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I have always been quite close to my parents. I used to speak to them every day. I started to become distance when I met my ex and I now realise he was the one who instigated this. I also lost contact with most of my friends. There was a very messy and violent break up last summer and I went home to stay with my parents and reconnected with friends.
Initially my mum and dad were fantastic. They were patient and supportive and helped me get off the sofa. They weren’t negative about my ex because they thought I was going to get back with him (they didn’t know the extent of the abuse at the time). Now that I have told them the truth my mum is being insensitive, cruel and stubborn.
I have told her numerous times that I have PTSD and she flatly refuses to accept it. She is a devout Christian so thinks I should pray it away. I prayed numerous times during the relationship and after and found no solace in it. She says things like, “why did you stay?”, “why are you letting him control you? I didn’t raise a weak daughter” and when I told her about being raped multiple times she said, “why didn’t you fight back?” She won’t believe that my ex is cruel enough to have done anything intentionally abusive. She also told me not to report him to be the police. She said I was being spiteful. This is just the tip of the iceberg of the stuff that she’s said to me. She often laughs and tells me to stop being so pathetic. It is so hurtful to hear this from my own mother. I can’t believe the arguments we have had over the last 7 months. I always went to her for advice and support and now when I need her the most she has turned against me.
Many family members have tried to explain to her that I’m unwell and struggling but she won’t listen. I’ve sent her lots of material about PTSD but she thinks it’s rubbish. My dad now understands and tries to mediate and get my mum on side but to no avail. As far as she is concerned, it’s been a year and my ex is no longer in the country so I should be over it now. I have cut contact with her numerous times but after this weekend’s huge argument I’ve decided that I will no longer have a relationship with her and have told the family that I won’t be going home anymore. I have also stopped seeing my younger siblings and dad because I don’t want to see her. This is hard but I can’t cope with the stress of seeing her.
Have any of you had this kind of problem with your family? Have they defended your abuser? Do they deny that you are still suffering from the effects of the abuse? What should I do?
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Hi Tiredone,
sorry to hear about your situation which sounds very distressing after what you went through with your ex and now this. I do think it is quite common because an abusive relationship can shine a light on your other relationships where you notice similar characteristics as well as bring out other people’s true colours.
I can relate to the family difficulties, my parents were initially supportive when I left but I stopped speaking to my parents a few weeks later because the more I read about abuse it started to dawn on me that a lot of the behaviours were things they had done to me my whole life which I had just accepted as normal. My mum told me not to report him to the police in case I ‘got in trouble for wasting police time’ which was an awful, fear-inducing thing to say. I ignored her and reported him on the advice of the experts and am glad I did. My dad is very strange and even suggested I get back together with him which was about the worst advice he could have given me and thankfully I ignored that too.
I think it’s healthy to go no contact for now and perhaps you can work out a way to still keep seeing your dad and siblings without your mum, ie meet them individually for lunch or coffee once a month or something.
You need to be around supportive, kind, caring people who understand and validate you, staying around someone who invalidates you, denies things and blames you is absolutely toxic.
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How horrid for you, Tiredone. Do you get on well with your dad? My mum always used to tell me not to talk to my dad or mention bad things as he wouldn’t cope. These days I recognise this and do not discuss anything with him that I think might upset him. Sometimes it’s lonely having no parent to speak to about important issues. It is much better for me though, as, like your mum, he would think it was all my fault.
Please try and get as much help and support for yourself to see you through this difficult time. Please also remember that this situation is absolutely not your fault. Your parents are fallible like everyone else and for now at least, you need to look after yourself first and decide how your relationship with your parents might be when you are on firmer ground. Some parents cannot cope with their children being vulnerable and you need to get out of the web. -
hey hun
family and parents just dont get it, i rememeber when i walked out my dad was still considering sending me back even though this man had tried to kill me , he would just sit there listening to me and saying maybe but his learnt his lesson, maybe if he begs for forgivness infront of everybody we could give hima chance, i was like no way , i dont want no one to beg me and not going back, thx god i was lucky enough to private rent too clear my head, my mum was a rock and refused to send me back, she struggled to understand too and still has days where she says how could u take it, why didnt u speak up , i got all the well if u didnt want sex just say no, they dont get how saying no means further beatings and torture. I found i had dto stop telling them how i was feeling and seeked support outside via counselling and this forum. Positive support helps so much, a negative comment is enough to put u back to square one
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This forum has been invaluable and everyone has been so kind in my time of despair. That what I was hoping to get from my mum and dad. They always were a source of comfort so it’s difficult to understand why my mum is being so cruel.
I don’t want to lose her but I guess you guys are right. I have to either cut her off or not talk to her about it. As this situation is all consuming and overwhelming, I will have to cut her off for now. My dad has been as understanding as he can be but still isn’t great. Friends have been wonderful but still don’t understand what it’s like. I try to explain to everyone that I don’t feel like myself and they’re quick to tell me I am. I know they are trying to help but it just feels like I’m being invalidated again.
It just makes this whole thing even more heartbreaking and difficult.
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