My partner is turning my kid’s against me

[Kazz]

Hi, I’m currently still in the same house as my husband and kids while the divorce is going through it has been nearly (detail removed by moderator) years since I filed for divorce. My solicitor told me stay put and my husband won’t leave.
He in turn has spent the last (detail removed by moderator) years taking over my children. The last two Christmas’s he took them away for (detail removed by moderator) weeks I spent the (detail removed by moderator) alone before my younger son left he hugged me and said he was going to miss me. When he was away he sent me a message saying he doesn’t miss me, he hates me and don’t contact him. It was heart breaking.
My older son walks out of the room if I walk in he’s not even a teenager yet. If I say anything and try and talk to him he gets angry.
I still do everything for them in terms of cooking, cleaning, washing and everything else that involves looking after a child but the older one in particular doesn’t like me going anywhere near him or speaking to him unless he wants something.
My husband follows them both around all day which ever room they go in he is there, if they happen to be in a room with me he runs in and starts talking to them or calls them to do something with him and then asks them what they were doing with me. I use to put them to bed and he would shout at me for being in their room one minute pass their bed time so I stopped within (detail removed by moderator) days he was in there every night hours passed their bedtime. He even bought them a projector and started watching films every night with them until all hours. If I go to put them to bed now they say they want their dad to put them down.
I am no longer allowed to do anything with them I use to take them to their sports lesson he told the coach last year to contact him in future and he took over and started taking them, if I do their homework with them he makes then do it again with him so they obviously don’t want to do it with me. He went to the school and told them to email all correspondence to him as well.
He says when the divorce comes through and we go our separate ways he wants to see the kids everyday and is not willing to negotiate even though I am willing to be fair.
I am frightened he is going to take my children away from me. I know he’s brain washed them and they are probably afraid but part of me thinks why can’t they stand up for me , I couldn’t have been a better a mum there is nothing I didn’t do for them. People say when they grow up they will realise that you mean to them but if I wait for that possibility I will lose out on so much precious time with them. I am too old to meet anyone and have any more kids they are the only ones I’ll ever have.
I spend most of my time alone in my room. When I suggest doing something with them they say,”No.”. How can I possibly live a life without my children? It’s come to a point where I wonder whether it’s worth it, I finally found the courage to leave this bully who controlled my every breath and the price I had to pay was the most precious things in my life.

[Anonymous]

This is heartbreaking……..so sorry, yuch. But just reading this, it’s so very clear to me that there is abuse involved here regarding him to your children. Not sure what it’s all made up of but for one yes, he is brainwashing them and yes, he is using big time manipulative and control tactics and most likely they are quite scared of him so they do what he says. Easier on them that way. Do you suspect any sexual abuse at all? Hate to outright ask that but something doesn’t sit right here with me regarding what I am hearing…

You might need a new solicitor. But you definitely need to bring all this to the attention of the authorities because this isn’t right. And they have rights and you do, too. He is running this show here and that rug needs to be pulled out from under him. Have you talked to DV about it? How old are your children, approx.?

You have to continue to fight for them. Their minds are very impressionable and males deal with abuse differently than females do. You have to shift the power here because right now, he’s just lording it over you that you have no choice and no hope. He knows how he’s hurting you and the kids. Not okay. He’s using your children against you and they are following the path of least resistance because he’s holding them hostage. He’s also afraid that you are going to find out something, thus the reason why he follows them around like a prison guard….

[iliketea]

@Kazz I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds like a complete nightmare to be living through. Parental alienation is on its way to being fully recognised in the new domestic abuse bill in the UK, but it isn’t fully yet in law. However, Parental alienation is now accepted by the UK Court system including Cafcass as serious emotional abuse of children and thus needs to be remedied in their best interests. Parental Alienation is basically a form of child abuse. NSPCC led the campaign for it to be recognised in law.

SO, my first thoughts, and I’m not an expert, is to contact school and discuss it with their Safeguarding lead.
Secondly see your GP, or a trusted female member of your local practice if yours isn’t a man. Discuss it with them honestly and openly, how it is affecting you and your sons, and ask for a referral to the domestic abuse service. This is domestic abuse.
Thirdly, contact a good female family law solicitor. Find someone who has experience in parental alienation and domestic abuse. You definitely need this to be highlighted before the divorce goes through. You will be facing a child custody battle by the sounds of it so now is the time to get your evidence, start writing a diary of what he does, every day. Record him doing what he does, saying what he says. However small or insignificant you think it is write it down. Everything is an indicator and a clue, and evidence to the outside world.

