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Hello
I have very recently left my abusive ex after finding out about multiple affairs. I have a newborn baby and 2 young kids.
Im struggling with the acceptance of it being abuse – financial, emotional, explosive outbursts, intimidation, isolating me, silent treatment etc. Rationally I know it was, I even have said it to him that it was abuse, almost every time. However, there is a part of me that is still loyal to him and confused as I feel I am betraying him and I did genuinely believe he loved me due to all the ‘nice phases’, he had us all fooled.
He did not make contact for weeks after I found everything out and opened up. A lawyer then wanted to get the ball rolling with finances, as he has not paid his half of the bills since splitting so he emailed him saying (detail removed by moderator). This obviously poked the bear and he is now demanding to see the kids and threatening to show up. I’m now feeling like his bullying will never stop and the lawyer has said that it’s in the kids best interest to see their dad… But I’m struggling to see how when he is abusive and manipulative and aggressive. I did agree to him seeing them, only for the kids and then he didn’t show up despite bullying his way into it. I feel so trapped as even though I’ve left, I’ll still continue to be controlled by him financially and emotionally via the children. Finding it hard to see how things will ever get better.
Now my little boy has expressed his excitement that his ‘mummy’ AND ‘daddy’ are going to (detail removed by moderator). And for him, to keep him as damage-free as possible, should I make contact and tell his dad to come (whether he shows or not..)? Or should I keep myself safe this early on to leaving and not tell his dad and just try to manage my little boy’s expectations at risk of hurting his feelings? My heart is so torn and I can’t believe this is my reality. It’s horrible to say but my life was actually easier when I was with him.
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bless your heart, its still very early days for you & is bound to feel harder now than it was whilst in the relationship. i think its because you are having to deal with so many of your own conflicting emotions, but also due to the fact that your partner is behaving the way he is
sadly your partner will attempt to control you as much as possible, especially through your children
although i didnt have children, my local da service recommended a wonderful solicitor experienced in domestic abuse – has your solicitor got this experience because it would help things a lot
also are you getting support from your local da service at all to help you deal with everything
its completely understandable you wanting to protect your children as much as possible because you are a loving caring mum to them all. but the decision about the (detail removed by moderator) will have to be yours based on what you feel in your gut – do you trust that your partner will turn up if invited or do you feel your little one will be badly let down.
i hope you are in contact with your local da service just to ensure you have their help, support & advice with all this, as theres such a lot for you to navigate alone
stay strong as you are doing really well even though you dont feel like you are x-
To springboard off of what great advice @minimeerkat offered, document this:
“I did agree to him seeing them, only for the kids and then he didn’t show up despite bullying his way into it.”
^^^ This is very important for demonstrating where your ex is more interested in control than even your ex’s children’s wants and needs.
Dad should be driving the relationship with his children. Not you driving it. Set your children’s expectations based on what Dad ACTS on, rather than what Dad says he’s going to do. Not what he promises, but what he actually does there.
You’ve left with the kids. If Dad wants a relationship with his children, its up to him to sort that out. It is not your job to — post separation — be the referee for continuing building your ex’s relationship with your children, especially if the ex is not putting in the time and effort there. It is not your responsibility to manage his relationship with his children. And document all of that.
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