My son did not come home last night…….

[mixed-up mum]

For the first time since we left his father – my son stayed at his father’s – he’s trying to punish me and it hurts like hell – but I can’t let him win – I can’t let him bully me.

He has been walking his father’s dog for (detail removed by Moderator) days while he was in hospital for a routine check up.
So I eventually go him up at (detail removed by Moderator) yesterday to take it out – he came back an hour later and informed me he wasn’t going to go to Rugby tonight, as he’d ” walked enough ”.

I had a client in so I don’t argue with him – but it was my turn to drive (we share driving (detail removed by Moderator)) so I told him at (detail removed by Moderator) that we WERE going to Rugby as it was my turn and the other lad was expecting a lift – and I couldn’t let them down last minutes.

Well he then decided to have a ’power struggle ’ with me, he just sat there for 10 mins as I got ready – then next I knew hed gone to bed – (all to dig his heels in not to go) well by this time the other lad was at our door – what could I do I had to go without my son (I was not going to begg him to go – so I had to leave without him – how embarrassing,.

This was all to get out of going to Rugby – and it worked – he got his way. I was so mad with him getting the better of me.

I had already said to my daughter before my son got up yesterday morning – just you wait he will try and think up an excuse not to go to Rugby – and I was right!!!!

I told him he had to go as he sits ALL DAY – EVERY DAY in his room on Xbox or Hudl – never comes out but for food or toilet. Won’t spend any time with his sister and me – he’s up all night and sleeps half the day.
So that’s why I said he WAS going to Rugby – I didn’t think I was asking to much of him to come out his room for ONE night a week, for 1 1/2hrs and do a bit of exercise – in the fresh air, and socialising with other boys.

But he dug hid heels in and wouldn’t go.

So I rang his father and told him he wouldn’t go to Rugby – and I had to leave right away (or we’d be late) and so I asked could his father give him his tea.

And so I left – got back at (detail removed by Moderator), had tea and in he walks at (detail removed by Moderator) – well by this time I’d confiscated his Xbox controller and his Hudl – as a punishment for not playing fair with me. He saw this and walked right back up to his father’s.

(detail removed by Moderator) is usually as late as he will stay – and has NEVER stayed a night at his father’s – even refused to stay with the dog while his father was in hospital.

So now I’m really mad – him or his father could have phoned me to say he was staying , but neither of them did , and so at 3-30am I got in the car and drove up to his father’s, I wanted to see for myself if he had ’accidentally’ fallen asleep on the sofa – or was he IN BED – and so I crept in to the house, he wasn’t on the sofa he HAD gone to bed – which told me he MEANT TO stay the night.

He’s trying to wind me up and ’punish’ me – and I am SO upset and so mad at him.

He’s pushing his luck and hes deliberately disobeying me – I think he’s playing me off against his father – trying to see who will give him what he wants – which is – his own way!!!!!

He does nothing to help around the house – he’s in his room until meals are ready – then comes out – eats and then away back in his room – he never even lays the table, clears the table, or washes a dish – he expects everything his own way – and I just can’t let him ’win’ everytime – he’s trying to gain control here – and I can’t let that happen – I can’t let him get the better of me and walk all over me – there has to be some rules.

If he’s just done as I wanted and GONE to Rugby – then NONE of this would have happened – he’d still be home and he’d still have his Xbox and Hudl – one little thing I asked him to do and he wouldn’t do it.

It’s not cos he doesn’t like Rugby – its because he doesn’t want to have to leave his room and go out and actually DO something.
It’s sure not asking too much of him to leave the house twice in the two weeks he has off of school – the rest of the time he does what he wants (eg up all night chatting to girls) I have not made him get off of his Hudl in the holidays, I’ve let him do what he wanted – this was the one ’rule’ I had, and well he knew it too.

He’s let me down by not coming home last night – its VERY hurtful – its a big ‘slap in the face’ for me – I do everything for that lad – and this is the thanks I get.

I honestly feel like saying OK fine then – away you go – stay at your father’s.
But as much as he drives me mad – I don’t want to lose him – and well he knows that too.

His father would not let him off with half of what he gets off with here – he wouldn’t let him spend all day every day on Xbox – up all night and sleeping half the day – he’d make him do dishes and set the table and clear the table (he does that for his father when he’s there but never for ME) he thinks the grass is greener at his father’s – but he might just be in for a dirty drop!!!!

