Tagged: agressive behaviour, mistrust, paranoia
- This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 months, 2 weeks ago by Reallyconfused.
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21st April 2024 at 7:59 pm #168028Find-inner-peaceParticipant
Hi everyone,
I am going through a rollercoaster of emotions. After an event that happened about * days ago. Today, the sadness is intense but mostly I have questions. I want to comprehend what happened because I am doubting of myself. I need a reality check.
About (detail removed by moderator) ago, I meant someone in (detail removed by moderator). He seemed really confident, nice and attentive to me. We get in relationship really quickly, although I was reluctant at the beginning. I was healing from a breakup and needed space to build my sense of self-worth, it wasn’t the right time. Eventually, I gave in and committed to this new relationship because it was going well.
At the early stage of the relationship, he was already planning life project as a couple. Emitting ideas to live together in our own flat, or expressing his desire to have a baby with me. It was really intense. For my part, everything was going too fast, after only (detail removed by moderator) of dating, I was sceptical. But his traits of character charmed me. He seemed really passionate, spontaneous and decisive.
He loves giving advice on how and where I should invest my money in, what movies or books I should read, what clothes I should chuck away from my wardrobe. He cares about me and wants the best for me. I am thankful. He occasionally mocks my choices when my decisions do not aligned with its values or beliefs. It vexes me at times, but It’s okay he has strong opinions on things and I do have too. We can’t agree on everything.
He knows that I maintain good friendship with my ex but doesn’t like the idea. He has nothing to fear but I don’t want him to feel bad. Therefore, I decide to avoid interacting with my friend. What really matter for me it’s to build a strong, honest and healthy relationship.
He gets jealous sometime and asks whether if I am attracted to random people on the street or his friend. I don’t see any harm, it’s fine to show a bit of jealousy in a relationship. However, I don’t want conflict so to make sure that my action won’t be misinterpreted, I stop making eye contact with his friend.
Every month for our anniversary, I receive flowers. He is so affectionate, I feel so lucky. Other times, it is a silent treatment. I do not look into it too much because I presume that he had a bad day. He has his issues, as he says.
I am the women of his life, his everything. He hopes we will spend the rest of our lives together. Other days, he thinks that we are not a match then apologised. He truly loves me, but he has problems that he needs to deal with. I want to support him in his time of need, I don’t want to end the relationship.
Silent treatments are more frequent, and it sometimes feels like my presence disturbs. But again he has his worries, and he is a man as he said, he can’t be happy all the time.
He doesn’t trust anybody, nor even his friends, he said. He wants to know me on a deeper level. I do not open up easily, but I want to gain his trust, so I try. I reveal my childhood and how domestically violent was my father. I put my trust in him.
I try to do better, but it’s never enough. He doesn’t trust me and repeats recurrently that he doesn’t know who I am.
Going on holidays can be challenging due to his jealousy and his mood swings. He convinced himself once that I was flirting with the (detail removed by moderator). If I fail to adhere to his instructions, he may exhibit rapid irritation and call me “stupid woman”.
On the other hand, he always praises me, how much I am a wonderful woman and how lucky he is to have me in his life. He cares of me when I get sick. He is protective.
Sadly, his distrust grows ever great over time. He is persuaded that I lie to him.
According to him, we have met in the past and he remembers. I find it strange, but I don’t dismiss the possibility. From my end, I have no recollection of it. I never met him at the place or during the time frame he describes, still he is convinced. I am not sure what to think of it and move on.
Soon after, new stories from the past popped up. He remembers seeing me (detail removed by moderator) with a man many years before we met. This story sounds nothing like me. Again, I try to wrap my head around it. It’s not making sense. He is sure that it was me, there is no doubt about it for him, because the lady had the exact same (detail removed by moderator) as me. At that stage, I start to wonder. I am now in the position where I have to justify my actions / intentions from the present and from a past that I have never been a part of. It looks like his past haunts him. He doesn’t want to talk and remains evasive about it. He is not ready he says.