Finally, would you consider an Occupation Order and a Non-Molestation order application? This is not healthy for your children. I think it would be considered under Section 1 of the Children’s Act which considers the effects on the children. He needs to leave the home. He is being incredibly manipulative and cruel to your sons and you. To put your mind at rest, he cannot take your children away from you. There are laws, you have rights as their mother. This is abusive. To you. To the children. Please think seriously about reporting it. It sounds like you have some fight left in you, please dig deep for your children, and for you.

Im sending you so much strength too. I am experiencing the beginnings of this behaviour, Lockdown is giving abusers new weapons to abuse. I’ve researched it a bit this past couple of weeks. I hope someone else with much more experience and knowledge than me will reply to you too.
Stay strong. This will end. Everything passes in the end. It will be ok, you will be ok, and you won’t lose your children. xx

[Anonymous]

Look up childprotectionresource

[Anonymous]

Serious Crime Act 2015

[Kazz]

Thank you so much for your responses they have given me some hope. I have thought about the molestering but don’t think he is I think it’s all about controlling them now he has lost control of me and also about torturing me for daring to want to leave.
It’s unfortunate we are in these current circumstances with lockdown my Surgery is only offering telephone appointments but I think I need to see someone face to face. I did go to see my GP when I started divorce proceedings the councillor sent me there, the GP was really nice but said I just need to get out of the situation as soon as I can. At this point he wasn’t hounding the kids like he has been. I will go and see her as soon as they restart appointments.
I am afraid to get him thrown out because I know the kids will hate me for it they adore him and will blame me for taking their father away from them so I’m stuck.
I do need to find a good solicitor with experience in this area but don’t know how to word of mouth is usually how you find someone good but I don’t know many people, on the websites everyone says they are good!
I will research the information you have given me and just live in hope that I get my children back one day. Thank you.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Kazz,

Loving the advice you have already been given and glad it has helped already.

Due to protecting identities and situations on here many things get redacted. I don’t know how old your children are and you won’t be able to say, but there is a really unhealthy relationship with the children here that is being encouraged and acted upon by your abuser, both towards you AND the children. Children will often go along with a parent they are in fear of in order to appease them and also it may earn them rewards in some way for behaving in such a way. Abusers are often very much of a patriarchal society and believe that the ‘men’ are the rulers of the household and women are there for their needs. This is what your children are learning, and the younger they are the more concerning it is as this will become their learned behaviour that they will believe is the right way to behave in future life.

Many divorce solicitors will advise a lady to remain in the marital home with her children for financial reasons. Often the lady will be able to remain in the family home with the children until they get to a certain age and the husband will be the one to leave, the house may then get sold in the future. The idea is that the children’s home life remains ‘stable’. However, many divorce solicitors are not well trained in Domestic Abuse. Your solicitor will be thinking about ‘money’ and getting you the best financial deal, and that is by telling you to stay put. If you were to leave, then it may be harder to get him out of the house and you back in it, so they think the best thing for you is to not leave.

The Occupation Order is something worse pursuing. This is an order that can be applied for to the court to direct your abuser to leave the house, giving you the right to occupy it. If he returns it is a breach of a court order and he can be arrested. Often a Non Molestation Order can be applied for with it.

If your solicitor offers to apply for a Non Molestation Order with conditions to be put in place with you both still remaining at the house together please do not accept it. These are worthless orders and virtually impossible to enforce and are a waste of money. The way they can be breached actually empowers the abuser and makes the victim even more fragile. I can give several examples of these failings should you need them to see why they don’t work. I’ve had several ‘discussions’ with solicitors about them and they have come round to my way of thinking. They are only any good if someone is good enough to abide by it. As we know, abusers do not abide by rules and will manipulate everything to their advantage. Non Mol Orders whilst living together create a real power imbalance in the favour of the abuser. Non Mol Orders when the abuser is not living at the same address are worth having, I’m not dismissing them entirely.

There’s lots of information here for you to research and consider, hopefully you will get some positive results very soon that will help you and your children.

[Kazz]

Thank you so much for your advise, that is my greatest fear that my children will become him, they are good kids according to him I’m just jealous because I don’t have a relationship like his with them. I will look into all of the advice given by all you amazing ladies.
Felt so helpless before feel a bit more positive now.