It’s one thing going there on a Saturday for a few hours and being spoilt – but it would be different LIVING there – he’s forgotten in X years we have been gone what like his father REALLY IS!!!!!!!

I know his sister is going to be SO UPSET when she finds out he didn’t come home – but it’s his choice – he had choices all along – he could have chosen to go to Rugby – but didn’t – he could have chosen to take his ’punishment’ (removal of privileges) and either sit with his sister and me for one evening or go and have an early night for a change – but he wouldn’t do that…. no he chose to go to his father’s and he chose not to come home.

He needs to learn we all have to follow some rules in life, and he can’t just go about doing what he wants, when he wants – I have to let him know HES not the one calling the shots here – I’m his mam – he may well be leaving school – but if he lives under my roof he needs to show me SOME respect.

So what do I do now……please help, I’m so upset – I didn’t sleep last night at all -:now I KNOW he’s stayed away on purpose.

If only he would just apologise to me but he won’t do that – he’s really upset me staying away.

And his father is no better – he’s using this to his advantage too – saying aww its OK you can stay here with me tonight – he SHOULD HAVE backed me up and sent him home to me – by letting him stay there he’s pandering to him and giving him attention for misbehaving – he has to know there are consequences for misbehaving – and his father has NOT reinforced that – he’s just ’let him off’ instead of backing me up.

They are both playing me off against the other. And it’s me who is the loser in all this…..

He still is not home and its 2pm now…….

What do I do???????

[mixed-up mum]

Almost 3pm now and not a phone call – and hes never turned up yet – he’s dragging this out as long as possible and making me sweat – he wants me to go and get him – bring him home and give him back his Xbox and Hudl – its a battle of wills – he doesn’t want to give in first.
But I can’t give in, he must learn he can’t just stomp out of the house and not come back for over 18hrs, and then walk back in as and when HE is rear, as if everything is OK.

I have to take a stand this time or he’ll just do this again and again to get his own way – he needs to know I won’t knuckle under every time.

To tell the truth I don’t even on if he IS coming back – maybe he HAS gone to his dads for good this time – to teach me a lesson……

[mixed-up mum]

Its (detail removed by Moderator) and his dad will be in from work – he’s STILL not come home, and no phone call either.

His father will be loving this – breaking up the family and getting my son to live with him – I know he will be on the phone to his mother, sister and brother tonight – bet he can’t wait to spread the ‘good news’!!!!! He will delight in telling them how my son has fallen out with me, and slept the night at his dads.

His family will be so chuffed, and laughing their heads off at me loosing my son.
My son has played right into their hands by doing this – this is just what they hoped would happen. Everything will fall apart and we won’t be a family anyone, without my son.

They will all be delighted to know that I’m having problems with him, and he wanted to stay at his dad’s.

After all I have done in the last X years to make a fresh start, and a better life for us 3, away from him. It hasn’t been easy – I’m trying my best, and then he goes and does this to me.

I bet you his father put all this in his head and stirred it all up – two days ago he refused to stay at his father’s (and has always refused to stay there) – and now look – I don’t know when I will see him again.

His father is doing nothing to sort things out, or he would have phoned me by now – he’s been home from work (detail removed by Moderator) and no contact – he’s SO enjoying the power!!!!

AL I ever did was try and be a good mam – and I get it thrown back in my face.

This is hurting so much -why won’t he come home…..

[godschild]

M.U.M I really feel for you and can sense your hurt and frustration at this situation. Its awful that his Dad is letting him get away with this, mine used to undermine me if I tried to disipline as it gets to us.
He is doing this to upset you using your son.
You have struggled so much to get free and get the kids away and this is how yo get treated.
I can understand how you feel, my son saw the abuse , suffered abuse and yet now many years down the line he is married and blames me and takes hi dads part, I was the very best Mom I could be and comforted him when the abuse was bad and the abusers walk away with them on their side in the end.
You work had and try to keep the family together and worry.
My son went throgh this type of behaviour staying in his room 24/7, ate in his room, had little conversation with me, for a long time.
Hid Dad would lnever disipline or challenge him so my son knows which side his bread is buttered so to speak, even now he never confronts him on anything.
These is no pain as that that comes from our children whom we have loved and cared for and done our very best.
They are both doing this to upset you and get a reaction then they can blame you.
Its really disgusting , his Dad is teaching him wrong ways and disrespect to you.
Stick by your disipline whatever, his Dad is not showing him love and care by helping him to behave this way and not letting you know.
You are the mature carign Parent and doing right.
Ita good you have you rDaughters support in it, if you can I would leave him be, he will come home when he is ready and needs you, he will see through his Dad who is only using him to get at you, I can really sense your feelings on this, sending you a big Hug xx

[KIP.]

