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    • #66317
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      I know she is. There are too many red flags. And the very fact that I am questioning whether she is one is for me reason enough to drop her.
      I have quite a few examples, which I’ll mention but first I want to tell how it makes me all feel. It makes me feel depressed to find out that one more person in my life is a n*. A malignant one at that. I just feel cursed. I am fed up with these types of people because they are all the same! They all want the same thing. Exploiting others. Controlling others.
      I find it exasperating! and darn boring too.

      So let me go to the red flags or uncomfortable things I experienced with her.
      At the beginning I find her impressive due to her knowledge about depression and the human mind. That’s what made me choose her.
      After few sessions, she started to compliment me on my physical appearance, the way I dress, I felt analised and uncomfortable because it reminded me how I got the same treatment with my abuser in the beginning. Then she asked who do I chat with when I was busy on my phone in the waiting room, this is none of her business but trained as I am to respond politely I answered her question. She also tells me how I should feel, like I should feel anger towards my abuser and the entire system that put me into the position I am in today. She only ever talks about anger, not sadness or any other feelings but essentially she dismisses what I am saying and tell me what I ‘should’ feel! She also asks me if I don’t feel guilty about it. Since I know now that anger is the main emotion of abusers and guilt one of the tools they use, I suspect her to try to manipulate me into feeling those things.

      Then the biggest no-go that basically sealed it for me, she made an administrative mistake and didn’t apologised for it at all, didn’t attempt to correct it, instead put the responsibility on me to deal with it. It was about a bill for the sessions which she should have sent directly to my insurance company but had send to me instead. I told her that it had to go directly to the insurance company. Instead of apologising for it and rectifying the error, she dismissed me and told me to just pay the bill myself this once. She knows exactly that I don’t earn much, being on benefits and that I have to pay off my debts each month but even so the most important is that my insurance covers these kind of bills! I found it extremely insulting that she would ask me to pay for them myself.
      As I suspect her to be a n*, I didn’t express my anger to her, I started my grey rock phase straight after that incident, going to the session, dealing with this paper work in a business-like manner, not showing any kind of feelings at all and slowly decreasing the numbers of sessions until I stop seeing her.

      So there. The luck to of course have my therapist being a n* is just one in a mille, I feel like this huge n* magnet and I am really fed up with it. I got angry, then I got really scared, then depressed, then just plain bored with having to deal with another one of those manipulative people.
      But I deal with it and move on.
      Moving on to better days, for better things in my life. Yes!

      Thank you for listening. Wishing you a nice weekend.

    • #66320
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear HopeLifeJoy

      My first thought is how awful for you, and immediately after that you can drop her without explanation (another one part of our training!). Particularly as you will also have to claim on your insurance for them

      I would go further and report her if you feel up to it. All that you said made me feel very uncomfortable and imagine others experience of her who cannot make the distinctions her her behaviours that you have managed to do.

      I hope you find someone good.

      Where can any of us go to find the right counselling? Doesnt WA have a list or do DA accredited training for counsellors, as I would want to look out for that.

      Warmest wishes ts

    • #66333
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      I’m horrified for you. How dare this woman, (woman ,she doesn’t deserve to be recognised as one,I’m insensed at her behaviour to you).
      As TS states you dont owe her any reason why you’re no longer using her services and i totally agree, report her, she’ll most likely try to wriggle out of it,but she needs reporting just as much as our male abusers do.
      I really cant believe my reaction to your post, wow. I think its because shes a woman and as such should show more empathy towards other woman. God i dont know what im trying to say….
      I too hope you find someone better
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #66343
      fizzylem
      Participant

      So sorry to read this, sadly its never straight forward finding the right support and it can take a while to get it in place – from a number of places. I’ve been in and out of therapy for years, the cost and how the therapist deals with this is very telling to me, I’ve vetoed a few therapists simply because they appeared to be too on the money and more interested in this than in my recovery and well-being, any good therapist, and they are out there, certainly wouldn’t do what this one has done. I agree, she needs reporting if you feel you could, if she is BACP or UKCP registered this can be done really easily with a phone call, letter or email – did she tell you or give you any paperwork that told you which governing body she is in?

      You dont need to tell her you dont plan to go back nor pay for a service you are totally dissatisfied with.

      When I’m choosing a therapist, I see a few before making a decision, if you go to the BACP website they have information on how to choose a therapist which is a helpful guide. When we find the right therapist, when there is a good therapeutic match, it increases the chance for success. Please dont give up, as professional help can be invaluable when it is the right kind of help and crucial for women like us as we need to develop and grow to heal and arm ourselves – to become who we are, stronger and free.

