22nd May 2019 at 8:37 pm #78889
(Detail removed by moderator) I received a letter from my mother. A while ago she sent me some not nice messages as I wouldn’t do what she wanted and I asked her to please stop messaging me and having go at me. So now she has sent me a letter. The whole letter is about how she thinks and feels. It is written in a semi threatening tone and puts me down as a person and as a parent. She uses friends and other family members in it too, basically saying they agree with her and saying that they are against me too and its my own fault, cos I did this and that etc. She tries to use my child as a weapon against me, saying im stopping my child from doing this and that and not giving her the best life etc as I wont do what she wants in terms of my child.
So draining. I have letters like this before but this time I am not responding. No point. I set my boundaries over a year ago when she went too far in what she said to me and I limited contact but she is still continuing. Ive fallen into trap of responding to some messages to defend myself recently and a desperate bid to try to get her to stop having a go at me but it doesn’t work. Now I have this letter! The only way i can see, no matter how hard it is, is to not respond. Any thoughts?
22nd May 2019 at 8:57 pm #78892
I think you are totally right in what you say, blueskies.
i.e. not to respond.
What on earth is wrong with people? It makes me so cross. It must be so hurtful for you to get this from a family member.
I know this is sympathy and not empathy, but I had a similar communiacation by text from a so called ‘friend’ accusing me of being ‘co-dpendent’ and using my child as ’emotional’ something I don’t understand.
I did the same as you. But said what I thought and then blacklisted them. After spelling it out that they can’t even look after themselves apparently, and I’ve got two people to look after…
Honestly, where do such people get off? It his hard enough bringing a child up in austerity Britain without such utter cxxp from people.
I am the first to admit I am not a perfect person, but whatever happened to praise for a parent.
‘well done you, for supporting your child’…
‘well done for looking out for htem…’
‘that must have been hard, you managed that really well…’
‘how did you get on today with x’…
honestly if the bxxxxrds don’t like our mothering then tough sxxt.
I can only think it is some twisted form of jealously and definitely their own agenda.
It they are not helping they can jxxlly well take a hike…
Try not to let it put you off your stride blueskies…
22nd May 2019 at 9:38 pm #78896
I’m going through similar. I never thought it would come to this but I’m setting boundaries like you. I wouldn’t even read her next one. Painful but we have survived worse. I think these people preferred us vulnerable and downtrodden and once we have our own opinions back they feel threatened. Don’t know why they have the right to interfere and try to control. They should worry about things that concern them.
22nd May 2019 at 10:21 pm #78900
spot on KIP.
So sorry we are going through this at the moment. It is draining.And you are so right KIP with the ‘painful but we have survived worst;
Also think it is perceptive of you to notice how people preferred us ‘downtrodden’ and ‘vulnerable’…
Today I glanced at the coverage of the UN Inspector’s report about austerity Britain…he clearly said that single parents have it very hard in the current climate.
I don’t go round asking for pity, I’m not like that, I’m way too proud (which is maybe what some don’t like…) – but at the same time, support and encouragement doesn’t go amiss does it.
Strange with the boundaries about myself, I must be so practised at them now, it’s kind of a switch going on in my head, with a label on it which says ‘no, don’t have time and energy for that one…’ etc…
maybe people don’t like that either.
still we can support each other on here….hope you get some sleep blueskies…
23rd May 2019 at 8:28 pm #78983
Thank you fredomtochoose and KIP, i really appreciate your thoughts and support. Praise and appreciation and positive comments is not something my mother ever gives. She is a negative person and critical. I think when people are like this it is them whom have the issue but are projecting it onto us. They dont like it when we start to stand up for ourselves and are not bullied by them. They dont like it when we set our own boundaries. I think you are right KIP they feel threatened and then they get worse as they cant let things go, they need to be in control, they need to be right and get what they want and they need the attention on them.
I bought this book a while a go which i have been reading on and off and picked it up again yesterday. It is enlightening and helpful. (Detail removed by moderator). I am now on the section about Recovery and it goes through the different steps you need to take. I have moved so far along the recovery path myself already i have realised just through what i felt i needed to do as i had exhausted all other options. It is interesting to see that what i have done so far is what it says to do in this book. I am not good at giving myself credit but seeing where i am at shows me that i have more strength than i give myself credit for.
Keep going ftc and KIP, you are doing amazing.
23rd May 2019 at 9:27 pm #78989
blueskies I really value and appreciate your journey.
This is going to sound a bit odd, but I was really, really aware when I had a child that I wanted not to do things like my own mother did.
Thank the goddess I was enough of a feminist by then, (detail removed by moderator) that I had access to feminist mothering influences that helped me out and I feel enabled me to be a different kind of a mother.
I was strong enough. And I feel my daughter would tell me if I were totally out of order. Despite my failings.
Many and varied lol.
The thing is looking back the abuse I suffered, my own siblings kept tracking back to the abusive pattern my mother established. Whereas I felt I had already broken free, if you know what I mean.