I went through this power struggle with my son. He’s doing it to punish you. You must not respond. When he returns make sure you have a big smile on your face and say nothing. Eventually my husband moved my son out into a flat of his own and it backfired badly. Let them have their little games. If I was you I would refuse to take him to rugby again. The more you pamper him the less respect he will have for you. Believe me I’ve been there. If he has to get a bus or walk, he will realise what he’s missing in a lift. I know it’s really hard but my son learned from his father. Treat him as an abuser because that’s what he is. No contact. Do not engage in the mind games. I became so clingy to my son because my ex always threatened to take my son from me if I ever left. It’s part of the mind games❤️

[Eve1]

I feel for you, M.U.M. We leave the abuser and think we’ve done the hard bit, but if we have children with them it’s not over. I haven’t quite been through this, but did worry my ex would try to persuade my son to move in with him. If he hadn’t found a new partner he probably would have tried harder.

I agreed that, much as you want to tell him how much he’s hurt you, don’t if you can as it won’t help. Let him make his own choices. I can’t advise greatly as I am probably too soft with my son. He didn’t spend one night with is on the Easter holidays and I still drove him back to uni.

Huge hug from me.

Eve
x

[mixed-up mum]

My ex has just rung – he wants me up to talk.

He seems to genuinely want to help me sort this out.
My ex says that he is playing us off against each other – and we need to work together to sort this out – he says he’s on my side and wants to help.

He says our son came up there last night in tears – and all he would say is that I’d taken his Hudl away from him – I explained to his father why I had to do it (cos he wouldn’t go to rugby) as it’s the only thing that he will take notice of – its the only thing that makes him sit up and take notice that I mean business.

I do think this is all actually my sons doing – and he’s just ‘stamping his feet’ to get his own way.

My ex says he will back me up and wants to work with me and not against me – so we shall see!!!

I have to go up tonight and try and sort this – I want him back – but not at ANY cost – I need to remain firm on my discipline – and NOT cave in, just cos I want him back.

The thing is he really doesn’t learn from these situations – he continues to push his luck and he won’t change – won’t help around the house – won’t do homework etc – and so time after time I have to remove his privileges – you’d think he’d learn – then there would be no need for this.

So I’ll go up, we’ll have a talk and see what comes of this…….

[Confused123]

HI HUn

These kids are so much damm hard work, i hope your ex does keep to his word and doesnt play mind games, keep to your rules,, let your son know his behaviour is unacceptable and everytime he choosses to stay over at his dad or anyone without clarifying it with u, there will be a consquence to face after, continue to keep his console longer due to his beahviour and if he says i want to stay at dad, if your ex agree just say thats fine but u expect daily communication if his returning by x time . let him stay with his dad. i know its hard knowing the ex family are laughing, going throguh that stage. good luck and thinking of u, let me know how it went

[mixed-up mum]

Hi folks – sorry I didn’t get back to you last night – I just couldn’t, I was exhausted, with having not slept the night before,

Well he’s back home now, he’s a bit quiet and a bit ‘sheepish’, so I think he’s learnt his lesson, and I think he’s sorry – though he will never SAY sorry!!!

I did all the talking, my ex was no help really, just sat there, he could have been a bit more supportive, but better he said nothing, than making trouble.

I just explained all my reasons for doing what I did, explained why he needed to have exercise, why I’d taken the Hudl, and told him he mustn’t just stomp out of the house and not let me know were he was and that he wasn’t coming home.

My ex did apologise for that, he said I’m sorry I should have phoned you and let you know. But he’d made up a bed for my son, and then gone to bed himself, left my son watching TV, so I don’t think he knew if my son was staying the night for sure, as he hes never stayed in the past.

As I said his father wasn’t much support, but he didn’t actually make things any worse, so I suppose I should be thankful for that – the only time he did annoy me a bit, was when I was trying to sort things and get my son home and his father chipped in – “its up to you, there is a bed here, you can stay another night if you want to” – but my son chose to come home.

I think he actually knows he’s better off here!! But was just pushing the boundaries to see what he could get off with!!

I just wish my ex would be a bit more supportive, and actually back me up – but he just sits on the fence – not wanting to ‘fall out’ with our son – its always ME who is ‘bad cop’ – its me who has to make the decisions and give out and consequences for his behaviour.

