My partner is a victim of sex abuse but now emotionally abuses me

[AbbeyRoad]

Hello, I am new to this forum, but not new to receiving abuse.My abuse started (detail removed by moderator), there were some previous moments on reflection but not enough for us to stop seeing each other. My boyfriend moved in with me, a few years ago his mood went erratic, it ended up threatening and I said we were over and he had to leave. With this he broke down and sobbed (detail removed by moderator) and told me of his sex abuse and that (detail removed by moderator) he had felt that he should report it to the police. Loving me meant he was now aware of how wrong that was. So of course I stood by him, but the mood swings have carried on, like telling me now gives him an excuse. He is however suicidal at times, then he’ll go the opposite in the blink of an eye and get mad angry and thrown things at me off, throw things (detail removed by moderator). He’ll calm down and I am thinking thats it, its over and I walk in the room and he’s got a knife to his wrists as he’s so upset with what he’s doing to me so I support him again. It’s never ending cycle. (detail removed by moderator). He said he wanted me to help him, bring some peace of mind to this. So I am and I have him in touch with the Survivors charity to help him, So now each week he is reminded of it as a solicitor needs to ask questions, the charity, he police etc. and his mood swings each time and I have now been in a constant stream of emotional abuse that has no let up…but of course i need to understand what he’s going through..
What I am confused about is, if i say we’re over and ask him to leave, he will kill himself, I can say this strongly as he hasn’t said it I just know how close to the edge he is. I am the one thing holding him together and I am the one who pushed him to find closure on this. Yet to do so I am taking again and again the abuse, being locked out of my own flat, public humiliation, screaming at me for..(detail removed by moderator) breathing too loud. It is as they say walking on egg shells.
Anyone else had to support a partner through their horrid past and yet found themselves in an abusive relationship? What do you do?

 

 

 

 

[Sleepy]

Thinking of you in the horrendous situation. So glad you partner is getting help and support and it will be a rocky road for him, for a while probably. I’m guessing here that he’s probably not sure of how to have a normal loving relationship if he’s been abused himself. I guess that could be something you work out together. However, abuse is wrong whoever it’s coming from, so even if he’s been abused that shouldn’t mean you tolerate abuse from him. Could you continue to support him whilst being in a different house, explain it’s not an end to the relationship but you need to lay a few boundaries down about how you should be treated, and you both may need the space to figure things out.

[AbbeyRoad]

Thanks for your reply, thats not a bad idea. I do think he’ll see it as the end to our relationship, but I think I am about there at the end anyway. I love him for the glimmer of the nice person he can be but when he doesn’t control the other part or refuses help for that part which he did this week by rejecting counselling from Survivors, then I am left to take his abuse and right now its constant. This week I am exhausted, mentally drained and have slept so much and tried to work from home but found it hard to concentrate and feel like I’m on the outside looking in on my life. I’ve had counselling myself to support myself and him and all they said is you have to leave him and that always felt too final but maybe like you said there’s a 1/2 way leaving option. thank you

[Sleepy]

That’s ok. It’s a tough situation. I have sympathy for both of you. Hope things work out.

[Camel]

Hi AbbeyRoad

This is an awful situation for you. You’re a lovely, caring human being who has been coerced into taking responsibility for your partner’s mental well-being. You didn’t push him into getting help. He begged you to help him – and isn’t it interesting that he waited until you’d reached the end of your tether before he made the big revelation? Isn’t it also interesting that he said it was him ‘loving you’ that prompted him to tell all – not your loving him? It was emotional blackmail, kept up his sleeve to be used when it suited him.

It’s also revealing that he threatens suicide when he’s upset you. This is more controlling behaviour. It forces you to pretend you’re OK with the abuse. Because what else could a normal, caring person do when faced with that? Does he threaten suicide because he ‘can’t cope’ with memories of the abuse he suffered? That would be more natural. Instead he deals with that by lashing out at the one person he claims to love. (And by the way, throwing things at you is physical abuse.)

He may or may not be suicidal. My gut says not, particularly as he sits patiently in another room, waiting for you to ‘discover’ him with a knife. Either way, you’re not equipped to deal with this. If he threatens suicide again, call the police. They come out straight away for these incidents.

You talk of his ‘mood swings’ but it doesn’t sound like his moods ever swing back to normal. He hasn’t been normal for a very long time and yes, he’s using his abuse as justification for everything he dishes out to you. It’s simply not acceptable. You need to get him removed from your home. It may seem easier to say it’s not the end of the relationship but better to be truthful, don’t you think? Because being at a different address won’t stop his calls and unannounced visits and threats of suicide. These are likely to happen whether you’re still a couple or not. But much easier to deal with if the boundaries are clear, in your mind at least.