I no longer blame me own mum. I haven’t for a long number of years. The way I see it, she was so struggling with economic circumstances and patriarchal cirumstances…although sometimes I don’t know.
but what I do know is that I have really, really, put the work in to reflect on myself and it has been hard and difficult.
and I know that others, including my own birth family and abusers extended family really do not have a good word to ay about me.
but everyone outside of my family does. School. Officials…
how can this be unless I am d**g the right thing
23rd May 2019 at 9:29 pm #78990
this sounds really strange but I have just been to see the Elton john film
It really made me aware of what his mother said to him and what awful, awful
consequences it can have when a mother somehow tells you you are not good enough.
Actually, don’t be afraid of watching it because in the end it is a lovely film
23rd May 2019 at 10:10 pm #78992
do you think maybe your mum sees you as an extension of herself? it sounds like she dosent like having the same control that she had over you as she did when she was bringing you up. shes trying to reprimand you and make you tow the line. what shes not seeing is your your own person and should be given the respect to make your own choices. as a parent i really do try to come and go with what my views are i definitely would impose them on my kids xx she needs to realise that but does it ever resonate if this is who they are? its all down to whats passed down in the last era at least hopefully we can change that xx love diymum
23rd May 2019 at 10:19 pm #78993
Yes, I think DIY has some brill points.
However, I try to spell out to my own child what the legal situation is.
That may sound strange, but no matter how I feel, what I do or say,
there is the legal framework…court orders etc and the fact that they
are not supposed to do certain things till they are 16.
I feel that we, as mothers sometimes get blamed for this.
Rightly or wrongly I try to put the blame back.
e.g the law says blah….
you can’t do blah…till you are blah…
sounds funny I know but maybe I am only able to do this because my child is fairly street wise and I can speak to her like that.
I don’t always think the laws are as best . but safeguarding is safeguarding for examply and I am very clear if I don’t ensure certain things are in place it is my fault as a mum.
and bottom line is still if I don’t my child gets taken away from me.
Worst case scenario?
I maybe wouldn’t have had this as a constant in my head unless I had been through sxxt with my ex
and if he had not made various threats.
I am sure my own mum never had to face that
she only had to face her own husband threatening her on occasion with being sectioned?
this is true by the way
husbands have the right to do that
whereas me, I am a decent mum, have proved it on my own…
23rd May 2019 at 10:22 pm #78996
no misunderstandings, not to say you can’t be a decent mum after you have been sectioned…
geesh did I really start this conversation…
sorry. if it is off thread
23rd May 2019 at 10:53 pm #79000
you have to be super mum when a court orders in place xx 🙂
24th May 2019 at 11:02 am #79012
totally spot on, totally diy.
I re-read some of your previous posts here and I think there is a lot in them actually, especially
about the previous era.
Sadly, my mum has dementia now. Quite badly. to the extent that even when she [phones from a distance she has no clue who I am…
yes, about court orders, the logistics alone of them – quite apart from the emotional stuff mean it is a sper human feat to navigate them at all, I agree
24th May 2019 at 2:24 pm #79029
Freedomtochoose and diymum, thank you so much for your posts, its so good to have others to chat to. Freedomtochoose, it does not sound odd at all. I totally know what you mean, when I had a child I felt the same, I did not want to be like how my mother was/still is to me and my siblings. Though she treats my siblings the same as me in some ways but not in others. I know what you mean when you say about your birth family and abusers family not having a good word to say about you but everyine outside of that like friends, school, officials etc see the good person you are. ive said the same to myself, if they like me and see me as a good person then I must be. Its my ex and mother who have the issue not me.
Freedomtochooose do not worry about posting about other thoughts, all are welcome :o)
Diymum you are right, I think my mother does not see me as my own person, she still tries to treat me like a child. She does not respect my decisions/choices as a person and as a parent. I dont think she will ever see this though due to who she is.
And court orders well I feel your pain!
24th May 2019 at 4:13 pm #79037
Practice self preservation. When you’re healthy, you can deal with the unhealthy x
24th May 2019 at 7:26 pm #79044
Yes I agree KIP; I think self preservation is very important. I need peace.
I saw the song Badass Woman mentioned somewhere on this forum recently. I looked it up and have added it to my playlists. Love the lyrics, great song, empowering!
24th May 2019 at 7:36 pm #79045
yes that was me, mentioning the song, helped me along too
24th May 2019 at 10:07 pm #79080
Freedom to choose I have been re reading this thread and thinking the same. The amount of understanding and support for each other is great. Thank you for the Badass Woman song, I had thought it was you that mentioned it but couldn’t find your post when I looked back. Music is an escape for me whatever my mood and when I am struggling with flashbacks or difficult times with my ex or my mother, I turn to my music. I have some songs that really help me too like Titanium, Ghost, Skyscraper, This Is Me, Fight Song among others.
Its horrendous that mental illness is used against survivors. I remember in court (detail removed by moderator). I was too scared that they would say i couldn’t look after my child. Yet there should be an understanding that when you have suffered abuse you need counselling/therapy etc to work through it and how it has affected you. It should be seen as a good thing that we are getting help.
