12th July 2019 at 8:34 am #83211
She offered me a lift to a course I attend. I told her it was fine and that I can make my own way. She then repeated that she can give me a lift and it was fine, so I took her up on her offer.
She later informs me that this was a ‘test’. She was ‘testing’ me to ‘see how selfish’ I am and that if I ‘really wasn’t selfish’ I ‘wouldn’t have taken her up on her offer’.
It triggered me so much that I felt my heartrate increase drastically, I immdiately felt the same way I did when I was a teenager living in her house; I needed to get out. I teared up loads and just left. I later rang my sister crying who re-assured me that it’s not selfish to accept someones offer to help you.
i have no idea why my mam has this affect on me, it not only takes me back to the way my abusive husband treat me, but also the way she treat me as a teenager.
Can anyone explain to me why she sends me into a panicked flight-mode so easily?
12th July 2019 at 8:36 am #83212
Just wanted to add that I can’t cut ties with my mam; children services gave my child to her on the basis that I’d cause him future emotional harm if I entered into another DA relationship.. the irony
12th July 2019 at 5:22 pm #83257
Oh how awful Sweet disposition.
Well if you felt over-the-counter by her as a child, and unable to cope around her, out of control, there’s no reason you wouldn’t still feel that as far as I can see.
I think you will learn over time to trust yourself,but you did a good thing in triangulating, by checking this out with your sister.
Hopefully in time you will be able to put the break on and think, hang on, stop, take stock, this is because she’s being overbearing again, or trying to catch me out, or whatever it may be, and be able to feel more in control.
I mean, take back control from her. Take it back and hang onto it, and if that means never accepting a lift, or similar again, or just nodding and ignoring, it will come, in time.
You are learning more all the time she shows you this behaviour now your eyes are open.
It’s great to have such an ally as your sister to go to for validation! Would you and her be able to go to your mother together to raise this as an issue, and to ask why she’s feeling the need to do that, or to tell her it’s unacceptable?
12th July 2019 at 5:23 pm #83258
*overwhelmed no idea where over-the-counter came from
13th July 2019 at 8:52 am #83304
I don’t think I could. I’ve tried explaining to her that when she uses the same words my ex husband would use (who ironically used them because she did through my teen years; ‘useless’, was a big one), it triggers me. I’m asked her to understand that this is emotional harm and though I am an adult now, I’m still her child and she shouldn’t treat me this way. I’ve tried highlighting that she shouldn’t be saying these things to me in front of my son either because that will cause him emotional harm; as someone who listened to her degrade my grandma to my dad, who would stand in front of my dad to defend him and his mother, in the hopes it would stop and stop affecting me and my sister too, I understand emotional harm. I’ve explained that this is exactly what family court wanted me to protect my son from, but I failed because of the relationship with my husband – that I’m away from him now and this, what she does, is the only negativity left in my live but I’m trapped because family court put him with her. She yells at me for ‘accusing her’ of being like my husband. She’s said ‘how are we meant to be a normal family when you accuse me of being like him’ and it scares me because I’m afraid she’ll just stop me from seeing my son. She never apologises, she tells me and my sister that she’s more important that us and if we try to talk to her about something that upsets us, she tells us she ‘can’t be bother’ and shuts us down. I’m worried she’ll do this to my son, but local authority have deemed her to be safer than me apparently (which she also uses against me).. it’s soul destroying. I know in my heart she’s the reason my self-esteem has been so low all my life that I was the perfect target for my ex. When I try telling her how I feel, she accuses me of ‘not taking responsibility for myself’. My sister has been told that it’s ‘her fault’ for crying in response to something our mam has said. I don’t know how to get away from it as my son is with her
13th July 2019 at 9:32 am #83309
I think she uses a lot of coercive control too. One time I was around their house caring for my son while she was chatting with her friend. He needed his happy changed but there were no nappies in the bathroom. I was informed that there was a new packet in the bedroom so I went upstairs, got one nappy and got him changed. I came back downstairs with my son but left the packet of nappies in the bedroom as I didn’t think she’d want them moved. She immediately questioned why I’m so ‘inconsiderate that I didn’t think to help her by bringing the packet of nappies downstairs like a normal person’. This was in front of her friend as well who was gobsmacked. I got upset and explained that I only needed one nappy and that I thought she wanted the packet upstairs where she’d put it (I figured I’d get in trouble if I moved it). She then accused me of not ‘being a normal person’ again so I went back upstairs, got the packet and brought it downstairs to put in the bathroom, asking her ‘does that make me normal now?’ – I was really upset. I walked past my dad who was in the kitchen and he turned to me and said ‘I wouldn’t have moved it either, wouldn’t want to get it wrong’..
