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Wants to live with dad.
I am horrified, was yelled at by my teenager, absolutely horrific, dominating me, holding me by the wrists, stopping me from walking away, horrendous words, shouting at me, commanding me, the lot.
I ended up calling a friend to see if she would let me go over to hers.
Then on my return, had to do something and asked for help. My husband ended up treating pets with nastiness, can’t say more. I told him not to do what he did, gaslighting followed on, he didn’t want to acknowledge his lack of care and nasty gesture to pets.
He allows my teenager to watch horrific videos, full of violence, torture, sexual scenes etc. I am not allowed to moan and complain.
I have started private psychotherapy, no one knows. I am not well, I have lost all boundaries, all rights, all vision of a happy life.
My parents don’t help, dad is nasty and tells me not to bore my mom with my stories. I don’t call anymore, pointless as he dictates on the phone, controls my mom and listens to my conversations with her, she doesn’t even know how to switch off the speakerphone. We have no privacy. He wants me to stay in an abusive marriage.
I hate my husband, I can’t stop feeling like that. It’s awful. I am seen as intellectually inferior to him.
And now I feel I have lost my child, hitting at the core of what I am, a mum. Not content enough to have raped me, abused me, raged at me, drank to upset us all and the rest, my husband now wins our teenager. My friend tells me one day it will all click with my kids. They will all fathom it all out by themselves and realize it’s all abuse.
It’s soul destroying.
I am angry. -
I think it’s confusing when they see you interacting with their father. It makes them think the whole situation is normal. The best thing I ever did for my son was to go total no contact with his father. Have him arrested and banished from my life. Only then did it empower my son to do the same if he wished and to see that nobody should tolerate that kind of abuse and behaviour and that it’s ok to have no contact. To make this stand you need to work on removing yourself from the life of abuse.
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Hi KIP, I find that on a daily basis my role as a mother is spat on, I am treated as the crazy one, my husband offers zero support or makes absurd subtle or shocking comments, twists situations to make me look bad and it’s so hard to remain a good parent and work on discipline and politeness and personal development and achievements with what should be OUR dual support, instead he feeds them nonsense, he is so humiliating, he wins my kids especially the boys on HIS side and they consequently act as abusers themselves.
I have no freedom any more, no right to speak, explain, comment, react etc. Everything is turned against me. I worry for my children’s future if he is able to manipulate their minds that way.
All I can do is divorce and let the future take care of itself, hoping the seeds I planted in my kids’ hearts will flourish…
All this destroys my soul as a mum.
I feel so sad.
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hey hun
It is heart breaking, just a stage we have to go through and continuing reaching out for support, not sure if u r living with your husband again, just go no contact with him even whilst in the house if u r living with him, sadly children do pick on the negative vibes and how the abusers treat us and copy, all u can do is keep saying the behaviour is wrong
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Thank you Confused123, I feel great comfort knowing some people understand. I had a long chat with a co-worker who experienced the same years ago, she said her kids thought their dad was wonderful. Now they hate him, they see him for who he really is. They have little contact with him.
It’s the pain I find difficult to handle, seeing my children copy him indeed. I constantly have to stay positive reminding myself it’s hopefully a phase and as my kids grow up more they will realize.
No contact is definitely the way, and unfortunately I am back with my husband…i cannot afford renting.
Thank you for your support.
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Not sure what happened there lol
it sounds like you have little family support and I only hope that the children will understand one day, I don’t know how old your son is but to watch awful stuff like that is just so totally wrong, I suppose it makes them look COOL ‘sigh’I say to myself daily, the truth always comes out in the end.
Take care xx
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hey hun
Hope u feeling a bit better today, can only imagine how hard it must be for u having to live with your husband again, from experince of ladies i know due to their own personal reasons that they cant leave alli can do is support u by listenign to u and guide u with techniques to cope with them. You have to mentally make yourself so strong, the hardest bit is blanking them totally when they are rude. I went through a stage when i left ex, my son showed me very rude behaviour, i continously told him i did not approve of the behaviour, not that he listened, in the end i used to say to him if u continue to behave rudely i wil blank u totally and give u no reaction, he was told this when he was calm and when he did kick of i used to do exactly that, that really made him reflect that he had to be polite, wheras u have a scenario of kids been rude or hubby being rude and making inaprropriate comments, well he too gets no response at all , u are not going to lower yourself to his standards, talkign to him is a waste of time and his actions reflect him not u , hope that helps u
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I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing this, I feel your pain. This is my biggest fear. I’m currently holding back on doing anything as my teenager is entering (detail removed by moderator) and I don’t want to disrupt exams. My teenager has said that they would stay with dad if they felt there was no reason to leave. E.g. If they didn’t feel unsafe themselves why should they go. This hurt massively as it’s my only child who idolises their father. They recognise what he’s doing to me isn’t. Normal but being a teenager has taken an I’m alright Jack attitude I think and let’s face it why would they want to leave a lovely home with sky tv wifi etc in their bedroom to move in with their grandparents, that’s just how a teen would think? I refuse to live without my child why should I be punished more. Like you I can only hope that our seeds of love overcome but it’s so hard. He has already done a piece of work on our child always ganging up against me, croticising all sorts mums a rubbish cook etc anything to poke fun at me make me out to be the lesser parent even though it’s me that does everything for the them domestically as well as work full time and I know all the school dates, parents eves, trips etc which no one else bothers about. Yet my role as a mother is diminished by him. When it’s just my teen and I we get on fabulously but when they’re together they gang up on me. I worry if I left he would do more damage and turn my teen against me. My teen also says if he left me they’d stay with me and if I left him theyd stay with him as that’s only fair! At nearly (detail removed by moderator) I’m led to believe my teen can make their own decisions but I can’t risk that. It’s such a horrible place to be isn’t it.
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Ruby, it was my teenager that kept me in my dysfunctional abusive relationship with his father my husband. My ex was arrested and forced out of the marital home by police and courts. I recorded his final assault. Have you considered getting your husband removed using the civil court? Or reporting him to the police after gathering evidence? I thought exactly like you do. Why should I leave my son. In reality your son is already an adult and could easily leave and live on his own fairly soon. It’s the most horrendous pain but sometime we just have to let them make their own decisions. My ex moved our son out just to re traumatise me. What teenager is going to say no to his dad paying his rent on his own flat. So you see, there are no depths these monsters will stoop to. My advice is to free yourself and show your child what true courage is and that he too can achieve and has choices in life. Not to stay in an unhappy relationship. Good luck x
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I have a teenager who’s being very teenagey right now. Thankfully his dad doesn’t live with us tho. I’ve had the ‘I’m going to live at dad’s! And I hate you’! However he’s now realised that dad’s a waste of space and energy. Hasn’t seen him in three months. I’m still getting fowl moods and cheek from my son but you know what? He doesn’t bring his dad into the equation anymore. So I suppose I’m just getting the Terrible teens. He’s so lovely to me at other times.
My point is he has now lost all faith in his dad since I told the dad to leave. I’m now completely no contact and it suits me. So I suppose what I’m trying to say is think about yourself, leave or get him to leave. Once you get yourself into a position of control then the rest is easier to deal with. It sounds like they don’t realise or at least appreciate your contribution to your family. I’d go on strike or better still get out x
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Thanks for your advice KIP. Sounds like you had a tough time hopefully I’ll get to be as strong in time. I don’t have any evidence so far he’s never physically assaulted me. He’s punched and kicked other things but I’ve not got evidence of this other than a hole in the airing cupboard door on the inside where his fist went that no one else can see. He could say that was damaged by anything. I’m keeping notes of what he says to me but I’ve no filmed evidence.
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