Diymum i often wonder why my Mother is the way she is. I knew my Grandmother and I as very close to her and she was a very different person to my mother. my Grandfather died when i was young so dont remember much about him. Im not sure whether it is always down to how you are brought up, i think people have different mindsets and personalities. I think people can also be affected by experiences/things that happen to them as they are growing up and into adulthood.
24th May 2019 at 7:41 pm #79046
family have a habit off thinking because there is unconditional love involved they can treat us as the please. mother /daughter relationships are really hard to navigate sometimes there is rivalry, they expect you to be exactly the same as them in their thinking. i wonder how her mother treated your mum growing up and her dad? mothers are expected to be imperfect – look at the virgin mary. when we dont match up to that as a mother we are scolded (by society really)- not that i am sticking up for her behaviour towards you. apparently there are different types of mothers – the authoritarian, the permissive mum, the very guarded mother/unable to show emotion. as a mum her job is to moor you then teach you to go out into the world to be the best person you can possibly be – then to set you free to make your own decisions, to guide you when asked and also to let you make mistakes and come back to her unconditionally. if only it worked that way most of the time unfortunately it dosent, most mums dont know the role they should fulfill. i didnt have that either xx sometimes all we can do is take a step back and keep those boundaries firmly in place xx
24th May 2019 at 9:39 pm #79066
This thread is so thought-provoking, so caring and insightful, I’ve spent at least ten minutes staring at the blank screen box being very touched by what people are sharing.
I dont know if it triggered something, but I was reminded that my own mother was in a mental hospital when I was growing up. at that time they called asylums and after hearing DIY talking about her mum – I realised that it must have had an impact on me, the fact that she was absent, physically but also mentally during her treatment. I also have very vivid memories of going to see her when she was in there.
Years later, guess I found peace with it (and her) I hope – but maybe not entirely. What I found most difficult was when ex of course used the past as ammunition…
If I hadn’t had mental health issues before I met him – no surprises really that I certainly did afterwards. Having a baby is a challenging time I realise for women anyway and how some of us make it through when our partners are not supportive but the complete opposite, I will never know. In fact we do know that some of us don’t make it. Tragically.
When I first left, I spent a few years – basically on automatic pilot, not really knowing what had happened to me. I remember late one evening in refuge when my babes asleep trying to reconstruct a timeline of the past few years, (which I still have) – significant events, things that he did etc.
I know now that whole chunks of my life were somehow blanked out in my head. And really it is a good job they were.
What made it really difficlt though was the fear of my ex and the stigma. No way during that time could I have somehow afforded to say how I really felt, or broken down in court – or burst into tears etc. or even what I was experiencing on a day to day basis with everyday life…because my ex had already labelled me as ‘mentally ill and I was so frightened if I spoke about it I would lose my child. That is an awful position to be in, really, isn’t it?
When I think of my own mother, yes ,she had difficulties, but she also had a husband and a second income coming in to the house. Which I haven’t had bringing up my one.
So I was thinking about the bank holiday coming up. Last week with some help I finished my PIP appeal and sent it off. The person and organisation who hel[ed me were very com[assionate about mental health issues and although it was difficult to do, the final submission was really me, it was me how I am now, somehow owning it.
I still have many days when I wake up and think ‘my god, I’m still here’. Really I do. IS that weird.
Despite my mum’s failings, (and she had them)…I’ve somehow managed to borrow the good bits – I hope. I know this past year has been rocky. Really difficlt phase of an age for my child, we seem to be in a more peaceful phase now, I don’t know hwo that works exactly…
I do know on this journey as a mum there were lots of moments when – I struggled and thought (about mothering tasks…) no one taught me how to do this…and so I kind of had to learn…teach myself..
that’s my version of events anyway.
I like the buddhist thing about children being your teachers.
24th May 2019 at 9:57 pm #79074
you know FTC i cant blame my mum she was ill,like yours she had quite a severe ilness- so inherited from a second generation. there werw two things for me i resented her because i really needed her and i felt jealous when i saw my cousins mums taking their hand, soothing them bringing them treats to the play ground- i simply didnt under stand why i didnt get that – i felt unworthy very early on in my life. i then (once i was in an abusive relatinship felt like i was going crazy as we all do! and i became paranoid am i ill – i dont have what my mum has thats evident – she just couldnt show emotion at all – but on occasion i did get a small glimmer of her love when she was well and im thankful because i know deep down she really did love me xx
you sound like uve done a really good job keeping it together especially through the court process. i know what you mean the thought of being labelled as crazy is tenfold when all off this is already in the back ground and then abuse xx i will tell you sometjimg us survivors are very strong. ive gone off topic sorry guys x*x ,uch love diymum
24th May 2019 at 9:59 pm #79075
do you know what this taught me – when i see someone struggle i will alawys do my best to make them feel theyre not alone – i wouldnt wish that on anyone xx
24th May 2019 at 10:02 pm #79076
hey diy don’t think anyone minds, just important sometimes to write it down, eh?
that sounds very tough,
your mum being ill.
