my mothers husband

[kitty]

After my abusive marriage I had counselling and it made me realise why I despise my mothers husband. When I was (detail removed by Moderator) my dad died, and (detail removed by Moderator) months later my mother got with this new man. A few months later he moved in with us. Obviously for me, this was way too soon. I was still a grieving child! Anyway, he was horrid to me. I admit I was not well behaved, but it was only to be expected after the trauma of losing my dad. I developed anorexia and he always used to shout at me about not eating. I went through a short period where my eating increased and his response was to tell me I was getting fat! Horrid man! One day he pinned me against the wall and screamed in my face, another time he pinned me to a chair. I ordered a catalogue via post only to be shouted at and told it was not allowed in HIS house! (The house I shared with my mam, dad and brother for (detail removed by Moderator) years).
I moved out at (detail removed by Moderator) to get away from the hell. I kept my distance. I would go over for tea, they visited sometimes but that was it. It always felt staged. Since he started seeing my mam I had only been out with her 3 times without him there (her hen night, to pick her wedding dress, to pick my dress for her wedding). We never had a mother daughter relationship coz he was ALWAYS there! Once we decided to go into a little business venture together – he stopped it!
Then I had kids. He has told me that my eldest is not clever enough for university and he called my middle child a tub of lard to her face when she was(detail removed by Moderator) . I hate his guts.
So, after my abusive marriage I ended up in hospital with mental health problems. They didn’t visit, not even on Christmas day. After I got out I went to see them. He screamed at me and told me that mental health is something that I should snap out of!
Since this I have had a horrible letter from my mother accusing me of not being ill, telling me how I need to take responsibility for the abuse in my marriage and that I am a bad mother. (My kids live with family members as I was deemed too unwell to have them). I suffer with two chronic pain disorders and mental health issues including anxiety, depression and social problems. I agreed to them going to live there as it was best for them, even though it was not best for me.
Should I write back to her and tell her how I feel about her choosing this (detail removed by Moderator) over me and letting him treat me and my kids like dirt? It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) since she wrote to me, and it keeps me awake at night, or wakes me up in the middle of the night. She has always defended him saying he doesn’t mean it like that etc. He is very argumentative and a civil conversation with him is impossible. He talks at you and never shuts up until you concede defeat. I have left their house and drove home crying many a time because of him. He has taken my mother from me. She should be allowed a relationship with me, but I think it makes him jealous. My mother accused me of shutting her out……….. if only she knew why! The atmosphere in their home is so oppressive and fake! My brother has told me that he bullies her (he still lives there). One night he spent two hours shouting at her to go to bed even though she wasn’t tired just so she would be asleep when he went to bed and she wouldn’t keep him awake! My brother had to step in.
The insults are so under handed. It’s never “you’re not going to get a decent job”, its always ” You do know you have to have good grades to do that don’t you”? Implying, its always implying without saying it out right! When I told them I was going to university (detail removed by Moderator)….the comments started. “B****y hell, you have to have a degree for everything these days, even to be a road sweeper” Putting me down by belittling my acheivements.
Should I write to her? Should I try and make her see why our relationship has stalled for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years? Or do I just forget it and try to push it out of my mind? I’ve spent a year thinking this…… over

[kitty]

ps, I have not had any contact with them for over a year

[KIP.]

Hi Kitty, I found that with my abuser there was no winning. They simply don’t accept any guilt. Have you received councelling? It might be good to talk about the abuse you suffered. It obviously pains you but from what you’ve said, her husband is a nasty abuser and she is probably trying to keep him happy to keep herself safe? It’s hard to know what to do but opening old wounds won’t help. Maybe ask your brother just to tell your mum you love her and are there for her whenever she needs you. Then it’s upto her. I would feel sorry for her x

[KIP.]

Just re read and see you’ve had councelling after your abusive marriage. Perhaps go back for a few sessions to get you over this hurdle?

[kitty]

I think I need a bit more than that tbh. I have bad dreams, I over sleep, or I can’t sleep. I can never answer the phone or door. I can’t go places on my own coz I panic. I can’t interact with people, they’re alien to me 🙁 I’ve had abuse in one form or another since age (detail removed by Moderator) and I don’t know how to be around people or talk to people or just be me. I always hide away at home, for weeks at a time without leaving the house.

[kitty]

does anyone else have any advice on this?

[Serenity]

Hi Kitty,

You’ve taken the right step in sharing here, as we can all validate that your stepfather is indeed an abuser. I agree with KIP that your mother is scared of admitting the truth, either because she is scared he will leave or scared he will punish her.