He smokes c******* and for a long time I thought it was occasional. I am starting to think if this doesn’t have a correlation with his behaviour. I am not judging but I encourage him to quit. He agrees and says that he will do it for me, but I reply that he must do it for himself first.
The accusations become more and more persistent. He thinks that I am cheating on him. He has this bad feeling, he says, and he trusts his gut. He calls me many times a day and If I don’t answer he uses the silent treatment or gets annoyed : “(detail removed by moderator)”, “you’re really busy”.
When he sees a new object in my room, he wants to know where it came from. He thinks that I didn’t buy it, but that someone gave it to me. So I provide him with receipts and screenshots. Yet, my explanations are never good enough. In his words: “(detail removed by moderator)”.
Things are getting worse and worse. He keeps calling me. He wants me to admit that I cheated on him. He thinks he knows because one night he came in my room, and I was (detail removed by moderator) during my sleep. For him, the only rational explanation was that someone was with me. For several days, he harassed me with questions about it. These intrusive thoughts about me cheating seems to consume him. I want to offer my help to ease his fears. We agree to work together on this, but the accusations do not cease.
I feel exhausted and drained. I want him to give me some space, but he refuses, knocks over my (detail removed by moderator) and leaves. Then comes back to discuss again, the door is left a few inch ajar, and he prevents me to close it with his foot. I finally get to have my evening to myself after a long conversation.
Despite my efforts, the situation continues to be the same if not worst as now he calls me names “You’re a b**** and you’re disgusting“.
I can’t take it any more. I am sad and I burst into tears. With a heavy heart, I go to his room to put an end to our relationship. He needs to work on himself and I need to find my balance. Surprisingly, he seems okay with it. That same evening, we keep talking normally. He checks on me a couple of times before going (detail removed by moderator).
In the midst of the night, I hear a loud noise. It sounds like someone is hitting the wall. I open my eyes and I see (detail removed by moderator). My (detail removed by moderator), he’s holding them so tight. I am pinned on the bed, unable to move. “(detail removed by moderator)” “(detail removed by moderator)” he says. I am shocked and keep saying that I didn’t do anything. He releases my (detail removed by moderator). I stand up and move to the other side of bed, he is facing me. He wants answers, he wants me to tell the truth. I say that I have always been loyal to him. He pushes me, I fall on the floor. I am scared. I (detail removed by moderator) around me like a shield. I want to leave the room, but the door is locked, and he stands in front of it.
He begs me to speak, but I am petrified, I don’t feel safe. There is a (detail removed by moderator) on my (detail removed by moderator), I am afraid he could use it as a weapon. My instinct tells me to stand in front of it to prevent him to reach it. He is agitated. He walks nervously back and forth across the room. He checks my (detail removed by moderator) and my room frenetically. He asks where my phone is: “(detail removed by moderator)”. He is frustrating and starts to throw one of my belongings (detail removed by moderator). “Why? Why are you doing it to me?” he says. He sits on the edge of my bed, then act disgusted and stands up again. “I trusted you” he says. He (detail removed by moderator). I feel anxious, and I want to leave the room. I tell him to (detail removed by moderator). He seems willing to go, but quickly after changes his mind.
I try to mute my emotions, but I shed some tears, he says that I (detail removed by moderator). He wants we to go (detail removed by moderator). I don’t want him to get upset, so I do what he wants. I have a hard time to assess the situation. I am trying to figure out if I can go (detail removed by moderator). He is calmer. I stay to keep him company. (detail removed by moderator) or more elapsed since I am (detail removed by moderator), I am tired. He seems to falling asleep, but I am afraid to move. Finally, he allows me to go and says sorry. If all of this happens, it’s because he loves me. I don’t want him to feel betrayed, so before leaving, I let him know that (detail removed by moderator). He is okay with that.
I am (detail removed by moderator) now, he is back knocking on my door. I don’t respond and don’t want to talk, he insists. So I text him and remind him that he agreed that I could go (detail removed by moderator). He gets mad, he writes that “(detail removed by moderator)”, that if I were (detail removed by moderator).