I try to think with mental illness it is only one factor amongst many that it will be inherited,
other factors are stress, etc…
hope you manage to get some sleep
24th May 2019 at 10:04 pm #79079
diy I know what you mean about what it taught you
I am the same now, that is something to be cherished, to be able
to understand what it feels like to suffer alone.
even though we didn’t choose that kind of ‘education’ we are out the other
end and still growing, still learning…which is great eh
24th May 2019 at 10:21 pm #79083
hi blueskies – your right we get given a script from our parents and whether we want to follow that and mimic them or choose another path is our own choice. often our concience and sense of what is right leads us down a very different path from our parents. i dont think we can change people though we can only do that for our own selves – show them we have boundaries and start to say no.you are probably better not responding or you could set your boundaries everytime she does this she will either listen and modify her behaviour or she wont. ohh its not easy is it x*x
24th May 2019 at 10:35 pm #79084
Thank you diymum. My mother wont change, no matter what i say or do, she just cannot understand where i am coming from for whatever reason. I know i cant change her but i can change what i do. ive set my boundaries which she is choosing to ignore so feel the best option now is just to not respond. ive tried and exhausted all the other options i could think of over the years.
It sounds like you had a tough childhood due to your mum’s mental illness. I am glad to hear that you did get a glimpse of her love at times and that you know deep down that she loved you.
24th May 2019 at 10:45 pm #79088
she only had to face her own husband threatening her on occasion with being sectioned?
Once i became a mum, this was a constant worry for me. Walking a fine line between trying to avoid the terrifying explosions meaning id have to shut the kids down and be shooing them outof te line of fire, and be unavailable to them, aswell as hovering on the edge of emotional and anxiety meltdown dealing with his goading gasligighting, and trying to placate his noise whenever it was bedtime and continually shouting and waking the kids.
I would go up and meet the tears and anger and apologise to them, which they understood to mean it was my fault.
I was too exhausted and anxius to be in any way a good mother, i was s**t, and i dont doubt, to them,controlling miserable shouty and unreasonable.
It breaks my heart…. I dreamt of so much more so much better for them.
He left me collapsed on the floor with toddlers,mustve been so scarey for them. I came to with my babies all sleeping round me. They have lived scared of others sleeping whilst they are awake.
I hate the mother i was and now so crippled with PTSD, he must be laughing his head off, and im full of triggers an live a half life.
A pathethic shadow of a mother. Angry kids who hate me!
Theres no winning.
24th May 2019 at 11:08 pm #79089
TS im sorry this is heart wrenching – please dont blame yourself i felt it was near on impossible with my first child to bring her up as i would have liked. she didnt see the physical violence but i know many children do. she did see the undermining and emotional abuse. when your coping with abuse to this degree and sheilding your kids you do what you can you protected them under extreme conditions. you naturally werent going to be able to stay calm and hide this type of fear and emotions from them. you did your best and we all know how so so difficult it is to escape a relationship like this. i am sure your children love you dearly they are angry because of how they saw you being treated – they also probably dont understand the dynamic in all of this- sometimes we as their mums are easier to blame for the abuse – as often happens to the layman out there. i get you im going through exactly the same with my girl too she is so very angry with me xxxx sending you hugs much love diymum xx
24th May 2019 at 11:50 pm #79090
Thats really kind thank you.
Yes, i do wonder about that too, the perhaps being the easy target.
So rough getting blame from all sides, plus knowing that you can’t do a good job yourself.
I really know why mothers leave their children, something i never thought i would be able to say.
Nothing more grotesque than having ss after you for suffering the efects of dv. Reported by WA.
How i havent been locked up as a result o him and made it this far is frankly beyond me andits not over yet.
Not sure it will ever be at this point.
It breaks my heart in bits that my children sufferred this way and i couldnt stop it. Helpless an hopeless, less use than an annoying fly. Yet its me theyre angry at. Sucks is all.
24th May 2019 at 11:52 pm #79091
…and it sucks to be my kids too 🙁
25th May 2019 at 12:31 am #79096
I heard, from a psychiatrist that runs a secure womens (mother’s) unit, that despite some of the worst psychosies this psychiatrist spoke oit about the priority these women give to their babies even under the worst of it.
Even events like post natal psychosis, and severe depressions.
They fight for their babies. It was very positive to see.
25th May 2019 at 8:08 am #79102
Nobody on here should accept blame or guilt for what they and their children went through. There’s only one person who carries that guilt. We were traumatised and in survival mode and everything we did was to survive, we did not have the luxury of rational thinking. When you know how trauma shuts down the rational thinking emotional processing side of the brain, leaving only the basic survival instincts, it makes everything much clearer. I find the psychology fascinating and so under reported. Nobody in a rational state of mind would stay with such dysfunction and violence. I for one take zero responsibility for that. Now I understand what happened to me I can work on improving my life. Knowledge is Power. I’ve asked to moderator to consider a forum topic of parental alienation, I think it’s something that needs much more exposure and support x let’s see what she thinks?
25th May 2019 at 9:23 am #79105
TS so sorry for what you went through. Our stories are all different.
