12th February 2021 at 10:15 am #121551
It will be (detail removed by Moderator) weeks (detail removed by Moderator) since I did a moonlight flit while he was at work……. not the way I wanted to leave my home, the one I own with a man I spent (detail removed by Moderator) years with, but it was the only way I could do it.
I am in a new relationship, again, not what I planned or even wanted really, I wanted some time alone, but it happened and I finally realised maybe I could be happy and surely it was worth a try….. it really was the driving force to get me out, I didn’t want to give up on even the smallest hope of happiness anymore. And while I had been telling my ex for the last (detail removed by Moderator) months I didn’t consider us to be in a relationship anymore, he used to tell me to stop being stupid, of course we were together……. and if I hadn’t left when I did, I don’t believe I ever would have done, I always had a bad habit of backing down just to keep the peace.
So here I am (detail removed by Moderator) weeks later…… Happy, No, but definitely getting there and with some fantastic support. My new relationship, he doesn’t always understand, but he tries and accepts. My ex always threatened suicide if I left and at least once a day I check to see he has been on whatsapp or facebook, not because I want to talk to him, but Because if he has been online I know he is alive. my new partner struggles with this, he thinks I should just block him, and he is just bluffing………. and deep down, I know, he is right, but I can’t…….. JUST IN CASE.
Having said that though, as I said, while my new partner sometimes struggles to understand, he is very supportive, and never complains, he just leaves me to do what I need to.
My ex partner and I own a property together, he is still in the property, the mortgage is joint, but I am the only one paying it……. it was that way long before I left. I have told him to keep the house, sell whatever I don’t want a thing, I will move on and start again. but he won’t co-operate, and why would he? he knows I won’t let the mortgage default because I want to start again, if the mortgage defaults it will be 7 years before I am eligible for another, and I am too old to mess around……….. and he knows this
He has refused to pay bills for so long, I have run up lots of credit card debt just trying to put food on the table, so I have that to worry about too.
Additionally after I caught him cheating on me, I got a “guilt present” (I had a few of these over the years) a mobile phone, I did not want it, but he insisted and I had no energy to argue. Now the phone has been cut off, I have tried to contact him to sort out me paying the bill (the network won’t speak to me because it is in his name), but he won’t engage. I am now going to package the phone up and send it back to him, I offered to pay the contract, I cannot do anymore and I am not having him accuse me of taking something that is contracted to him. it is no big deal really, I will sort another this weekend, but I feel like it is just another attempt at control.
I know I did what I needed to and I feel better for it………… and yet still feel c****y, I hope this passes soon. next step solicitors letter, I know that will be “fun” but I cannot wait to finally close the door on this last, dreadful decade.
12th February 2021 at 11:04 am #121555
Hi, before sending the phone back make sure it’s completely wiped and your number is no longer available. He can do a lot of damage with your contacts and information in that phone. I’m afraid youre in for an uphill battle here. My advice is to get a solicitor who has experience of domestic abuse. Talk to the mortgage company too. The court will probably have to force the sale of the house which will be expensive but you could pay for the legal bills out of any equity. Any if he won’t cooperate then his part of any equity can also be used for legal bills. Try to stop checking his social media. He’s not your responsibility and I’m not sure if he can see that you’re checking it. It also keeps you hooked in and I can understand why you’re new partner doesn’t like it. I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy with him checking up on his ex wife. Stay safe x
12th February 2021 at 11:23 am #121558
You are absolutely right, I completely understand why my new partner is not happy. it is time I blocked my ex, and I do it purely because he has threatened suicide so many times, I have even had the police out when he has taken a knife to his wrists when I have tried to leave before. of course his injuries were superficial and I know my new partner is right when he says my ex is bluffing, but it is just the sense of guilt on my part, even though I know I shouldn’t.
I definitely wont send the phone back until I have a new one, everything is transferred and the phone will be restored to factory settings…… I learnt that lesson when I managed to wipe photos of my bruises and lost them all together, I am very careful with my data now.
I have a legal aid solicitor, they have said I will probably have to pay if it goes to court and at this point they can only write letters on my behalf, and hope he engages, I know fine well he won’t and it will be a court situation, but…….. I don’t care how much it costs, I will find away of making it work. I am just in utter disbelief I finally did it, and while I can’t say I am exactly happy, I am getting there, and I feel safe and loved and I know that very soon the real happiness will follow, I just need to break all ties with my ex
………. I should probably start by not checking up on him, like you say he is not my responsibility
12th February 2021 at 11:48 am #121560
Yes it’s those coercive bonds that kept you with him so long. As you say he’s threatened before and is still alive. My advice is not to waste time with letters back and forth. What a waste I went through. You know he’s going to drag this out so I’d get a court date as soon as possible. That will focus his mind. With the pandemic there may be a long wait and you want this over with ASAP. He’s living there rent free so why should he be in a rush. Make sure your name is off all the bills at that address because you can bet he will be running them up in your name too if he can x
12th February 2021 at 11:49 am #121561
There’s a charity I follow called surviving economic abuse. They have a website now so check it out x
12th February 2021 at 1:03 pm #121570
I will look at that thank you. I am going down the legal aid route, so I have to follow what they say, and so far they are telling me they will start with letters, I agree a waste of time, but right now I cannot afford to take him to court without the legal aid. they said I may have to pay, if it goes to court(when more like!) but that I would have to pay back rather than find it upfront, I don’t want more debt but I am between a rock and a hard place right now.
but otherwise, I have got my name off all other household bills, so that is one positive!!
But thanks for the advice I will have a look at their website xx
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