7th June 2021 at 2:35 pm #126810[email protected]Participant
Brand new to the forums, though have been looking for a while. I feel so conflicted. Has anyone got experience with violence and Type 1 diabetes Been with my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years, he is type 1 diabetic, always had a few blips with hypo’s/low sugars which could turn violent, but I would always just accept that it was “his sugars and he has no recollection of it” and it got swept under the carpet never to be discussed.
Gradually over the years it has got worse and worse, he has had numerous health issues so is on a lot of pain medication and also drinks, which again has got worse.
Since (detail removed by Moderator) it has got steadily worse and for some reason finally in (detail removed by Moderator) I started to talk to a girl at work, it was then like a lightbulb moment and realised that what I thought was normal, isn’t normal. I looked online and realised that a lot of his behaviours are not just down to his diabetes etc. For years I have gradually shut down and I am so different as a person, I have lost a lot of friends as I am always so worried about how he will be when I get back, all I seem to do is say sorry all the time to everyone and everything, even work events I will rush to get away so I can be home as soon as possible as he will say I am having affairs/doesn’t like the fact that there are a lot of men at work.
I told him (detail removed by Moderator) that I needed to get myself back and would he go to counselling, he wouldn’t. Plus I said I thought he was suffering from depression as he has got worse and worse with his moods. and from the point of me trying to put my foot down saying what he has been doing is not right it has escalated.
In (detail removed by Moderator) he badly beat me, he sugars were very low and I tried to get a hypokit sorted to inject him as I couldn’t get him to have glucose etc. I ended up with really bad bruises down my arm and legs and on the side of my head from tryingt to avoid punches. I managed to click video on his phone before he got properly violent so he partly heard/saw all this afterwards (detail removed by Moderator). He was really shocked and upset and promised me he would speak to the Diabetic team. Plus then agreed he would go to the GP.
I left for (detail removed by Moderator)t at my parents, but went back (detail removed by Moderator) as he was so upset and said he couldn’t cope with his sugars etc.
Basically since then there has been another violent episode, where I left for (detail removed by Moderator) days at my parents, at that point I finally told my parents the whole story. If I honest it is more the mental side that affects me more than physical. Literally the minute his sugars drop it is like he hates me, says he doesn’t love me, wants me to leave. But then the next day he will be constantly saying he loves me, can’t live without me, wants to know what I am doing , what time I will be home etc. But then says he doesn’t trust me.
when I left for (detail removed by Moderator) days, he agreed to go to the GP so I got him an appointment, he then also admitted to drinking more than we knew about, often upto (detail removed by Moderator) pints a night. So that is what has been causing some of the issues with his sugars as it has also been taken with his medication. he is now on anti-deppresants.
We have two step daughters (not with us the whole time – (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator)) the (detail removed by Moderator) year also now knows most of the history. the (detail removed by Moderator) year old doesn’t know and I have always tried to keep her sheltered.
I went back as it was a child weekend and wanted to try to keep things calm etc.
He agreed for Relate counselling, and then that really gave me a wake up call as upto that point I really hadn’t thought of it as domestic violence, and they had to do safeguarding for the (detail removed by Moderator) year old. We then had 1 group one but the counsellor advised that I was in a separate property in case of repurcussions. So I called from my parents . The call was awful he just kept saying “he is doing everything he can to change” The Counsellor explained they cannot do any more sessions due to the controlling behaviours and domestic violence. Again I was hoping this would make him see it.. but he still doesn’t.
The counsellor explained to us both she thinks it is safest we are apart whilst he trys to get better.
I have put a deposit on a flat, but I daren’t tell him, he knows I have looked at properties.
So I just don’t know what to do. It is his birthday (detail removed by Moderator), he has booked (detail removed by Moderator) and keeps saying how nice it will be to get away. I keep saying I can’t how can we with all this going on. My parents are telling me I should go away with him and maybe it will help, his parents (who have known all this for years) are saying the same.
I feel like I am split 50.50 and going mental. I love him and want him to fix things. But my gut feeling is telling me I would be so much calmer away from all of this and I think the counsellor is right in what she said – that she doesn’t feel he is prepared to change. He makes small changes and then when he thinks I am ok again he goes back to how he was.
I am just not sure I am strong enough to make the jump and go, he has said if I leave that will be it. I cannot have my dog, will not see the girls, and there is no going back. I have got him once to say when he was more rational that it was down to him to prove that he would/could get better and that a few months apart would work.
Any advice on hypo’s or similar things would be helpful and advice on how I go through with this plan would be appreciated.
7th June 2021 at 6:00 pm #126819ISOPeaceParticipant
Wow @Owl01, even reading your post was intense. You have been through such a lot and it must be exhausting, confusing and heartbreaking. It sounds very difficult to separate the diabetes issues and the abuse. It’s hard to know where to start, so I hope this reply doesn’t jump around too much.
I was intrigued by your question about the link between low blood sugar and violence so I googled it. Apparently as a driver you must take reasonable steps to manage blood sugar levels to avoid hypos while driving. If you had an accident due to a hypo, you could be found guilty if you had not been taking reasonable steps to manage and monitor blood sugar levels. From what you describe it sounds like he is not taking any steps to manage his blood sugar levels in order to keep you safe. So from a legal perspective, I think he would be considered responsible for his actions, even if the violence was while he was in a hypo.