In my case, my dad actually was a good man. And I’m not in denial about that, it was and is true, though he passed away now.
I am completely certain he did what he did in order to help us through, and remember later on in life, when the two were older, my mum and dad – and my day dying, I saw them behave like love struck teenagers, I had never, ever seen that surface throughout my childhood. I think they genuinely loved each other.
I saw something very different with my own (now ex husband)…as you will know from me sharing on here.
I honestly think he would have been quite happy if I had jumped off a bridge. As evil as I believe he is, (and was). I really don’t say that about people hardly ever, trying to see them as dealing with difficult circumstances. Not with my ex. He set out to exploit caring, compassionate people like me. I know that.
I also know that throughout history, women have been shunted off to institutions to silence them.
My ex, thank the goddess and as pointed out by women’s aid on numerious occasions – didn’t get what he wanted. Instead with help I stuck two fingers up to him. And we are still here, as are you ladies on here.
And fighting for joy. Wish you all all the best today. There is a special event going on here. I can’t share it now, but it is something I wouldn’t have foreseen in sixty million years.
But it is happening. I drew my angels blessings cards again this morning. It helps me.
25th May 2019 at 9:25 am #79106
well said KIP
think this idea for a topic is good, though a tough one, as many out there just turn the whole thing into victim blaming/mother blaming
25th May 2019 at 9:38 am #79107LisaMain Moderator
This is understandably an emotive topic to discuss; I appreciate you all being so considerate of each other.
It is natural to feel guilt towards one’s children, and so difficult not to, but as KIP rightly says the responsibility for the abuse and the effect it has on children lies with the perpetrator.
Thank you KIP for your suggestion for a forum, it has been noted for consideration.
Wishing you all some peace and sunshine today,
25th May 2019 at 10:37 am #79108IwantmebackParticipant
Hi ALL 💜 not having the internet at my finger tips is pretty rubbish. Looking into sorting it. Thank you @ftc for starting this thread. @DIY, my mum too had severe mental health problems, I’ve been the ‘mum’ since I was 12. She too couldn’t show emotions, maybe that’s why I don’t at times too, don’t take any pleasure in anything or am able to look forward to anything in the future. @ftc, I too saw that love my mum and dad had when she was dying. They were like teenagers, it was so lovely to see and i am honoured to have witnessed it.
My daughter won’t or can’t accept the abuse I went through, she can’t believe I couldn’t walkway from him, put them first. I try to explain but she shuts me down, makes me think I’m lying, then it makes me think did I know more, did I let him hurt them. I have a memory of my son being shouted at, looking so miserable and I felt glad it wasn’t me, then thinking that he’d be able to go and stay with his dad when he was 16, that he could get away from him. It never crossed my mind to leave him, not once. Not until last year did I think that. What is wrong with me? Was I so removed from feeling anything because of how my mum was with me(through no fault of hers) that I could think those thoughts. I remember us going shopping the weekend after that, how he bought my son new clothes, can’t remember if he bought me, but I remember thinking it felt like he was trying to ‘buy us’. And even after everything he’s put me through, me and mine, I’m still thinking of returning. Staying away is so hard. It’s going against the grain for me to do things at night, I am naturally a stay at home person, really don’t mind my own company. My flat is lovely, but the bedroom is on the main road, it’s so noisy.add in people going by late at night after the pubs are out!! In the living room, the noise of the traffic is peaceful, a low hum of noise.
Sorry evetyone ice kinda gone of on a tangent.
To reiterate, I agree this should be a thread we can all add to, discuss, put our experiences and thoughts across in. To keep it respectful and as loving as it’s coming across. We truly are grownups, there’s no egos here, it’s such a privilege to be part of this forum.
Moran taing (many thanks)
25th May 2019 at 10:55 am #79112
hello iwantmeback tough to be without the internet. We didn’t have internet for two years at least after we left, and I didn’t know about this forum then. Wish I had. as felt as if I was the only person in the world going through that.
I can’t claim the honour of starting this thread though.
It was Blueskies who had the brainwave and compassion.
thanks to you Blluekies and every other person on here. especially those who have borne with me in my deserate and (probably paranoid) moments….