Sorry got to go now – I will be back later, have to work now, but this was just a basic reply to let you all know he is home, and thank you all for your support yesterday, I was at my wits end with worry.

x*x

[Serenity]

Hi M.U.M,

First of all, don’t panic. A lot of what you describe is normal teenage behaviour.

At the same time, you need to set firm boundaries here.

I don’t know if it is that your ex went as far as getting your son to walk the dog, knowing it would tire him out and not go to rugby, but it is certainly something my ex would be capable of doing. So that’s just something for you to consider.

Even if he didn’t do this for that reason this time, be aware that our exes hate us moving on and having order in our lives. They like to affect us and create chaos from a distance, to play power games, to get the kids to follow them and abuse us, to be top dog. Just something to consider, even for the future. These abusers can set up situations very cleverly, then watch everything fall like dominoes.

Even if he didn’t engineer all the above, your ex is certainly taking advantage of the situation now. He is using it as a way to get you to meet with him and be in contact again, like he used the school thing. These abusers can’t bear us having distance from them and getting on with our lives.

You need to consider what effect this contact with your ex has on you. He might appear congenial and sympathetic and helpful- to get you there?- but once there, how do you feel?

Are any of these meetings are preventing you from moving forward and finding your strength and independent spirit?

I may be wrong in the above, but I am just considering how I know now my ex thinks.

So, it could be that your son is being manipulated.

If not ( and if all that I have written above isn’t true), then on to your son’s treatment of you. He is showing you disrespect and the rugby incident was him asserting his will over you, but going there and playing victim, playing you off against one another.

Your son might be feeling emotional, more than he lets on- I don’t know your son- and he may have been feeling tired, exhausted, etc that evening- but our role as mums to sons is hard: we need to raise them to respect us and other women.

Your ex is very keen on always meeting with you to discuss parenting issues, but there is a problem here. I don’t know exactly how he was in your marriage/ relationship, but I imagine that he treated you in ways that you wish your son didn’t have as an example.

I think as long as your ex gets you to agree close contact whenever there are child issues, and your son too will have to opportunity to try to use things to his advantage.

The only way I have coped with getting my kids to respect me and to live out the morals I want them to live is to not discuss children’s issues at all with him.

I don’t believe that you can co-parent with an abuser. I think they will manipulate the situation. I don’t want my sons to live according to my ex’s values. I don’t want them to follow his example, to adopt his view of women. I want to show them that my view is very, very different from my ex’s view. I want them to see that I have chosen to distance myself from my ex, because I don’t agree with his morals, I don’t wish to tolerate his abuse any longer and that I am strong enough to do this.

Thus, whilst they are free to go to their dad’s house, in my house whilst. They are fee from abuse, there are still certain rules in place, and rules for behaviour. For example, I won’t tolerate unkindness. My ex is so twisted that he is trying to teach them to be cruel and dishonest.

Now, your ex might not be exactly like mine, but I think that if you give into your ex’s coercion every time there is an issue with your son, your son will carry on seeing you as doing your ex’s bidding and not as string and independent. Teenagers can be manipulative: but you want to teach him by the time he’s adult not to be so, that you can see through it and won’t put up with it!

If you want my advice, make a clear divide between your and your ex’s home. Refuse to go and discuss things with your ex every time anything crops up with your son. Tell your ex that you prefer to deal with things in your own way in your house. Give your ex as little information as possible about the goings -on in your house. The less he knows, the less opportunity he had to try to get you to have contact.

Tell your son that he us free to go to his dad’s whenever he wants, but in your house, there are certain rules for behaviour. Set up your home according to the moral behaviours you want to happen. This. So be completely different from at his dad’s, but that is not important: you are the mother and you want to rate your kids as you see fit. Don’t meet with your ex every time anything comes up. Show your son you are independent and strong enough to deal with things independently.

I agree with other ladies that you shouldn’t keep on giving up he is not shining you respect. Tell him you aren’t going to give him a lift to rugby if he is going to treat you with disrespect. Create two or three little chores he needs to start doing around the house. Whilst teenagers love space, time alone and even being in their rooms, he needs to respect you, too.

I think in seeing you handling things alone and being independent-minded, he will respect you more ( even if you need to fake being so for now!).
He might retaliate and go and stay at his dad’s for a few days. Let him. He will soon come back. Kids know where they are treated best. My eldest lasted 4 days with his dad. X*x

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