However, your priority is to protect yourself and your beautiful children.

Abusers bully those who they sense are weaker or who are naive.

If I were you, I would send a very short statement to both your mother and abuser stating that the behaviour you suffered and that shown to your children is abusive and unacceptable. It won’t be tolerated anymore.

This isn’t to convert them to your way of thinking. This is to set firm boundaries. To state your truth, not p***y foot around them or let them convince you otherwise. It is to state your truth, simply. There won’t be remorse from their side, just denial, because abusers deny.

Then you can go about setting up your boundaries. No contact with the abusive stepfather; no letting him near your children, and no co tact with your mother unless she is on her own.

Maybe this will make her come to her senses, maybe not. You can’t make her do anything, but you can come trol your life and your own responses. You have a right to keep abusers out.

Ideally, your mother would have recognised her husband as abusive years ago and stood up to him, but we know it’s not always that easy. We don’t know what rubbish he feeds her when they are alone, what brainwashing is going on.

I agree with KIP that it’s important that she knows that you are in the other side, waiting for her if she ever chooses to escape. Maybe the fact that you will have refused any further contact with your stepfather will make her see you as a safe place to get away to eventually.

Keep on talking to your brother, let him offload and reassure him this is no reflection on him.

You’ve had counselling, and might need more, but I think also making this definitive statement will give you your power back. Setting firm boundaries is empowering.

Have you thought of doing the Freedom course? This speaks about patterns in childhood, and how we can fall into abusive relationships due to our childhood experiences, plus how we can avoid falling into them in the future. Being with other women might strengthen you.

I was anorexic as a teenager. Your cruel stepfather knew exactly what he was doing when he said you’d got fat: like all abusers, he used your vulnerabilities to abuse you, whereas a normal person would have done all they could to encourage you to become strong.

Xx

[Ayanna]

Hi Kitty. what you describe seems to be PTSD.
You need to pester the doctors to help you.
PTSD is hard to overcome. Do you read sometimes? Reading books is very difficult when suffering from PTSD. I have PTSD and I struggle immensely. I keep up with work but I cannot do anything extra. I read books very slowly. Concentration is a real problem.

You had an abusive childhood and were denied grieving for you father. For this you need to have counseling too. It should all go together, because of your childhood things happened to you.

Long time ago I wrote letters to my parents. They were physically and emotionally highly abusive and caused me a lot of damage.
The outcome was that they were very angry at me and said I was ungrateful and had no manners.
They questioned why I came out like this after they had tried so hard to give me a decent education. I have to emphasize here that they failed to let me have a good education to become successful in life with a profession.

They then said I was an unruly character and it probably is a genetic issue, because of the ancestors that we have. Imagine that!
Until today they never understood what they have done.
I went to University and got a degree. They do not appreciate that. They are not proud of me. They treat it as something that I did because I am a mislead daughter.
I do not say anything again because they only become offended. They are old now. I keep a distance to them and let them talk. I just say yes, yes, and forget what they say. For me it is not worth it, they will leave this earth soon and they will never learn.

When I studied about abuse after I escaped my own highly abusive marriage I learned that abusers never change. They never gain insight in what they do. They will never admit that they hurt others. They find reasons that are valid for them why they did what they did and they will minimize what they did, turn it into an harmless event.
I understood why my parents will never change.
I understood why the abuser will never change.

I completely gave up mentioning anything of the past to them. It is a waste of energy. If they annoy me I just have no contact until I feel better.
I had several years of no contact to them. Off and on.
I am only in contact with them out of respect. After all they gave me life.

I knew a very famous psychiatrist, who made the government of a country allow people, who committed suicide, to have a funeral in a normal graveyard. Before that such people where denied a funeral and were buried outside the graveyard in unnamed graves.
This psychiatrist was extremely clever and he said the most impressive things. He became an University lecturer and gained international fame. I hung on every word he said. I admired him and took his words as the bible.
Before he died his son committed suicide and I heard his wife was very sick. Then I found out that he had been very abusive in his home and drove his son into suicide.
The same man who sounded like the messiah of psychiatry and who should have known best of all was an abuser. And he would not admit this to himself. He never saw himself as the cause of his family’s suffering.

If you want to write and it makes you feel relieved, write the letter. Tell them everything. Have a go at them. Tell them off, accuse them, whatever. They will just be angry at you. But they will not understand.

[Author]

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