[Kitkat44]

You’ve been given some great advice and I can’t add to that but want to send you a virtual hug and let you know I’m thinking of you. Trust and believe that your children love you more than anything or anyone else and you now have ways to turn this situation around.
Take care
Xx

[Wants To Help]

Oops! Just noticed my typo that says an Occupation Order is worse doing!! It should say WORTH. Definitely worth doing 🙂

[Kazz]

Hi, does anyone know how I go about finding a good female family law solicitor in my area who has experience in parental alienation and domestic abuse? My friend knows a family court judge that recommend some but they are all partners in the firm’s so are probably going to cost a fortune. I don’t know anyone that has been in a similar situation to make a recommendation and on the websites they all claim to be great.

[flufster]

I have exactly the same thing but my husband has taken my 2 girls and gone to live with his Mum (detail removed by Moderator) ago. He now has full control and only has allowed me (detail removed by Moderator) zoom calls in (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. (detail removed by Moderator). He says the children do not want to see me but they are scared to say they do for fear of him. The police who went round to see them girls when I reported it said that the girl’s answers they were giving were very trained answers, parrot fashion. He used to be so nasty, physically abusive and then when I snapped would record me so he is saying I am unstable and an alcoholic. I have (detail removed by Moderator) statements claiming they have seen no evidence of alcohol abuse including from a psychologist. I am terrified that I will not get them home as the girls are saying to everyone that they want to be with him. I am a (detail removed by Moderator) , working (detail removed by Moderator) while I was working he has been doing all the behaviours you said above. Turning the girls against me. I just hope (detail removed by Moderator) takes note of all the statements I have got and at least allows me to have the girls 50/50 until all investigations are don with CAFCASS etc

[Kazz]

Good luck Flufster, I know how heart breaking it is, I really feel for you, (detail removed by Moderator) as every day goes by I lose my older one in particular a little bit more, I just hope (detail removed by Moderator) can see through these vile humans who claim to love their children and use them as weapons, they do not care about the impact it has on their children. Stay strong and please let me know how it goes.

[Wiseafter]

Hi Kazz and flufster. You are very brave and the advice above is spot on. I also want to say, don’t back down. Know your truth. KNOW YOUR TRUTH. My ex is lying and manipulating my kids and his own, trying to convince them he is a victim and I am a bad, malicious person. This is part of a wider smear campaign. I got upset at first trying to defend myself but realised it is a waste of energy as I could not control the abuse, only my reaction to it. Luckily my kids are older and can call out the ex for using them in this way without me having to say anything. Kids love both their parents and it is monstrous and weak to target them. But, the abuser only has a limited arsenal of weapons to choose. Kids, in some cases your family home, money and belongings. But the most emotional of those are your kids. He knows this. Even though it feels that they hate you and don’t want to be with you at the moment. Nothing is forever. The most important thing is you exhibit consistency and security. Stay calm, stay healthy, speak and act with integrity and do not allow your ex abuser to push your buttons and provoke you in front of the kids. Take your emotions and put them to one side when you interact with him. Tell yourself how weak is he for having to use your children in this way. Eventually, when he sees his manipulation tactics are not affecting you, he will tire of this charade and you will be there to pick up the pieces after he discards or acts abusively to your children. Kids are forgiving and resilient. Mine didn’t see their birth dad for many years due to his treatment of them, and now they have a relationship with him. I am pleased for them. Look at the long term picture and stick to the plan, write down your goals and your aims. Work on building yourself up and what you can control, not what you can’t right now. Stick to your plan (detail removed by Moderator). Well done for taking the important steps you have. Abuse is never OK and this includes manipulating your children. Your actions and your calm, consistent faith in yourself and your truth and your reality is what counts. Not your exes fake reality which is not yours. It is very very hard not to take it personally but please be strong. All things pass and the future has many possibilities.

[Kazz]

Thank you so much Wiseafter, your words and advise mean a lot when you are just left with your own thoughts in the current situation, frightened of losing your children even though you have been a good mum it’s so scary. You just gave me the motivation I needed, I was really struggling.

[Kazz]

So yesterday I got told by a solicitor that if my older son chooses to live with his dad then the judge may agree this and the same with my younger one and I will have to end up paying him maintenance! Is this actually for really? I’m a good mum he has completely brainwashed the older one of course he will say he wants to live with his dad, he would be to scared to say anything else! Don’t know if anyone has heard of golden child syndrome but that’s what is going on in my house to a tee. The older one is love bombed by him. His gone to the doctor’s, dentist etc and told them to put his number down as the main contact.
When I changed it back to mine he asked “how dare I”. Can I actually lose my kids and home to this evil man because he has manipulated them and turned one in particular against me? Some please tell me this is not true.

[Author]

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