25th May 2019 at 1:13 pm #79129
Hi ftc and Iwantmeback, yes I started the thread however it was for support as my mother has been emotionally abusive to me for years and it’s got to the point now where I’ve set boundaries which my mother is not taking any notice off and still persists in putting me down. It baffles me how she thinks that is going to work given that it hasn’t worked now for a long while since I set my boundaries. Since I realised that no matter what I do we will never have a normal relationship. I had been holding onto hope for years but finally I had to let this go. We were going through same cycles as always, I tried so hard but I realised I will never be enough. She will always want more. She has caused me so much hurt and upset over the years, everything is always my fault according to her. When it cones to my siblings it’s always me who should have done this and shouldn’t have done that etc according to her. I can’t do it anymore, I need to be able to be me and be accepted for who I am. I cannot be me around my mother, I have to try be who she wants me to be to avoid any hassle. It just got to much. She completely overrided a decision I made and had a go at me. I asked her to leave it and respect my decision but she wouldn’t drop it. She was rfight, I was wrong and she kept on and on as she wanted me to say that yes I agreed she was right which I would not do. I tried to explain but she wouldn’t have it. I said let’s just forget it and I wouldn’t discuss it. But she kept on having a go at me with messages and called me but I didn’t answer. Then called me again and left me a voicemail to call her. I did and it was still the same and I said to her can’t do this anymore, it’s not healthy for either of us. We need to have no contact except for her to maintain level of contact with my child as I wouldn’t stop that if my child wants it. She still has a go at me and still says I’m wrong etc etc and then she says that she is suicidal because of me and she hopes I’ll be glad when she’s gone. Somehow i managed to say to her that she needs to get some help. I said I care about you and hope your ok but I can’t do this anymore. I need to be able to eme, I just want to get on with my life, told her to take care. I told my sibling to make sure she was alright and get her help. My sibling said it was my fault and once again they were left to pick up the pieces. I e always been there when my siblings need me and when my mother has needed me in the past when she’s been poorly etc but they seem to forget that. Also I know it’s not my fault my mother is suicidal. That was too much for me. Self preservation is needed now. My mother has still kept on putting me down in messages from time to time as I won’t do what she wants and won’t agree with her and asked her once again to stop messaging and having a go at me. So then I get the letter. She twists everything and puts me dien throughout the whole letter and says again I’m affecting her health. So much more to it but think I’ve rambled on enough, sorry!
25th May 2019 at 1:44 pm #79130
self preservation is indeed key it sounds like. No need to apologise for ‘ranting’ does us good sometimes…
25th May 2019 at 2:37 pm #79139
i hope you dont mind me saying but your mum does sound very controlling we see lots of these tactics on here alot like rolling over and playing the victim ie saying shes suicidal. then she gets all your siblings on side your the baddy all because you didnt comply to her demands xx your siblings can see it but your mum is triangulating the family unit. its called divide and rule – she gets them on side by smearing your name she gets back up for her opinions and then she has more force. no one would put their kids intentionally through this – telling them theyre suicidal – if they truely were they would do it. she is probably making out to your siblings this is a ry for help its not its tactics buly ones xxxx love diymum
25th May 2019 at 2:40 pm #79140
cant see it sorry your mum is manipulating them and punishing you basically xx
25th May 2019 at 3:09 pm #79150
Diymum, thank you, I needed to hear that. I think the same but I still have doubts at times that maybe I’m wrong. My one sibling doesn’t speak to me anymore. My sibling doesn’t see anything past my Mother and what what my mother tells them. They have lived at home with our mother all their life and still live there. I said to them I’m sorry you see things how you do, maybe one day you will see things differently and left it at that. They had come to stay with me to see my child and me apparently but they hardly spoke to me and even ignored me at times. We were with other family at one point and they happily chatted with them. I felt isolated and like a stranger in my own home! My other sibling and i didn’t see eye to eye about something but we don’t at times as is normal with siblings. But seems said sibling told my mum and our other sibling who blew it all out of proportion and both of them have had a go at me about it, told me what I was wrong and I should have done this not that etc. Jeez! It was something little and there was absolutely no insight from any of them into my feelings or my thoughts! It’s like I don’t count. I can’t do it anymore.
25th May 2019 at 3:15 pm #79151
so some of your siblings unfortunately will be identifying with her – you see staying on side with her is easier and she will be rewarding them for that. your mum is alienating your siblings to a degree its horrible but happens alot in families it sounds like your her scape goat yur so right to keep your distance – im the scape goat in my past relationship everything was put on me all the blame all the shame so i cut ties xx love diymum
25th May 2019 at 3:16 pm #79152
i cut ties with my eldest xx
25th May 2019 at 3:24 pm #79155
It’s so horrible isn’t it but I know your right. My mum has favoured my one sibling for years, she would say not but it’s obvious in the things she does and says. My other sibling seems to majority of time be the golden child. It’s only because said sibling often just agrees with her and stirs the pot to please her, for an easy life. But other times they can’t hack it but they then have a go at our mum, and they are in bad books. They come to me and moan about how she is as they can’t cope with it. But more recently they are back to golden child as my mum is clearly trying to get my siblings to side with her and they can do no wrong whatever they do.
I’m so sorry that you have been through similar and have had to cut ties with your eldest, that must have been incredibly tough.
25th May 2019 at 3:30 pm #79157
it was but i was so smeared by her father (he told her i had an affaar etc,i was the abusive one) all not true. she believes i have acted out of ‘immaturity’ in this and she believes it was my fault for everthing that happened in the break of me and her dad. she feels sorry for him he rolls over and plays the victim – he tells her if you go doen there to play happy families with ‘them i will never speak to you again xx kind of what your going through but in reverse and differnt family members xx we do hat we have to do we can lead a horse to water but we cant make it drink or understnad sometimes xxxx love diymum
25th May 2019 at 3:32 pm #79158
Thank you for your wishes and thoughts lovelies.
