N********t

[Missmadge]

I’m very confused after hearing the man I love who beat me in a rage called a (detail removed by moderator) and an emotional abuser.yes I’m not denying he’s a man who beat me but are all men who do this (detail removed by moderator) and is it possible we were both abusive.From day one I was very controlling of him and him me.Is it possible to emotional abusers can get together I’m not absolving him in anyway it’s just I’m a very controlling possessive person too with BPD.I suppose we were doomed from the start.I just constantly read that the one who doles out the DV is to the one at fault and that I’m the “victim” and I am but Is it possible I’m abusive too,for example I belittled him,controlled what he wore,what he spent his money on,called his family names(including his baby neice),got jealous if all his attention didn’t go on me.Basically what I’m saying is I’m no Lilly white and knew exactly how to wind him up and push his buttons.sorry for the rant x

[dustypink]

Hi,
we all are not perfect.
The difference is that abusers NEVER think they are wrong, they never talk to themselves, never thinks they are the reason.
So you are not abusive )
You are controling and manipulating him because you are scared, this helps you to feel safer a little bit, but definately is not you have to do.
Really good book to read (detail removed by moderator), helped me to cut my controlling patterns and understand the reasons why I got into abusive relationship twice.

[Missmadge]

Yes he was never wrong ever but I was jealous and possessive from the day we met as was he,we both got issues I know that much,thankyou for posting x

[still here]

Why does it have to be black and white? If you recognise aspects of your own behaviour were unacceptable then you can change that or you can decide that being in a relationship is not good for you at this moment in time. Domestic abuse relates to a particular pattern or behaviour which is about power and control where one person takes control and victimises the other. I can suffer with depression. When I feel myself going ‘down’ I can panic and I find myself fighting not to slip down further. Sometimes I’ve had to apologise or explain to people to just leave me alone because I’m struggling to cope because I can feel myself going down again. I’m not trying to control someone, but it could seem that i’m being controlling because when you feel you are losing control of your mental health you will fight to hang onto it. What i’ve noticed though is that i’m very good at keeping myself well, but the stress of being around someone who is constantly belittling or abusing me makes it so much harder. It becomes difficult to tell what the battle actually is. That’s why you ask if you are the abusive one. There’s something to be said for understanding about co-dependency (also fear, obligation and guilt ‘FOG’) and how it becomes difficult to separate people and form a view of who causes what in a relationship. You could look at your behaviour and decide it was abusive. Then you could look for causes; your own insecurities must originate from somewhere. Then you can look at your partner’s behaviour. You can identify if it is abusive. You can at least realise that you are in a complicated abusive relationship. You say you have BPD and I don’t know alot about this, but I can imagine that it must be particularly difficult for you, and enough for you to deal with, without being in the midst of an abusive relationship. Because of my experience as a woman, I would look to see what you write from your perspective, and that doesn’t mean I’m trying to claim you are the victim and he is the perpetrator. It just means that I see your side of it and would say whether I thought you were being abused. Helping yourself means helping one person first. Perhaps you feel guilty about that. Guilt and fear can be very debilitating. So you may want to acknowledge your own behaviour first, but don’t fail to minimise what you are also suffering because of someone else. In situations of domestic abuse it happens that the abuser works quite hard to create feelings of guilt and responsibility in the person they are abusing. They find a small seed of guilt and they magnify it. Your behaviour is used against you. You said an unkind thing because you feel insecure in this relationship and now it proves your guilt. But its a chicken and egg situation isnt it. The man who abuses me never misses a trick to put me down. Everything good I ever thought about myself he tried to steal off me, and appropriate for himself. You say you knew how to wind him up. Were you winding him up for a laugh or was that you trying to fight back, to keep that sense of yourself alive? My experience of abuse was that he tried to destroy me from the inside.

[Author]

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