc (yes but he’s so militant) there no love or support with the older kids and they have so difficult problems being autistic and diagnosis with anxiety too. He cannot support them with this. However, he’s lovely with the younger ones but he does occasionally smack and I’m against that, he knows but still does it and he’s a large strong man. So my option is irrelevant in discipline.

So he’s keeping me sweet and messing my older kids up. That’s how I see it today. But he’s still grinding me down, I don’t do enough it’s now affection he wants. When we talk about our relationship and he says it’s a problem even when I think things are fine he says they’re not and so he goes on until I cannot physically move and feel so low I want to die. That’s not how a normal conversation should be. This is constant, by keeping me low, every weekend this is, he keeps me in my place and keeps me trying to make things right between us when my energy should be elsewhere. My attention is on kids 109% and I think this drives him more so to reel me back in.

I’ve got up get out or something bad is going to happen, to me medically as my health is already bad or kids. As the two older are both suicidal at times.

I had an appointment today with local refuge but had to cancel as younger kid of sick.

I’m so scared as he manipulates me and I get the FOG and I’m scared I won’t cope. I get behind on housework running around after kids, appointments and school runs. People ask how I cope, I don’t. I just keep going. The house is in disrepair, this affects my mental wellbeing and he has started so many big jobs and nothing’s finished I won’t physically or financially be able to sort this. It might mean moving home the thought is overwhelming and my kids older two are autistic so change is not good for them. But they both want one change and that’s dad gone.

I do too I’m so frightened, only just admitting to myself how frightened I am. 4 kids and two with complex needs, my own health difficulties. I know it can be done but the fear just now.

[KIP.]

The Fear all comes from his abusive manipulation. Thinking logically, what exactly would you miss about him? You need to take this leap of faith for your children. Your hope will be happier, safer and healthier without him. Your children won’t be held back. They will have your undivided support and a good healthy routine. I lived in fear for many years and had suicidal thoughts so I can only imagine what it does to a child. Messing with their minds. He’s abusing you all. Listen to the professionals. Ignore the brainwashing from him. Gather a support network around you and get him out of your home. You coped before he tried Holding you back and you will cope again. In fact you will all thrive. Give your children the life they deserve. He won’t look after you all, he’s proved that, he’s destroying you. Take the leap of faith. Build a new better life for you all x

[Chocolatebunnie]

KIP I agree with all you say. There are good points, one was he listened to me with the problems with kids needs. However he listens and then acts against what they truly need. So I’m seeing through him.

However, he does a lot lifts for kids, cooking cleaning when I’m behind and decorating although not on top of DIY atm as he says he can’t as I’ve made him miserable.

We do laugh but at the same time I have a constant sadness now knowing who he really is and a sense of loss. I’ve been staying with him for the kids, and then for the two youngest. But now that’s a reason to get him to go as he’s causing the kids damage.

My hope is that you have described I crave a calm happy home having grown up in this environment myself I have felt I e let the kids down, choosing the wrong man to father our kids. Now is the time to do this.

I guess I also worry that he will obviously have contact and will still cause the kids damage. Partly why I’ve stayed to be there 24 hours a day to protect and intervene. He has issues with weed and will drink drive not over the limit necessarily but I wouldn’t drink at all with my kids in the car, and he will drive without their seatbelt and do on. So I have my concerns and hate being separated from the children so he having them without me will break my heart.

What if wants them 50/50 again that’ll break my heart. I don’t think he will but what if?

It’s putting this aside and doing the right thing.

I really needed to see the contact from refuge today’s to get this support especially while I’m thinking this way.

[KIP.]

