My previously estranged dad is sexually and now physically abusing me

[summerrose]

Hello. I’m new here and really need to get this all out even if nobody reads it because my head is so full it feels like it’s going to explode. My mum left my dad when I was a baby. Their relationship was physically abusive and she didn’t want that life for me so somehow she found the strength to leave him. He moved on after harassment and a restraining order was taken out and I never knew him. He married (detail removed by moderator) and another woman after that. He has multiple children to different women all together. Having an absent father was really tough for me and I suffered a lot of mental health issues as a result. After a few years of therapy I finally went looking for him now I’m an adult.

He was everything I wanted him to be in the beginning, the fantasy dad I never had who was always out there somewhere loving me. He focussed all his attention, time and money on me and put his other children (the few he sees) on one side so we could build a relationship. He showered me with gifts, cards, meals out, everything you could imagine. He told me I was his favourite, that he’d never and could never love anyone like me, that I’m special and his world.

Since then I’ve split up from my husband of (detail removed by moderator). My dad tried to get me to move in with him after this and has completely taken over my life. (detail removed by moderator) after meeting him he started sexually abusing me. This has continued for (detail removed by moderator) now. (detail removed by moderator) he was violent for the first time. I knew it was coming, there were so many signs. I phoned the police because I was frightened and they said they were going to arrest him for assault. This still hasn’t happened (detail removed by moderator) because he’s hiding from them and foolishly I’ve spoken to him since. It’s as if I’m addicted. I want to get away most of the time when I’m with him and I know he doesn’t really make me happy but when we fall out it can feel unbearable. I live alone now, I don’t see my friends like I did and when I do talk to them they don’t understand.It’s like my entire world revolves around him and I’ve nowhere else to turn. I can’t tell my mum because her world would fall apart – he did all this to her and it’s everything she tried to protect me from.

He tells me he does everything for me, that I should be grateful, that nobody loves me like he does and we should just forget about the bad stuff. He says he fell in love with a beautiful woman and he can’t help it. He never takes any responsibility and constantly plays mind games to manipulate me. He’s always trying to make me jealous of his other children or the wife he’s separated from, like he enjoys it. He stalks me when he doesn’t stay over in the middle of the night to check I’m home and has been seen stalking my husband’s home too. He says I’m not allowed to go and see my husband or talk to him because he’s a big threat, even though he’s a lovely man who’s never done anything wrong to me.He says he’ll walk away from me if I see my husband. He’s always threatening to walk away and will sometimes just disappear in the middle of the night when he does stay over, sometimes he comes back sometimes he doesn’t. I know he does this to play on my fear of abandonment.

I feel silly for calling the police and then speaking to him.Now he’s been to a solicitor who is going to arrange for him to be questioned voluntarily instead of him being arrested and will tell him what to say and what not to say. I feel so helpless. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and totally trapped. Even when I get myself out I get sucked right back in for another cycle because I miss him and I’m still holding out for that fantasy dad he pretended to be and still sometimes does to come back and stay for good. My life was filled with pain because of my absent dad before I met him yet, but now I’m living an absolute nightmare. I used to laugh, be able to relax, sleep well and eat well. Everything feels like it’s falling apart now and I don’t know how much further there is to go. I feel scared. And lonely, so so lonely. I’m hoping people here may at least understand because all anyone ever says if I pluck up the courage to talk about it is ‘just walk away and don’t see him anymore’. If only it was that easy.

[summerrose]

Also the children he sees, the ones I hoped I could build relationships with hate me. They think I’m jealous of them, that I’ve stolen their dad and want me out of their lives – not that I see them anyway because he only ever sees me on my own. When there’s an argument he runs to them (and friends) and tells lies about me for sympathy. It drives me mad. Any excuse I have these people on my case hurling abuse at me. These are my siblings but not really because I never knew them growing up. He spent the first few months telling everyone I was the best thing since sliced bread and parading me around like a trophy and now all he does is moan about me to people and spin awful lies to smear me.

[Eggshells]

Hi Summerrose,

This sounds incredibly complicated and you may need some help to extricate yourself from this relationship.

Whilst the familial relationship may be different from the relationships most have experienced, it sounds as though your difficulties in leaving are very like the difficulties many women on the forum have experienced.

Please talk to your GP about this and ask for advice on local support. Also Google trauma bonding, it may help to explain why you are finding it so difficult to leave.

You do have to leave, things will only get worse as time progresses so please seek help from your GP ASAP.

[Lisa]

Hi Summerrose

I am sorry to hear about your situation, Eggshells has given really good advice about going to see your GP.

You did the right thing by calling the Police, it’s not ok for your Dad to emotionally and sexually abuse you, he is controlling too, this is all very concerning. You have done nothing wrong, we don’t often hear that perpetrators will change unfortunately, so he will keep behaving like this.

It would be a good idea to get some support in place, you could contact Rape Crisis https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ You could ask for details for the local sexual assault service who can support you through the investigation.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[summerrose]

Thank you for your replies. It really means a lot that you took the time to do so. I hadn’t thought of going to my gp. How is it they might be able to help? I speak to a psychologist regularly but I’m still struggling. Thank you for saying it’s not ok and that I’ve done nothing wrong – my mind gets so warped sometimes I think it’s all because of me. I know I need to cut all contact but the pain of that feels like it will be worse than the pain I’m in now because at least now I get temporary relief when he puts on the doting dad mask, even if it doesn’t last that long. I know long term once I’ve gone through the pain of accepting my dad doesn’t love me, that he’s not capable I’ll do and feel better but my God it’s a leap of faith I don’t feel strong enough to make. I can’t understand why I’m punishing myself so much by staying when I can just cut ties if I want to.

[Lisa]

Hello Summerrose,

Your GP may be able to refer you to local support services that would be suitable for you, they will have an understanding of the support available in your area so they can make suggestions and possibly referrals for these.

They can also refer you for counselling services on the NHS if you feel this is something that might help. Many women who have experienced abuse have found it very useful to speak to someone who is non-judgemental in a confidential setting, to explore what you’re going through in more detail and eventually begin to break some of the attachments we have to these toxic and abusive individuals.

Rape Crisis can also help in this way, so they would be a good service to have a look at. They have a webchat service if you feel like this might be a less overwhelming place to start.

Take care,
Lisa

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