The following morning, all his belongings (detail removed by moderator) have disappeared. I receive a text to remind me how disgusting I am. The evening I receive a second message: “(detail removed by moderator)”.
For two days, I was emotionally paralysed. I couldn’t speak, feel, nor cry. The third day, all my emotions burst out. I cried and couldn’t breathe. I was drained, sad and confused. I didn’t want to call my relative or friends. I was desperate to have answers, so I called him. I said I was confused about what happened the previous night and that he scared me. He said he was scared too and sad after what I did to him and needed space from me(detail removed by moderator). The following days he called me to (detail removed by moderator).
The fact he doesn’t acknowledge what happened distress me and make me doubt of myself. He said he didn’t do anything. I don’t know if it is safe to stay in the house any more. In his mind, I am the one who hurt. He also think that I am spying in the house. Is he genuine when he check on me? I can’t even talk to the landlord because they are good friends. Most of the people living in the house are his friends. Am I overreacting ?
Thanks in advance for any advice or suggestions in this situation.
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21st April 2024 at 9:22 pm #168031lover of no contactParticipant
Welcome to the Forum Find-Inner-Peace,
You are definitely in the right place. You are hundred per cent not reacting. You have been abused so badly by him. However sadly he’s not unique, he has all the abusive patterns of a hard-core abuser.He sounds very dangerous. He terrified you and got pleasure out of your terror. Please keep coming back here and reading the posts and posting all your feelings on here will help you make sense of it. You’re definitely not overreacting. Abusers can put on their mask to others that’s why your flatmates think he’s a nice guy. He’ll probably make out he’s the victim to them and smear you to them, that’s the way they operate. Please use as many supports as you can. Post on here and also use the live chat on here. You have been through a very traumatic ordeal. To cope we tend to minimize rather than over react. Also it’s very confusing as they are nasty/nice, nasty/nice. But when they act nice it’s really an act to get us to stay in the relationship so they can continue to be nasty (their true self) to us again. They get a high out of our distress, hurt, confusion and upset, even our anger. If they weren’t so cruel and capable of destroying others with their behaviours you’d nearly feel pity for these people who are so toxic, empty and devoid of any type of goodness.
You can escape from him and go on to heal but he can never escape from his cruel, heartless self.
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22nd April 2024 at 1:46 pm #168042Find-inner-peaceParticipant
Hi lover of no contact,
I would like to thank you for your message.
What happened had a toll on me. I am struggling with my emotions right now. I am still attached to him and hope he will change. If he behaves like this, it is certainly due to a trauma he had in the past. I don’t want to let him down, but I need to care of myself too. I wish I could fix the situation. Sadly, I can’t provide the help he needs.
Myself, I can’t heal because he puts all the blame on me. Psychologically speaking, it’s tough.
Today, I feel low.
For a couple of days, I am staying at a friend’s place. I already feel nervous to go back there because he is unpredictable. I want peace and hope we will be able to work things through.
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23rd April 2024 at 4:34 pm #168079TaylorParticipant
Hi im sorry you are going through this. I no all to well how confusing it can be when you dont understand what is happening to you.
What i have read is extreme toxic abuse. He will no fully how hes treating you and what hd did that night was abuse at its worst but he then made you believe he had done nothing wrong so left you confused.
This isnt love and he sounds a very messed up dangerous man for your own well being and safety you need to leave him. Its when you take yourself away you will start to heal but keep your friends and family close -
23rd April 2024 at 5:42 pm #168080lover of no contactParticipant
Hi,
I agree that he sounds very dangerous. You’re in a cycle of abuse with him so abuse will happen again (or something worse will happen) as the abuse cycle always escalates. I know it’s hard to face the truth of your relationship with him. It’s a cul de sac. It’s never going to be ever anything other than you in this cycle of abuse. That’s because he is who he is. He’s shown you who he is and what he’s capable of it. Even with him having therapy day-in day-out there’s a 0.01% chance of him changing. I know these facts are very hard to take on board and I found it very hard myself to accept the harsh reality of who my abuser was and that I was in an abusive marriage . I found it hard to accept that the non-abusive times and “niceness” were still actually abuse to keep me in the cycle.