    • #66350
      maddog
      Participant

      I feel your pain, HopeLIfeJoy. So many therapists are just b****y awful. They do not seem to follow the same ideas as medically trained people in Do No Harm. I spoke to one in particular about my ex. I felt her quickly moving into therapy mode and she asked me if I wanted to see her on my own (and pay through the nose for it). I was livid! She had caused more problems than I could shake a stick at. Many therapists say they can cope with issues that they can’t cope with. This one seemed to want only to protect herself.

      There are some fantastic people out there. Then there are the others.

    • #66360
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi there,

      I’m sorry to hear about the negative experience you have had with a therapist. You have every right to make a complaint as she has not worked with you in a ethical way.

      If a local domestic abuse service offers counselling services, therapists they employ should have had domestic abuse training or relevant experience. I would suggest speaking to your local domestic abuse service.

      I’m not sure how you found this therapist but counselling directory lists private therapists and you can search for therapists that work with domestic abuse.

      Best Wishes,

      Lisa

    • #66833
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Thank you kindly for your support.
      I am not doing well. I suffer from a lot of anxiety. I am devastated that the one person who is supposed to be supportive is manipulating me and trying to dominate me. It is suffocating and I try to get away but I am too afraid. They say keep your friends close but your enemy closer. That’s exactly how I feel. I feel less scared to be in touch with her and think of an exit strategy then to abruptly stop contact. I am very afraid of being harassed.

      She was the sit in during the vacation of my previous therapist, that’s how I found her, she is not trained in domestic abuse. If I am up for it I’ll contact my local DA center here, I don’t live in the UK, but they have a similar list of specialist therapist…I should have done that right from the start. Now I don’t want to go back to any therapy. It is been a little bit of a sour experience for me.

      My way out of therapy with her I think will be to job hunt. That way I show that I am back on my feet therefore don’t need therapy anymore. It will look like she did a great job and she will be placated not offended that I leave.

      I am unhappy as well to loose money because of the mistake she did with the invoice. My insurance will reimburse me but through this extra step it will be after the due date of the invoice. I have asked her a second time to put a stop to her invoice until I can pay it but she won’t do it. I told myself to let it go, I will pay the additional fees due to late payment, it is just easier to loose money than to continue arguing with her.
      Since she is making me loose money I’ve decided to make her loose money too and I was brave enough to cancel coming appointment.

      I am not sure if I’ll ever return to her practice, I hope to find a job so I have an excuse not to go there anymore.

    • #66862
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Well done for cancelling your appointment. You’ve fought back in a little way but its important for us to do that, no matter how little. Mine was to put the toilet roll on the’ wrong way ‘😀 good luck in finding someone new to talk with. I too have recently asked my dr to forward me for counselling now.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #66875
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Thank you IWMB, you made me smile with the toilet roll put on backwards 🙂
      I am good at loving, very good but not at all at fighting. And one has to follow their strength to move on don’t they.
      I wish you the best of luck with finding a good therapist.

    • #66876

      HEllo there,
      If you can and this therapist is a member of the BAcP or the BACP (you can google it). I really do recommend you make a complaint through their complaints procedure. good luck
      ftc
      x

    • #67252
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi HopeLifeJoy,

      I wanted to respond to this because I’m going through the exact same thing. I got strong n**c vibes from my therapist at the first meeting but I couldn’t believe it because I’ve already met several other therapists this past year who were all wrong for one reason or another (ie. not trained in abuse for example).

      So I really REALLY needed this therapist to be good, trained, kind, empathetic. I had such high hopes. I couldn’t believe that I’d be that unlucky to get a n**c because most of my life’s problems have been caused by being around these types of people.

      Clues were things like how she would have this ‘poor you’ fake expression on her face then suddenly change and giggle about something. It felt ‘off’ and not sincere. I’ve had therapy before and if they looked concerned I never felt they weren’t being genuine, their actions matched their expressions.

      Other signs were how I kept feeling like she was looking down on me, and patronising me. She also said something quite unpleasant very casually at the end of one session and referred to other clients at the practice as ‘other ones’ like we were not even people. She found out I wasn’t happy and cornered me into telling her why and then bullied me into further sessions by saying nobody else was available to help so it was either her or nobody.

      She also seemed to lack empathy and I always felt like she was implying that overall the bad things in my life were my fault with a sort of ‘yeah you were abused, who really cares, now what’ vibe.

      I felt stuck because I had no other therapy options and she made me feel like my issues with her were my own issues but it’s very clear now I was right all along, as usual. I have finally ended therapy, what a massive relief. I am angry that I ever gave her the time of day. She’s a (Detail removed by Moderator) and it sickens me to know she’s working in a place where women have experienced trauma and will be expecting to her to be kind and have empathy. It’s like these people have infiltrated everything. You always have to be on your guard for them and always go with your gut.

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