My story – Am I being abused

[Confusedorabused]

Hi,

I’m a new sign up to the forum and I’m hoping to get some outside opinions on my situation. My friend thinks I’m being abused, and I sometimes think maybe I am, but them I’m not so sure.

I have split from my partner, we have 2 kids together and I’ve managed to sort out a place for myself. However, communicating with him is an absolute nightmare. Every conversation gets turned around so that something is my fault, then it goes off topic and comes back to me leaving and breaking up a happy family (it was far from a happy family.) I had to be the on to leave as the house was (detail removed by moderator) so there was no option for me to stay in the house.

I left because of his anger and silent treatments. I was constantly on egg shells, worried about what was going to send him into a rage next. It was never physical violence, but he would storm off, slamming things, throwing boxes, slamming doors, muttering aggressively or giving me the silent treatment. It was a daily occurrence.

It could be anything, one time when I’d done tea, he literally just stood up, scraped the meal into the bin and then gave me the silent treatment all night. It could be I just forgot (detail removed by moderator) or something.

There were just lots of little things like this that always ended up in either the silent treatment or rage it could be anything. He would say horrible things to me, call me a b***h, a c*nt, say I was stupid and dumb, make me feel like everything I did was wrong. I really had no belief I was capable of doing anything. He even said that (detail removed by moderator) were so ungrateful for him that he may as well just kill himself.

Then there would be the housework. He wouldn’t do anything to help out. I’d be exhausted from looking after 2 kids, working part time and trying to sort the kids tea, do homework, get them bathed and into bed as well as keep the house clean. When I asked for help around the house I was told that he didn’t feel he should do any housework as he paid me a wage to do all the work. (referring to the fact he worked full time and put some money into a joint account – it turns out after talking to friends who got paid far less than him, that they put far more into a joint account than he did. They say he was massively undercutting me with the amount he shared with the family.)

When I asked for a lie in at the weekend he said (detail removed by moderator) and didn’t need a lie in, so I’d have to get up shattered.

After the first child he said he wanted another but I didn’t. He never helped out and I could see that with a 2nd child things were just going to get harder for me and I didn’t feel I could cope without the support. I was told to have another baby or leave. We lived in a house that was (detail removed by moderator) so if I left I was leaving with nothing. I ended up having another baby. My friend says this is one of the worst forms of abuse he’s ever heard, but I think I kind of agreed to it? He says I was coerced by the threat of being made to leave.

He would constantly ask for sex every night, even if we hadn’t spoken all day and I’d taken to sleeping in the spare room. I’d end up doing it occasionally even though I didn’t want to just to shut him up. He’d then criticise my performance and still end up angry anyway. My friend thinks this is at least borderline sexual assault. He says its coerced consent and is therefore not actually consent.

Since I’ve left everything with him is a struggle. On one (detail removed by moderator) I feel I was given no choice.

Then there’s things like (detail removed by moderator) He said if you want to sort them come round and we can do it together.

Another thing is he never makes a decision. He makes me make the decision and then criticises me for it after. An example is I was asking if he wanted them on (detail removed by moderator) He wouldn’t choose and made me decide. I said I will bring them back on the (detail removed by moderator). But when I dropped them off he complained about the state they’d turned up in, saying it was unacceptable because one of them was tired. This is one example, but there could be hundreds of situations like this.

He claims to be amicable but never actually agrees to anything. For example, he asked if he could have our eldest child on a (detail removed by moderator) while I kept the youngest so he could have quality time with the eldest. I said that’s a good idea, then next week you can do the same for me. I was met with an angry response, suggesting that the idea was really terrible and that there was no way he was doing it and made out it was all my fault.

He claims he has the kids best interests at heart but then doesn’t really follow this up. One time on swap over day, my eldest became ill about (detail removed by moderator) and went to bed. I messaged him to say (detail removed by moderator). Like I’d purposely made said child ill or something. I ended up having to drag the child out of bed sick and drop them off at his.

Anyway, sorry, this has been a long post but its just the tip of the iceberg really, theres lots more I could go on about. I’d love to hear some thoughts and I apologise for the lengthy post!!

[Shoop]

Hey,

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this I can only speak off my own personal experience but you’re definitely being emotionally manipulated by your ex, he seems like a horrible person and you really do not deserve that! The silent treatment is the worst I can imagine it sends you out of your mind at points. Seems like he’s still trying to hold onto that control now you have broken up by using your children as Amo. I hope you get the help you need and keep us updated stay safe xx

[Confusedorabused]

Thank you for responding to me. It’s funny how it seems obvious from the outside. I’ve read some other posts and things sound really bad, but when it’s happening to me it just feels normal I guess.

[PaintingByNumbers]

I am so sorry you’ve had to go through all this. It sounds similar in many ways to my experience and I’m still coming to terms with the fact that it was emotional abuse, and I’m your case, yes sexual abuse as you didn’t willingly consent…I really get the part about you feeling you agreed to stuff – I did too, but out of fear, to keep him calm, to keep him on side, to avoid confrontation…that’s not really agreement.

I’m really pleased you’ve managed to get out, but see it must be so hard with children involved. Personally I’d recommend only
Communicating in writing (emails/WhatsApp) as atleast you then have a record of converdations! 😘

[Confusedorabused]

Thank you so much for replying and the advice. Yes, it does appear I can get my head straight until I have communications with him. Then everything becomes blurred an I feel its my fault again.

[Camel]

Hi Confused,

You were horribly abused throughout your relationship and I think you’re amazing to have got out.

Although you’ve left him he’s still abusing you but in different ways. He’s using the children to maintain his control.

First off, stop the conversations. You don’t have to listen to him any more. His opinions don’t matter. Don’t get dragged into defending yourself. Just leave.

If you can, formalise times he will have the children. Set times and days and stick to them. Don’t let him alter arrangements unless there’s a very good reason, such as his family visiting.

Don’t agree to him only seeing the eldest. All he’s doing is making sure you have no free time of your own. Besides, it’s very hurtful of him to choose one child over the other.

Communicate by text or Whatsapp, as Painting says. You know there are ways to read Whatsapp messages without the sender knowing you’ve read them. This means you can control when you reply, if you feel you must. If he calls you, don’t answer. If it’s anything important he can message you. You don’t answer to him any more.

[Author]

Posts