My pathetic story

[Bethesda]

Hello ladies,
I’m new here but been reading the forum for weeks,thanks heavens I found it!
I’m not british so apologies if my grammar is not perfect
Sorry,won’t be short…
I moved here with my child’s dad a few years ago to try to improve our life
First couple of months both of us were working
By that time I used to go to a place for drinks and food very regularly and there,I met a really sweet and nice english man
After a few weeks together as friends I felt in love and we started an affair,cheating on my more than one decade partner
It was a very confusing time,very confusing so I finally left my partner and started a relationship with the new boy,what a mistake sweetie!
My child was still in my country with relatives
This guy was homeless(he never lied me about,I thought he just was passing a bad time because is not an addict) so we were sleeping in tents or in sheds(sooo romantic…)and doing the rest(meals,showers,laundry…) in our local homeless people charity
In this time I should have seen the red flags which were LOADS:shouts,abusive texts,silent treatments,selfishness,always telling me that if I was with him it was my choice,he never asked me anything,bla,bla,bla…Basically verbal abuse,he never isolated me or forced me for sex
One night(we’d been together just a few months) we were in the tent and I can’t remember what exactly I said or did(usually when I was mouthy or shouted at him) but he got mad,went outside and started to kick and punch the tent with me inside…
Believe me,took me ages to get out there,it was absolutely destroyed
Alright so I found a room for me in a shared house through an agency(he wasn’t working as usual)and I decided took him with me
Fights were increasing and getting worse and worse:shouts,very bad and hurtful insults,slaps,punches,kicks,punch my head against the walls(I can’t believe I’m still alive)…My housemates tried to convince me to leave but I was madly in love(still I am)
Finally the inspector of the agency found him there a few times(I told him to leave the house by 8am but he never did)so I was evicted and homeless again
We had to split,I went to my ex partner house with them temporarily(he never wanted my child around that guy and my boyfriend never wanted to live with my daughter or have too much contact with her so she always lived with her dad)he went to work nearby and come back to his area until I found a new room but this time for both of us
In the meantime he tried to leave me(very common thing on him)and ignore me a lot
Anyway,we were reunited again,the beginning in the new shared house was very nice,I was like a kid with new shoes,very happy and excited,full of hopes and expectations
I thought:he will change,he will keep a job more than a few weeks,he will not be lazy anymore,he will be nice and affectionate again,we will have a bright and lovely future together…
Nothing of that happened
His beatings and behaviour got worse and worse:black eyes,bruises everywhere every single week,one month off work because he hurt my shoulder very bad…
All of his beatings and abuse behaviour came because I dared to shout him,be mouthy,be angry or drunk or whatever
I remember a particular thing which made me feel so upset and terrified:if we had an argument one night and the next day he didn’t turn up to work because he couldn’t get his important and deserved rest he could be texting me when I was at work for hours insulting me and emotionally abusing me,FOR HOURS,about 30,40 or 50 texts,he did this every time he didn’t go to work,a lot of times…it’s think about and still distress me so much
My boss,job mates,housemates,friends,my child’s dad…everyone was very worried and begging me to leave him
Like all you imagine,the was time passing and I was getting more and more depressed,miserable,anxious,irritable,drinking a lot,crying a lot,needy of affection as mad…
He was ALL DAY scolding me for this:grow up,go to the doctor,you are mentally ill,this behaviour is unattractive,if you act like a man you will be treated like one,I’m sick of you you miserable c**t…
He almost never want sex or cuddles in bed,too much busy with his stuff and himself,that part affected quite a lot,no affection
I’m not proud of it but a few times I cut myself with scissors,that times when we were arguing and I was totally desperate…
To try to finish with my story the ice on the cake happened a few months ago
We had a massive argument and that time he lost completely the plot,punched and kicked my whole body,broke my nose…I was crying on the floor and he was still insulting me and blaming me so my housemate came,faced him and called the police
I asked him to run off and he did
Police arrived and I didn’t want to give them any detail of him(my housemate made a statement saying it wasn’t the first time) but they took me to the hospital anyway and put me back at home after the doctors treated me