I doubt the court would allow someone like him 50/50 especially when he’s already driven one of his kids to attempt suicide. Weed issues. This is where you need a good support team around you. Women’s aid. Keep all the records you can of his behaviour. The things he does to help come at a price. He gives with one hand and takes with the other. What you described is what any person does in a relationship. Help out. He gets no points for this. He should be doing this. It’s the destruction he causes that’s damaging to you all. I know the fear of leaving and you have every right to be concerned. That’s why you take all the help offered. Get away from him and prevent him from continuing to harm your children. You can do this. You need him for nothing. He causes more problems. The decorations and repairs can be done long term. The main thing is to get him out and concentrate on you and your children before it’s too late. Keep reaching out. I know it’s overwhelming you. That’s what he’s counting on x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you KIP what you say gives me strength and I told him (detail removed by moderator) we need to separate.

I keep thinking why?

I keep doubting myself and I already text him today as I’m so hurt.

I keep thinking what if he has help?

I have had him in my life for so many years it’s all I know,

Perhaps I should have waited until I had support with this I knew I would feel this, as you’ve said before it’s fear of what has been endured whilst living with him or fear of what it will be without him, obligations and guilt is the biggest word, it’s guilt for him and what I’m doing to him now and the kids breaking up the family.

I have taken onboard all you’ve said KIP I’m just feeling weak right now, having read yours and many others posts on here I guess this is normal x

[KIP.]

Youre not breaking up the family, you’re saving your family. He gave up any rights to be in your family the moment he chose to abuse you all. Families are made up of all sorts these days. Single parents, two mums, two dads, step families. The main thing is that children have a safe loving family home and support to encourage them. Have you read about trauma bonding. Abusers make us so dependent on us, almost like a captor and hostage situation where we feel we need to keep them on side and are grateful to them when in fact they have been trapping and destroying us. My ex used to push me off a cliff, then come down and rescue me. As human beings we crave what is normal to us and that’s what you’re doing. He’s made you so dependent on him, it doesn’t feel right unless he’s in your life. It’s distorted thinking through abuse. Go back to basics. You need a safe roof, your children safe and happy, food, heating and a positive support network that doesn’t include anyone who is trying to destroy you. Get rid of him, block him. It’s hard because you’re fighting your own instincts which are telling you to follow the wrong path. Your own child is suicidal and two of them want their own father to leave. Listen to them x

[KIP.]

Would it help if you lied to yourself and told yourself getting rid of him would be temporary. That you would give it six months to see if your children thrive with out him. You will all thrive but you need to take that leap x

[Chocolatebunnie]

So grateful for this advice at this moment, it’s so very sad but true. My kids need this which is my be all and end all right now, the letter from psychiatrist is not blaming but states family conflict which is good enough for me.

I’ve asked him to seek help, he has offered at times to seek help but we are still here same old story.

I think the temporary separation idea is a good one, I’m sure once I have my space and get my head clear. Get over this hurdle I will feel less distraught and cope better.

It may reduce the aftermath too if he feels it’s temporary but he has already said it’s all or nothing as I asked last night for a temp sep maybe he will change his mind x

[Hetty]

Mine has offered to seek help then refused saying it’s all me, that I should be seeking help. I have a difficult life due to other issues and this has impacted on us as a couple without doubt but then I remember times when things have been more settled and still I am emotionally abused. There are deep issues that would take such a long time to work through and why should us women be the emotional punch bag.
In my experience when I have pleaded for separation things escalate or he is super nice to distort my thinking.
Life never feels normal and there’s always drama and so it leaves normal functioning nearly impossible. It keeps us trapped. I have been in this cycle for years and NOTHING ever changes. I’ve tried standing up for myself, seeking help for myself, been a dutiful wife, kept quiet, shouted back, begged and pleaded. NOTHING changes. Holidays that are supposed to be nice are a time if dread and anxiety. Weekends are utter torture. I become resentful and down hearted that to keep him happy I have to give up so much of myself.

[Eunice Annie]

Please leave. The Women’s Refuge will help I am sure. You will be helping your kids to a more loving & stable life. Let the courts decide what contact the abuser has with them. He sounds as if he abuses you all. I hope you can leave soon & I wish you the very best. You sound like a great Mum.

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