Google gives alot of information and diagrams of the Cycle of Abuse and the Power & Control Wheel.
Just wondering what does your friend say about you going back to him after him terrorising you so badly?
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24th April 2024 at 1:57 am #168090Find-inner-peaceParticipant
Hello,
Thank you to both of you for your words. Hearing your voices and experiences helps.
It seems that my feelings for him and my emotions cloud my jugement.
My friend thinks I am in danger.
I am going back today. I can’t stay at my friend’s place forever. I am not in a strong position to leave right now. This is why I need faith that things will get better, that he will get better. He went to see his counsellor… He also sent two friendly texts, I haven’t responded yet.
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24th April 2024 at 3:57 pm #168096lover of no contactParticipant
Hi,
Please keep.in touch with the Forum. Keep posting for support. I know it’s not that easy to pack up and leave. I couldn’t end my abusive marriage(I didn’t want to leave my house and my children)and stayed in the cycles until the court separation was finalised. We do what we have to do when we’re ready to do it.From my experience I would have a plan B for leaving when he kicks off again. Imo visualise how to pack up your stuff. Visualise where you would go to live. Have a solid Plan B for when he terrorizes you again as sadly they never change.
Keep up your supports to stay strong and to stay aware.
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25th April 2024 at 2:18 pm #168127Find-inner-peaceParticipant
Hi Lover of no contact,
Your story touched me. As I mentioned briefly in my original post, my father was domestically violent. My mum found the strength and the courage to escape. I always say that she gave me life twice.
I am not as brave as my mum or you, sadly.
I feel ashamed for not seeing the signs, for not having a stronger mental, for begging his love. I don’t know how I put my myself in this situation. I should have known, due to my past. History repeats itself. I must be weak.
I hope I will be able to understand why.
Today, I feel embarrassed and disappointed of myself.
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28th April 2024 at 7:34 am #168174Find-inner-peaceParticipant
Hello,
It’s been a few days now I am back in the house and I try to avoid contact as much as could. Somehow the landlord figured out that something wasn’t right, so he checked on me if I was okay. I explained what happened, He said that he knew my ex partner for a long time and that it was the first time he was seeing so disturbed and agitated. What alert him is that he was speaking irrationally. He seemed really concerns about him but added that he didn’t think it will happen again. He seems to downplay what happened. I said if another incident occurs again should I call the police, he said no. He advised to call him or my housemate who is (detail removed by moderator) (I don’t feel comfortable with that). After this meeting, I came home and locked myself in my room. I had still the jacket on, I heard someone knocking on my door, I didn’t respond. After a few seconds, I asked who it was, it was my ex partner begging me to open the door because he wanted to talk. I offered him to talk (detail removed by moderator) because I knew there were cameras or in a public space, but he refused. He wanted to come in my room, I said I couldn’t let him in after what happened the last time. He got mad and start to call me names “C***, b****” and that he will kill me. I don’t recognise him any more, it’s been several times he expressed this feeling to kill me. Maybe it’s a way of speaking. It’s quite disturbing, though.
I feel now, I need to gather evidences (recording or some sort) otherwise people won’t understand the severity of the situation.
Sadly, things didn’t go as I was hoping for.
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28th April 2024 at 9:19 am #168180ReallyconfusedParticipant
Oh I’m so sorry to hear this. Threats to kill are a crime. Honestly the police should know. You don’t have to call them to your house – you can report this though so that it is logged if anything happens further.
It sounds like you really need to leave as your life is in danger.
He is getting angrier as you are not doing what he wants and not behaving according to his rules.
What he did to you is not love. Also he will not change. Many of us are bonded to trauma and just want a peaceful life. We keep hoping that they will change but the “bad” part of them is who they really are. The nice part is an act to keep us locked in to the relationship.
Please get immediate support so you can plan an escape – this man is extremely dangerous. Thinking of you.
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