My story

[Wisewords]

I have been married (detail removed by moderator) years and have 3 children. My husband was always known as being a hot head and I realised after a few years I had my hands full. He is self employed with a business that’s going down the pan because he finds anything else to do other than his job. Everything distracts him. I work full time and have also worked side jobs to earn extra money. He has always been very aggressive, unloving and arrogant what he says goes and he has told us he is to be treated like god in our house. We had pages of rules that we had to adhere to but not him. He puts me under constant pressure. He’s never wrong but everyone else is. Anyway (detail removed by moderator). My drink had been spiked and he said he was embarrassed of me. I don’t drink a lot – maybe a few glasses of wine at Christmas and I only go out a few times a year. It was the second time I was drunk in(detail removed by moderator). I am watering this down as I find the full story too hard to take. The fact he left me like that just upset me so much I left and never went back. He has thrown 2 of my children out and they live with me now and he is on his way to throwing the third out. It’s his way or no way. I have tried to make a go if things since but it’s not worked. My daughter works(detail removed by moderator) and does not drive as it makes her anxious so as she is happy working I am happy to give her lifts when the busses are not running. He is not happy with this and thinks all the children should be standing on their own two feet. (detail removed by moderator) down the line he had decided that he wants me to pay towards the mortgage of the house he lives in (joint mortgage) he wants quite a substantial sum. I have I own things to pay for. He has threatened he won’t pay and will let it get taken by repossession and has made it clear if I don’t pay up he will make me pay in other ways and guarantees it.(detail removed) I find his behaviour absurd. For (detail removed by moderator) he paid little to nothing towards the household bills. I really resent giving him any money at all. I need to understand what is going on here. He now tells me we are apart because I broke all the rules ?? I’m (detail removed by moderator) and still following rules ?? He is like it with everyone – his parents are treated badly, his brothers and sisters too and all of us. I find his behaviour controlling and suffocating. He lectured me for hours on end about my mistakes until I cry and then the tv volume is turned up and he acts like I’m not there. There’s no empathy or care. It’s plain wierd and I don’t get it. Can someone explain what type of personality this is – I’m starting to think I have a problem not him.

[fizzylem]

Yeah he sounds like he has n**********c traits, you could google this, lots of things out there re what a relationship is like with someone with these traits; some stuff on youtube as well. He sounds very similar to my ex.

Thinking if you want to help your child with a lift then it’s nothing to do with him; if he wants to parent this way then fine, but it’s up to you how you parent isn’t it; I’m also wondering if you’ve had any legal advice re the house? Could try Rights for women.

These men are incredibly challenging to co parent with, although that’s putting it mildly really, impossible is probably the word. High conflict parent, it’s his way end of, in fact that was one of my ex’s favourite sayings. I ended up opting out all together eventually, gave up, could see I had to always assume the position of the loser in any interaction, was safer that way, not that I had much choice – I just leave him to get on with it these days.

Sounds like you need some legal advice re the house and to get this financial settlement sorted and to go no contact with him WW; also sounds like the kids are grown up and can make their own minds up when they see each parent and will do, so there’s really no need to have anything to do with him, especially if all it does is cause problems when you do x

[Wisewords]

Thank you for responding. Yes you are right. I have left and my children have grown up-albeit want very little to do with him. They have thrived since they left. It’s nice not to be blamed for everything – especially if his rules are not adhered to. I don’t miss him calling me vile names either. Or the shouting. The list goes on !!

How are you getting on since you left. How long did it take you to put it behind you and move on fizzylem.

[fizzylem]

Well, everyone’s stuation is similar in that abuse is abuse and these men have similar characteristics WW, but each of us come with a different set of obstacles and difficulties hey. I had a youngish child with him when I threw him out; so it has still been dreadful since then; like I say, co parenting is impossible. So it’s taken me a number of years, I went no conact some years ago and can see how this was very much needed, the only way.

But he’s fought me using the legal system, made false allegations time and time again, he’s a lousy parent at best, but also emotionally abused our child, so it hasnt been easy, unless he’s sexually or physically abusing the child, or that the emotional abuse is glaringly obvious, until they are old enough, the law thinks that they both have a right to a relationship, and it is mums job to help enusre this happens hey, so the law is on his side – personally feel it is seriously failing children who do not have a voice – the younger ones; I’ve had one armed tied behind my back trying to protect her because of this.

He’s also made it very difficult for us to get a new home, so we have been stuck in temporary accomodation for a few years, while we battle him, until this can be resolved legally.

Now she’s older, like yours, she’s old enough to make up her own mind and is opting out of this relationship; its heartwarming to read yours have thrived since, as this is the position I hope we will now be in very soon – almost there now. Weve been stuck in dealing with him and all this brings for years, guess also like you hey; but can see we have a real chance now and putting him behind us – maybe all of us do hey x

[Wisewords]

Hi fizzylem.

It’s not easy in any sense of the word is it. Your situation obviously became intolerable. I feel for you having been in temporary accommodation trying to fight this. I hope you are at the end of your awful journey. Hopefully when you get a more permanent home you can lay your roots and be happy. Ever night I go to bed and I just live being in that bed on my own. And I love waking up on my own. There’s nothing quite like it. It will be you soon enough fizzylem, just hold onto what you want and it will happen for you soon enough. Xx. Take care xx

[Wisewords]

Hello everyone- hope you have all had a good week. I have struggled somewhat all week. I can’t quite come to terms with how I allowed my ex husband treat me for all them years. I always knew he was verbally abusive as there was always name calling. Not all the time but enough to get me down. That’s what I find hard – it wasn’t all the time. I stuck up for him all the time. I never came first. Our family never came first. When we argued I was always a b***h, w***e, c——-, fridgid, butch looking lesbian. Just disgusting. At the time I used to brush it off but now I’ve got away, it seems to have magnified. I remember once I done something to upset him and he kicked me repeatedly at the back of my hip. The whole area around my but cheek and hip was black and purple for weeks. I left some clothes out of the wardrobe one and he went nuts and turned the bed upside down when I was lying in it and started hitting me with a stick. He also pushed me really hard against a wall twice and punched my back when in bed. This all happened years ago. I left a few times but ended up going back. The violence stopped but the mind games started and they went on for some years and the name calling never stopped. Then came the house rules – lists of them. If you didn’t adhere to them you knew all about it. I’m out of it now but it’s early days. I can’t get my head around why he is not remotely remorseful. There was no empathy ever. Is it normal for me to be feeling like this. My friend said I have been living with control for so long I don’t know how to live without it. Your advice and comments would be appreciated xx

[starqueen]

You are definitely not the one with the problem. This kind of behaviour can make you doubt yourself for sure, but it’s not you. If you’ve never read Living with the Dominator I can recommend it as I think a lot of the personas described fit his behaviour and it might help you make sense of some of the things you’ve been experiencing.

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