He texted me apologising and he spent the night in the streets
Next morning my child’s dad went to mine to take me back to his house
I was completely in shock for a good couple of days
He came to visit me crying and saying sorry,I forgave him,trying to support him and telling him I won’t press charges and we started to see each other secretly
Obviously I had to be one week or so off work,he wasn’t working and he wasn’t allowed in our house anymore so I had to leave my beloved room,again
He decided to come back to his area(a few hundred miles away)get a job,save money and come back to town to start over again with me
He made lot of nice promises,we spent some nights together and finally we split
The first few days I was ok but when time was passing I was more and more depressed,texting him lots about how much I loved and missed him,how much I needed his love,his hugs,how desperate I was…
Nothing…He became more distant,texting me very cold answers(like get a grip,I don’t love you anymore,you won’t see me again if you keep going with this behaviour) and ignoring me a few times
And one night when I was very upset I texted him a very emotional text,his answer was:I don’t want to be with you anymore
And that’s all,years of relationship gone
He left me with a text message
Costed me ages to convince him to have a phone conversation with me
I begged and begged for his forgiveness,cried,made a lot of promises to change my behaviour,I promised to visit a psychologist,cut down the beers,nothing worked
He totally ignored me,a huge silent treatment for days and every time I texted him the only answer I could got was:(detail removed by moderator)
I gave up…weeks on no eating or sleeping,lost lot of weight,just drink and drink…
My boss recommended me our local women aid charity so I decided to go there,they were kind and lovely to me,bless them…
I will start a 10 weeks course to try to take my old self back
I finally went back to the police and pressed charges against him
I was scared,sorry and confused but the police officer told me:this is not a revenge,this is justice
I’m so sorry for this never ending story
I went to NO CONTACT for weeks but still pretty bad,thinking all day about him,missing him,crying,asking me why and how he could move on so quick…
I decided NO CONTACT and he accepted happily,how pathetic I am…after all my sacrifices,he just used me like a kleenex…
THANK YOU SO MUCH LADIES,YOUR POSTS HAVE BEEN THE BEST I COULD FIND in this horrible time of my life
Sorry about this boring and long story but I needed to vent with you,the only ones who really understand
Lots of love and strength
Bethesda
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[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Bethesda
Welcome to the forum, how good of you to have written here, I’ve just read your story in one go, it’s been quite the adventure for you, I’m so sorry you were abused so terribly, I am so very relieved you were advised to contact Women’s Aid, thank goodness you did and are following their advice to go No Contact and following their course soon. You’ve been really strong to have reported him to the police, well done!
What you are going through now, missing him and still loving him, is called trauma bonding, search the term, it’ll help you understand why you are still attached to him, even after everything he’s put you through. Keep going with No Contact, the pain and longing for him will lessen over time, keep steady and strong.
I wish nothing more for you than stability now, a good job, a safe home and strength in maintaining the No Contact with your abusive ex. Step by step, you’ll get through this and reclaim your life and old self back.
Try reconnecting with trustworthy friends, it’ll ease the loneliness and keep you busy.

Take excellent care of yourself honey and keep posting on here 💕

[Bethesda]

Thank you so much HopeLifeJoy,thanks for your support
The horrible adventure is finally over
X*x

[maddog]

Well done for getting away. What you have been through is horrific and absolutely not your fault. Well done for making contact with WA. They are brilliant.

I expect you will be doing the Freedom Programme or something similar. I’ve done it more than once now. It’s a real eye-opener and I hope you find it helpful and supportive. I really found it good to be with other women who had had similar experiences.

You are spot on when you describe this man as treating you like a Kleenex. Abusers don’t treat partners as people. They treat them as objects. You are as likely to experience true intimacy with an abuser as you are with a lawnmower.

Victim Support are very kind and you may find help through Rape Crisis.

[Bethesda]

Thanks a lot Maddog…
I never could have true intimacy with my ex…That’s one of the points which got me very upset all the time…and still hurts loads

[Author]

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