A separate forum topic is a great idea so mums can discuss their tragicmothwring experiences during abuse, and keep on knowing it was him that ties our hands that brought abuse to the home and family.
Vital also is learning and sharing ways to help our children, how to tak to them through it allhow to manage the acting out thy do as a result of the abuse, and where to find help and support (other than the amazing stuff here of coirse)
25th May 2019 at 3:34 pm #79160
i think that would be really helpfull – im not sure where to start TS – but its the one thing for me that hurts the most xx much love diymum
26th May 2019 at 7:43 pm #79254lover of no contactParticipant
Blueskies, sounds like your mum is an abuser and your siblings have chosen the flying monkey role as its easier to side with her than not. I would really mind yourself in this situation.
I remember my mum (she is an abuser) smearing my dad and trying to manipulate me against him (I was a pre-teen). Even as she was saying the things about him in my young head I knew they were lies and I could see what she was up to. I firmly didn’t align with her. My brother , she did the same to. He joined her side and would start being horrible to my dad (the nicest, kindest, cleverest, gentlest,outgoing) person. My brother wasn’t strong enough in his personality at the young age to not join her knowing he’s be a target then.
At work I have a bully boss and most of the small work-force have aligned themselves with the bully boss and a few other bully work-colleagues. Its a rare quality to have the strength knowing you will be bullied and life made a misery if you don’t join the bullies. Not many people have that strength. You do have that strength as do I and we have suffered as a result but at least we haven’t intentionally hurt others on the spoken or unspoken cue of a bully.
I survive in my work-place by going minimum contact with my work-colleagues without it being obvious. You could try that with your family. Try and lessen the contact over the year without it being obvious or limit visits in length and frequency. My mother-in-law sent me a letter where after reading the first line’I want you to stop hurting my son..’ luckily I chose not to read further and tore the letter up. I’d not read anything your mother writes again that way you take back the control. You can’t control what comes out of your mother’s pen/mouth but you can control whether you read/listen to it or not.
Keep posting. This is very tough for you to go through.
27th May 2019 at 10:51 am #79306
Lover of no contact, oh my goodness, I could have written what you have written about your mum smearing your Dad right from when I was a pre-teen and she carried on for years. I didn’t believe her and kept seeing my dad and calling him when I could. I used to go out to a payphone to call him in secret as too difficult to speak to him at home and I couldn’t be dealing with the hassle from her. My one sibling was younger and believed her and was horrible to my dad over the years. Now said sibling does speak/message him if he contacts first but funnily enough it’s around the same time my mum has been nicer to him and spoke to him. But I’m sure my mum is only speaking to my dad and being nice about him as she’s trying to use him for her own gain ie to try to get him to side with her against me.My other sibling is fine with my dad and always has been but I mentioned above that in her eyes said sibling is the golden child, no matter what they do, in her eyes they can do no wrong. But my sibling lets her believe that they agrees with her whether they or not as they can’t handle her, they dont have the strength and they don’t understand what she doEs.
27th May 2019 at 11:00 am #79307
I set my boundaries quite some time ago of limited contact and have reiterated them again recently as my mum keeps on. It’s time to make them stricter. Self preservation is key. I know my mum is totally fine, she just can’t handle not being in control. How are things with your mum now?
27th May 2019 at 11:11 am #79308
Hi blue skies, I got a brief email from my mum recently about some unrelated matter with a twisted meaning. I think they just contact us to try to hook us back in when we don’t respond to their nonsense. So just be wary of anything that will try and draw you back in. I’m definitely keeping my distance from both my mother and the main flying monkey. I don’t have the headspace to deal with pointless drama x
27th May 2019 at 2:23 pm #79331
Hi KIP, yes I didn’t think about that but I think your right, she’s trying to hook me back in. I’m doing my hardest not to get draw back in but it’s so hard isn’t it. You start to doubt yourself and think maybe if I did such and such it would be ok this time and be more peaceful. But that thought doesn’t last long as I tell myself, no you’ve been here so many times before, it’s always the same and it gets worse, keep going, your strong and can do this. no response is best and only way and I’ve just got to keep telling myself rhis. I can’t go back into how it was, just too much. I need to be me, I need peace and to get on with my life. I’m not sure she will ever let it go but I can. Thank you KIP.
27th May 2019 at 2:44 pm #79333
Yes you’re right. I stupidly replied to her. Now I have silence for a while. I think she’s waiting on me contacting her. I do feel a little guilty as she’s an old lady my sister says and I should just ignore her nasty emails. But then they only keep coming. I’m on edge today. My phone has rung 6 times. Every time I block the number it rings on another number. It’s scammers pretending to be from talktalk. It’s making me anxious. I had to block my ex so this nonsense from my mum comes at a bad time.
28th May 2019 at 9:07 am #79413
Hi KIP, how are you doing today? It is hard not to reply when you receive such things, when im struggling with the desire to reply and defend myself, I tell myself dont, that’s what they want, dont give them the satisfaction. I know what you mean about unknown callers, that used to trigger me badly. It does on occasion now still depending on what is happening with the ex as him and his family used to call me on unknown numbers. I am glad that the tapping is helping you.