I wasn’t clear from your post whether you think his behaviour towards you is only bad when his blood sugar is low. From what you said the Relate counsellor said, it sounds like he is controlling, which I am assuming isn’t the result of low blood sugar levels. Abuse is all about control so the diabetes may be making the abuse worse, in a similar way to mental health problems, but it doesn’t create the belief that it is ok to be controlling and violent.
Is he ever violent with anyone outside the family? Is he ever violent in public? If it’s all behind closed doors then it suggests he has more control than he’s admitting to. Typically abuse is behind closed doors because the abuser knows that’s the only way he can get away with it.
What you describe actually sounds like the typical stages of the cycle of abuse and very typical abuser tactics. For example, apologising after violence it common. Threats to take the children and your dog are most definitely abuse. He is trying to intimidate you into staying with him, despite knowing there is a very real risk to your safety. If the violence is because of his diabetes then he has demonstrated that he cannot manage his health well enough to be a safe parent. If he says he can manage his diabetes then he’s admitting that he chose not to save you from violence. If he says he’s magically changed because you’ve left, don’t believe him. The courts would see his past violence as evidence that he is a risk to the safety of the children. He would only be awarded supervised contact. I don’t know where the law stands on your dog. Perhaps the police could help.
Make sure the video of his violence is backed up somewhere safe. It could be very important in proving the abuse should you need to in the future.
Abusers very rarely change. You’ve had good advice from Relate. You can only keep yourself and your children safe by staying away from him. Even if he does want to change, it will take a long time. Some say it takes several years. Google trauma bonding to understand why it is so hard to leave an abuser and that it’s normal to feel pulled in opposite directions.
Please do not go away with him! At best he’ll be well behaved, which will then strengthen the trauma bond, leaving you more confused about leaving and making it harder to leave. At worse you’ll be stuck where it’s hard to get away from him. Maybe you’ll be worried about people in the hotel calling the police when he kicks off so you’ll try to endure a horrific attack as quietly as you can. When we leave an abuser, they see it as a huge loss of control and so they try to regain that control with love bombing, promises of changing, threats, intimidation, maybe even all these things. It’s common for abuse to escalate when the abuser feels a loss of control, which could mean that he really kicks off when you go away. I don’t mean to sound dramatic. You are at risk of serious physical assault, maybe worse.
It’s a shame that your parents are not supportive of you protecting yourself and your children. Most likely they don’t understand abuse and that going away with him will not help. It’s a real blessing that you thought to post on here for advice – please know that there is nothing you can do to make the abuse stop. Abuse is about his need for control and power over you. Even if you chose to spend your life trying to anticipate and meet his every whim, it would be impossible and you would always end up falling short in his eyes.
I’m really heartened to hear that your intuition is telling you to stay away from him. Abuse makes us doubt our judgement but you are staying strong in protecting yourself and your children despite your parents not saying what you need to hear. I think you are a lot stronger than you realise. In fact I know you are because you have to be incredibly strong to endure years of abuse. Don’t tell him anything about your plans to leave. Leaving is the most dangerous time because the abuser feels that loss of control and so abuse often escalates. He’s already shown how dangerous he can be. I am really concerned about what him escalating would look like – hospitalisation, violence towards the children? Make sure you take the things you need when he’s out and don’t tell him where your new house is.
I would highly recommend you read you read up on abuse to help understand what’s happening and how to keep you and your children safe. I always recommend Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. You can find it free online. Contact Women’s Aid too. Most of all, stay away from him. Sending lots of love and strength xxxxx
8th June 2021 at 7:34 am #126845[email protected]Participant
Thank you so much.. I honestly feel like I am going mad at the moment and that it is me who is the issue.
Yes with low blood sugar etc and driving you have to be hypo aware, the Dr’s have warned him that if this continues then he will or they will have to declare to DVLA. The thing is day time/work he is hypo aware, I think that is where night time must be related to the alcohol.
his behaviour is generally worse when his sugars are not under control properly. however when I have left recently his sugars have been ok, and he has still reacted in same way, he trapped me in the door in (detail removed by moderator) as I had gone back to my parents and Id brought one of the dogs back and also to collect some medication. However the next day he said it was related to sugars but his sensor showed differently. and I think you are probably right that the diabetes is making the abuse worse.
He has been violent (in a hypo situation) with his parents in the past where paramedics and police have been there. But no generally if out or with family etc he is all ok. for example at the (detail removed by moderator), we had the girls and went for a meal with his family. Before we went out, he was awful saying again it’s over, his brother realised he was acting like that. But then when out was lovely and all his family praised him for making progress and seeing the hospital etc about his sugars to help our relationship and that he had cut down drinking. I sit there thinking.. yes he has but the behaviour has continued.
My daughters are step daughters, both from different relationships.
Its so hard, this morning he is saying he so wants us to go away just so he can prove he is trying hard. But he still won’t agree with the advice from the counsellor at all and said they are totally wrong.
I just don’t know how to have the conversation with him to say that can he not see that this is all wrong. but I know he will say you are throwing away (detail removed by moderator) and just think I am with someone else. All I want him to see is that his behaviour has got worse and if we can try to fix things then we need to follow the guidance from professionals.
the rental property is not available till (detail removed by moderator) so at the moment I am at home, I think I am going to try to talk to him tonight and I may need to go to my parents.
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