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Famity and friends know what my husband is like. Social services have been involved after I asked Police for help last summer. I wasn’t coping with my depression and got upset during a phone call one evening . Next thing I knew I was parked several miles away down a country lane in the early hours of the morning. The social workers said he was emotionaly abusing me yet when I mentioned this to my family they disagreed and just said he was a just an idiot. If he is, it’s very subtle. Money is tight so until 2 weeks ago he did shopping so I didn’t overspend. I have lost interest in cooking healthily and piled the weight on over the years as he insists we spend no more than £60 a week on the 6 of us. I have my own business which has been a lifesaver as it’s made me happy and given me the confidence to look at my life afresh. He says our problems started when I got the shop but forgets I was too depressed to do much at all except be a good Mum to our 4 kids. It only seems to be a problem now I am speaking up for myself. He struggles to cope with the kids when I work on a Saturday, just yells at the kids and my eldest has said he has hit number 2 who has Aspergers. I am certain husband has ASD too but he refuses to get tested even though we would get more support and it would help him to understand his and our dons behaviour. Boys behaviour is much better now I can cope better and he gets so upset when I am upset. I am now convinced much of his bad behaviour is copied from his Dad. I have tried to tell husband I want a divorce/move out but he just won’t listen. I gave him till 1st March and one condition was he book onto relate buy despite telling social worker he would go he now refuses saying he don’t want to be harangued like she did. He said he doesn’t want to be told it’s all his fault. I can now see that going on my own first may be best so have extended deadline till 1st April to give us a chance to try. Hope when he sees me going he will see sense. Mother in law also a problem. She says I am a bad mother going to work on a Saturday. She has to hep him on a Sat as it’s too much for him. Husband is a perfect son. He would have been better off with amother wife. I need to lose weight. I will never lose weight. After my 4th miscarriage she said that just cos she coped with 4 kids it didn’t mean that I could. Husband stays quiet when things are being said. He only says anything to her when I am emotionaly incapable of coping and am a tearful wreck. Even then he does it in a way I can’t hear so dread to think what the conversation is actually like and what they say about me. Nothing gets done by him since I started work as he can’t do it with kidd around yet I cope so much better with the housework as the shop seems to energise me. I am not going church today as I know Mother in law will say something about kids behaviour only like it cos I am there if they put a foot out of line. So many other things like not having full access to my own computer as he has set administration passwords so I can’t install anything he thinks inappropriate. So many little things but is it abuse?
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Hello browneyedgirl and welcome.
You asked whether this is abuse so you’ve clearly considered it yourself.
It is. Your post shows lots of examples of emotional abuse and financial abuse too. He is trying to control you and prevent access to things you need such as computer.
If the rest of family have gone to church take this opportunity to phone the help line and talk they may be busy just keep ringing or if possible leave a message for them to ring you -give times when it’s safe.
Sory can’t write more now but we’re here for you x*x -
Hi, browneyedgirl, yes, you are being abused. You deserve so much better.
If you can, get the mother in law out of your life together with him.
Work is essential for us to feel empowered and self confident.
I hope you will make the changes and slowly begin to stand on your own feet.
If you feel in danger do not hesitate to call the police.
I wish you strength and perseverance. Keep posting. x*x -
My Mum rang me this morning. I was in tears. I had texted saying I am at the end of my tether. She said I should have just booked into Relate when advised to by social worker. Maybe I should, whatever happens now I realise my parents just want me to fight for this marriage till it puts me in my grave. They know it’s one sided but they say I still need to carry on fighting. I told mother in law he has backed out of getting any further help and she just sat on the fence, saying she didn’t want to interfere (yet normally she can’t wait to stick her oar in) and all she could say was we should get a cleaner. I began to go with it, even felt if both sets of parents think I should fight more maybe I should. Then he rejected the idea of a cleaner saying I need to get the kids to help more. He has tried to be nice to me tonight but I just feel dead inside. I can’t help feeling that if I was dead, none of this would matter, all the upset, hurt, tears and my panics would all go away. Everyone would be so much better off without me if I am the one who has to keep improving. Social services said I was a great Mum but I can’t see a way out of this without leaving them so what does that really make me
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Hi there,
Believe what your gut is telling you, that you are being abused.
Firstly by him, financially controlling you and bring emotionally unsupportive – and I know the heart in mouth feeling of going to work, not trusting that your own husband will treat your kids correctly in your absence…
Secondly, his mother. The put downs, the impossibly high standards for you to try to reach, the commenting on things that are none of her business and this transgressing boundaries..
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