13th July 2019 at 11:31 am #83319
What support do you have?
You write very clearly good examples, that you understand, and that your sister can also see.
You have a witness in the form of the ‘gobsmacked’ friend.
I would speak with your GP and raise these concerns, I would document it clearly as you have here, and get some legal advice (Rights of Women/FLOW), and then challenge the social services decision, to have it changed.
Abusers will do whatever works, and if we reveal anything that causes/d us upset they will keep that stored for future harm. They look for chinks and means to hurt and harm to control.
I certainly experienced that and I’ve heard other say the same. We have trusted and shared personal experiences, they use them against us to cause pain of whatever type.
Get good support in place to challenge this decision. I imagine they would also want to see evidence of remaining seperate from your ex. No contact atall, etc.
14th July 2019 at 7:26 am #83367
I think it would be really difficult for me to even admit to a professional everything I have said here. Family Court wanted me to have ‘insight’ into what domestic abuse is and of course I have, I’ve explained a lot of it well here with my mam but I’d be afraid to use her as an example as it would hurt my dad; my dads a great dad and wonderful person and I wouldn’t want to force him into a position in which he has to face up to the reality of what his (detail removed by moderator) year long relationship has been like. I don’t want him thinking he wasted his life with the wrong person; I don’t want him to feel guilty. He’s so hard on himself as it is.
Another problem, i think, is that I was so focused on trying to get my son back I think I was distracted from what I should have been reflecting on. It’s only been since they made their decision, and since my m**s began reminding me of what she’s really like, have I began to see this. I don’t think they’d understand that – CS are very critical of us survivors.
16th July 2019 at 11:40 pm #83550fizzylemParticipant
Sounds like your mum thinks she’s got you where she wants you hey – my mum was similar when I needed babysitting with my eldest, there was always a condition attached and she thought it gave her the right to meddle and have an opinion on my life. I’m helping you so you will listen to me now because you need me so you’ve got to.
I do not see how accepting a lift makes you selfish at all, what is the problem? Its no biggie is it, families do help one another out. I feel really uncomfortable that she admitted it was a test – wth?
Your sister is spot on; this is a terrible message to give someone, that it’s not ok to accept help, leaves a person struggling, leaves them often crippled and unable to ask for help. We all need support, every last one of us.
What you need to do is learn how not to react to her, respond when she is kind, no response at all when she is not. Takes a bit of time to practice but it does work, eventually she will get the message that her opinions carry no weight with you and that you really are not interested, so she will stop. Don’t engage in any conversation you do not wish to have with her – eventually she will learn which topics are for discussion and which one’s are always going to be off the table.
When I got triggered by my mum, it’s like you feel you just took a lash in the chest isnt it, because it is an attack, a verbal attack, what I did was I withdrew, I said nothing and I told myself this, ‘dont step into the crazy’. If you engage with her or try to defend yourself this only validates her delusions, makes it true to her, gives her what she wants, another go at you, so don’t do it, ‘step away from the crazy’.
Hope you are reunited with your son full time one day xx
16th July 2019 at 11:51 pm #83551fizzylemParticipant
Have you found out what would be the procedure you need to start to get him back?
17th July 2019 at 3:00 pm #83581
Unfortunately no, I haven’t. The social worker is a bit of a narcissits herself I think and seems to enjoy my pain so I emailed her manager and I’m yet to have a response.
17th July 2019 at 3:01 pm #83582
Thank you btw, I’ll remember to step away from the crazy.. it makes me extremely uncomfortable that she admitted she was ‘testing’ me too. In the past she’s out right told me she ‘doesn’t do empathy’.. it is scary
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