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    • #129782
      Neueranfang
      Participant

      I’ve been out of my (detail removed by Moderator) yr relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) months now and I am trying to understand why my Ex partner behaved the way he did.
      Is he a n********t?If so, are n********ts able to change and how do people get n********tic personality disorder?My head tells me he will never be able to change.My heart still wants him.I’m abroad at the moment with my kids.Far away from my abusive Ex and with my family but I’m still so sad.I’m free but is it freedom I want?I wanted him and our relationship and our family.I don’t want to be a single mum, having to start all over again when I’m quite capable of having a healthy relationship.But unfortunately he isn’t and I am being denied my family and my happiness.I cannot see myself with anyone else ever.It just doesn’t seem fair.

    • #129784
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Hi Neueranfang, I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling. It sounds like your feelings are dragging you in different directions. It must be so painful and confusing.

      I’m afraid the short answer is that he may or may not be a n********t, but whether he is or not, he is very unlikely to change. Evidence shows that it is very rare for abusers to change.

      Have you read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft? I think he talks about personality disorders and other mental health conditions. The book explains how abuse is all about the need for control. When I understood that, my ex’s behaviour all made sense, whereas trying to understand his behaviour through the eyes of someone ‘normal’ made no sense at all.

      I think people use the term n********t quite loosely, and often use it to describe people who are not n********ts but share some behaviours. When I was wondering the same about my ex, I read that many abusers do not have any form of personality disorder but lots do. Abusers who are not n********ts do share a lot of tactics with n********ts so it’s not always easy to tell the difference. For all types of abuser, the abuse is about getting and maintaining control.

      My understanding is that when something is a called disorder, it is considered a permanent condition. I don’t think the cause of n********tic personality disorder is well understood. It is possible to manage personality disorders BUT it is only possible if the person with the disorder wants to and undertakes the treatment. n********ts think everybody else is the problem, so it is very unlikely that a n********t will undertake treatment, especially to the extent that would be needed to manage the condition for the rest of their life. They are also very likely to pretend that they’re managing their condition to hoover you back in.

      An abuser without a personality disorder is driven by the need to control his partner and the belief that he is entitled to force his partner to meet his needs through whatever he thinks is necessary. Changing such a deep rooted belief requires the person to want to change and to put a lot of hard work in over a long period of time. That’s why it is very rare for abusers to change.

      I understand that you want to know whether he is a n********t or not to help make sense of things. But the reality is that it makes little, if any, difference to his ability to have a healthy relationship. The fact is that he believes his treatment of you is ok. He is not interested in a mutually respectful relationship or a genuinely happy family, he is interested in controlling you with a terror campaign.

      Have you read about trauma bonds? Abuse creates trauma bonds, which means you feel an attachment to your abuser like an addiction – very intense but not healthy. It is hard to break free but it is possible. I had mostly broken the trauma bond with my ex by the time I left, but others on here can give advice on how to do it after you’ve left. Try to stay strong. Sending love xxxx

    • #129786
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      n********ts are a persona of a real person there’s different reasons why they are that way if you mean the extreme type it could be severe child abuse ( in my sister and m**s case) but I genuinely believe there’s a genetic component too also not given adequate boundaries growing up and being entitled to everything gives them an attitude of I can do what’s want no consequences I’m above attitude some people can end up that way through living around or growing up with people that way but it has been shown that n.p.d brains have empathy deficits similar to psychopaths , the more dangerous types have anti social personality disorder thrown in but they’re both part of the cluster b disorders I was raised in an upbringing of them but fortunately im empath so I’m not that way, either way I’m so glad your out it’s really hard to get out of long term relationship let alone a long therm abusive one, here’s to you 🥂 by god you deserve it , use the time for your healing and not on a seriously dysfunctional human being, education is essential but self focus and healing are vital ⭐️💛⭐️

    • #129831
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Neueranfang,

      Thank you for sharing with us; I hope it is helping to post your thoughts on here.

      Women’s Aid believes that domestic abuse is a gendered crime and is about power and control. A lot of women believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, their partner might have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), n**********c personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality).

      While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse. If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers.

      Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners.

      If your ex-partner has a mental illness and was abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviours need to be handled separately by the abusive person. It is the abusive person’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behaviour.

      If your ex-partner is not owning up to their actions, is not admitting to how much they hurt you, and is not seeking out professional help then that’s a sign that your ex-partner isn’t willing to change.

      Even if your ex-partner does have a mental illness, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner.

      Keep posting to us when you can, we are here for you.

      Take care,

      Lisa

    • #130045
      Neueranfang
      Participant

      Thank you ladies 🙏🏻

    • #130527
      Cyberblonde
      Participant

      I just recently read a book on Narcisists and it was very helpful to see the traits – I didn’t realise my ex was a narc until I spoke to his first wife and she said he put her through the same thing.

      There is also lots on the Dark triad which links it to sociopathic behaviour and Machiavellian traits.

      Just know it is not you.

      The books say most true narcs would never identify as one and will deflect any negative behaviour as someone elses fault.

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