27th May 2019 at 5:47 pm #79350
it can be triggering and trying to explain triggers i find and this is with very close family – i cant find a way to explain how i feel in a rational way because i try to avoid thinking about them as it makes me worse!! how do you put triggering into words from your own experience? im sure if they new what they were doing was causing this very extreme reaction they wouldnt do it xx much love diy
sending you my support kip hope your ok now xxxx
27th May 2019 at 5:50 pm #79351
and also when ive said this is triggering me my experience has been eye rolling xx so now i dont tend to say
27th May 2019 at 5:53 pm #79352
Hi diy, I told my mum that the picture she was displaying of my ex was upsetting me. She walked over and slammed it upside down like it was my fault. The pic disappears for a couple months. Now it’s back. I couldn’t have said it clearer. My therapist thinks I married my mother lol. Just a little on edge. I found a YouTube video on EFT to reduce anxiety and it’s very good. Tapping on meridian lines. Who knew 🤔
27th May 2019 at 6:23 pm #79354
i will have a look at all of that because i need to deal with my anxiety better xx i know she just dosent get it then does she or is the therapist saying shes a wee bit controlling? hope you dont mind me asking that xx tomorrow is an other day and hopefully be more settled- i feel for you because i know how awful this feels sending you a big virtual hug much love to you KIP
27th May 2019 at 6:38 pm #79357
Hey, big 🤗 hug right back! My therapist thinks she’s very controlling. My sisters have always said this about her but I was always the favourite child and wasn’t targeted so it’s only now that I can recognise her behaviour. The rest of them won’t stand upto her. Now I see why lol.
27th May 2019 at 6:44 pm #79361
its so weird isnt it – its like peices of a jigsaw – i realised something on here yesterday about how my ex learned to trianugulate his mum had turned his whole family on his dad – thye bullied him something awful and i always just thought they were dysfunctional never realised. he learned his behaviour from his mum i used to think the dad xx until yesterday the penny dropped.
so your mum is hmm wonder why she chooses to behave like that – that whole other matter isnt it? are you ok? x*x
27th May 2019 at 9:27 pm #79391
Yep thanks diy, I’m okay. I think my mum has always been pretty cruel to my dad who is a wonderful placid hard working man. Never had a days sickness in his life. Caught pneumonia, went to hospital and eight days later she stuck him in a care home. As kids We came home from school and she had given our dog away. I think now my dad is not about to take the brunt she’s firing at anyone she can. Well not me.
28th May 2019 at 9:31 am #79416
they say sometimes depending on how our parents were brought up they can turn out very black and white. again thats a defense mechanism – to easily dispose of people isnt any way to be. i sometimes wish my eyes werent so wide open because this behaviour seems to be all around us. i find that quite scarey but like you (strong lady) i wont tolerate it xxxx much love diymum
28th May 2019 at 10:12 am #79420
Just found out from another source my mum is in hospital. She was taken in this weekend. The flying monkey cut me right out the loop. Just confirms what I was thinking. I can only assume she thinks it’s not bad enough to let me know. This other source is complaining she’s been running round all weekend because of it. So tired of the whole thing.
28th May 2019 at 6:06 pm #79445
I’m sorry to hear you have not been told by your Mum herself or a sibling that your Mum is in hospital. Maybe she has deliberately not told you so you will get in touch with her when you do find out. My mum did something similar to me. She had decided to stop speaking to me (as apparently what had happened with my sibling at the time was my fault even though it was nothing to do with me, my sibling is responsible for their own actions so how what they did or didn’t do can be my fault who knows) anyway a close relative who I was very close to was poorly and she didn’t bother to call and tell me till they were really poorly! Luckily it wasn’t too late! I just feel like they play mind games with us. I don’t have the energy for it either anymore.
Do what you need to do for you to manage. If it was serious I’d like to think that your family would contact you.
28th May 2019 at 6:32 pm #79448
My mum has been in hospital a few times and I’m always included in the visiting rota and collecting clothes and medicine etc which I’m happy to do. This is a complete turn around. Yes, I’m too tired to play these games anymore. It’s their decision not to let me know this time. I’ve learned not get involved in other people’s behaviour. That’s on them. This is what happens when you say no to a bully. To be honest I’m enjoying the peace n quiet. If she wants to do all the running after our mum. That’s fine by me lol. I think she just shot herself in the foot 🤔
3rd June 2019 at 8:35 am #79860
KIP, Yes I think they haven’t really helped themselves here by excluding you. Good on you for staying strong and turning it into a positive for you. I hope your peace continues. When my Mum has been ill I’ve been called straightaway and I’ve always done what I can to help as no matter what I do care. when I’m too far away to physically be there, my sibling isn’t happy when they have to manage it. Even as far as complaining as they had been out all day, that they needed this and that etc yet waiting at hospital with my mother. I couldn’t believe they were thinking of themselves when our mother was in A and E.
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