I imagine getting him to go will not be easy. You don’t mention whether he manages to hold down a job and is therefore in a position to support himself. Does he have family he can go to? Or friends? Can you give him a short deadline (a week or two) to sort out somewhere to go? Maybe go away while he does this, so you don’t have to be subjected to his attempts to talk you round? Or would you expect him to smash the place up and destroy your things?

Instruct his counsellor, solicitor and the police dealing with his case to remove you as a contact.

Speak to your own counsellor about your plans before you tell him anything. Take all her advice on safety. Consider informing the police of your situation and have them on standby if he continues to be difficult.

I say all this because I don’t believe you love this man. You’re scared of him, of what he does to you and what he threatens to do to himself.

I don’t agree with Sleepy’s point of view (no offence Sleepy) that you both need space to ‘figure things out’. Abusers have zero incentive to figure things out. They leave all the effort of figuring things out to their victims. You know what I mean, you see it every day.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you do it safely and with support.

(Sorry if I’ve gone on a bit x )

[Hazydayz]

Well done! Camel your analysis if this type…is so right! 💞

[AbbeyRoad]

Thank you for this, it is really helpful. It’s strange, if my friend told me my situation as if it was theirs I would have very defined responses for her to get out the relationship, protect herself etc. Yet when it’s happening to you, you can’t see it clearly and or excuse away the problems. I agree with everything you have said and reading it makes you realise and see it in black and white. He is in a job and earning nice money, enough to support himself and I called his friends last week and told them a bit about it and they said they would look out for him. So I know deep down he will be ok. The thing I struggle with is how I have let him down, couldn’t help him get the help he needs and I imagine what a wonderful man he would be if he could find peace and I couldn’t give that to him. However like you said its about me and what I need and the relationship is now all on his terms. Thank you or taking the time to write to me, and no you didn’t go on too long. Thank you

[Hazydayz]

Hello Abbey road. I am replying to you, because I can identify with you. I’m sorry for the situation you are in as I am for me too. It’s just a nightmare isn’t it! I will tell you, I foolishly married my abuser! Which I very much regret &; after all that I endured it has broken me almost! A little under a decade later, this is my account, starting with… My husband was physically &; emotionally abused by both his parents as well as being sexually abused by a relation &; raped (removed by moderator). So yes! A lot of sympathy support maybe? But he never sought Councelling himself? It was initiated by me in the mid era of our marriage. Do you know?…it actually brought out the more physical abuse towards me! Throwing chairs &; tables in my direction, TV controls at my face from across the room, are just some of the Moments I could mention. Like you I though I owed it to him because I loved him? He loved me? To stick by him? Because of everything he had been through! & Because nobody else cared about him! I know why! &; that was a mistake I made, I realised in time, &; now…well, I’m left needing Councelling myself! I have been completely traumatised by him! Mentally, Emotionally, Physically &; it feels like… sexually! His actions of taking a knife to his wrists, strangely? (But I know why now!) Stopped, right after we got married! I would advise you that Camel here, is absolutely on the ball! With her analysis. Well done Camel!! I’m with you!!! Get out of this situation fast🚀 best of luck to you x

[Hazydayz]

Replied to you 💞

[AbbeyRoad]

Thank you for your help and understanding its so strange to find yourself here. Helping someone who is so desperate to want normality, who could be such a lovely man and yet ruined by the abuser and then you feel like you can help but they don’t want it.There’s some comfort for them in knowing what they are like and what caused them to not be responsible for their own actions..but yet they are. Yes we become a victim too. I thank you for your comments and I hope to absorb them and act on them. x

[Camel]

Hi AbbeyRoad

Imagine five years down the line and he’s finally sorted himself out – court case resolved one way or the other and lots of counselling.

There’s no reason why you couldn’t get together again at this point, assuming you are both willing.

But imagine sticking around during those five years and all the trauma that would undoubtedly fill every single day.

You are NOT his carer, therapist, mother. You are his partner and deserve way more respect and consideration than he’s willing to give you. I bet that he manages to control his rages at his well paid job and with his friends. I don’t expect for a minute that they suspect he’s anything other than the charming man they deal with every day.

You have done more than you need to in getting him the help he needs. He shouldn’t have had to be cajoled. He should have sought it out himself, the moment he saw the effect his behaviour was having on you.

[Author]

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