22nd March 2020 at 10:00 pm #99675
Hi all, I am fresh out of a relationship where I was spat at called names, strangled bust my nose and jumped on my head and plenty more. Why is it when I say these things they do not bother me at all? Why aren’t I shocked.. disgusted and hating him? I left. I couldn’t take no more. He tried for a few weeks but now he’s out with diff girls all over his social media. Which has really knocked me for six I can’t eat or sleep. I read these forums to know I’m not alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
23rd March 2020 at 12:19 am #99678fizzylemParticipant
Hi H, takes a bit of time to recover from the abuse, it empties us doesn’t it, so we have nothing to give to the self or others; and we can’t feel a thing for a while, the numbness protects us until we are ready to feel once again.
You are the winner here, only it doesn’t feel like this yet, but you are because you got away from him, are now free, free to recover, rebuild, grow, have an abuse free life.
I wouldn’t torture yourself with SM, steer clear; it’s a false reality really isn’t it – a snap shot of life, we see one picture and it appears to say the party is happening here, without you, look at my fab life. My brother called today, said what you doing, I was tidying my room, he said sounds like youre keeping busy at home then – when I’d not moved from my pit for the previous 12 hours – see how easily it happens? It’s easy to post how great things are and completely hide what is really going on; and anyway, now ‘most’ of us are social distancing and self isolating – following the guidance of no gatherings – we know there is definately no party going on anywhere!
I feel nothing but concern for any woman that comes into contact with this dreadful, violent man, but for now I am happy knowing this is no longer you. You did it! You threw out the rubbish!
You’ve taken back the control now, the control over your life, and your self respect as you’re putting you first and protecting the self now again, you’ve drawn the line, said I am worth more than this – and this is to be celebrated.
When we’re worn out after just getting out, the focus needs to be on you next, giving yourself what you need, whether that is sleep, bed, soup, water, fresh air, exercise, support, education, whatever it is you need, keep giving this to yourself – everyday – think of yourself as a seed, and each act of self care is a drop of water – each time you meet one of your needs you grow a little bit – if you can make this committment to yourself you will start to feel the benfits quite soon, because it kind of snowballs eventually and there’s no going back, and best of all, you start to really feel and believe yes I am worth this, this is important to me, I’m important, its important I take care of myself and I now even want to do this because I see and feel the value in doing this now – which is very important isn’t it after having been made to feel so worthless for such a long time x
23rd March 2020 at 7:42 am #99682
Thank you so much for your positive reply. I will read this every time I’m feeling down. I think Iv struggled with the point of knowing he doesn’t care after (detail removed by moderator) he just Does not give a c**p. But last night I sat and went through my social media photos and everyone told a story. A row or being so nervous if out with friends that I went home, or remembering him smashing up the house etc. Iv got a picture of my daughter as my screen saver as a reminder from (detail removed by moderator), she isn’t his daughter and I’m so ashamed I stayed with him after this holiday as he was vile. (detail removed by moderator) So I set that picture of a innocent (detail removed by moderator) as my screen saver to remind me that he was just vile. Any holiday we had was just ruined and I had to listen to him for a good year or two punish me because he took us on holiday.
I think it’s because Iv been in it for so long that you forget what normal feels like and how things should be. But I seemed to have gained abit of myself last night from remembering that. I really hope it lasts.
I’m so happy for you that you managed to get out to. It’s a scary place to be in and can end up with serious consequences! Thank you for the reply xx
23rd March 2020 at 2:14 pm #99689fizzylemParticipant
I can remember this well, I called it the process of ‘awakening’; it’s painful at times, looking back with a new lense, the old filter now removed, takes courage and honesty, but it’s very much needed – it’s reality and it bites for sure, but it also strengthens us. Like you say, when these pictures were taken you were in a false reality, hoping for a brighter day, not wanting to admit that the relationship was abusive; he also had you under his spell back then didn’t, telling you things you wanted to hear, to keep you right there, only his actions never matched his words did they.
It’s the process of letting go, letting go of what you thought once was, and finding your truth. They are masters at messing with our minds aren’t they, and leading us into self doubt. We can be controlled this way that’s why.
It is hard to accept the reality like you say, because when we realise he didn’t love and care for me in the same way I did, when we see them in this new day light, it reveals a cold and callous man, incapable of love. At first we don’t want to believe it hey, because accepting this comes with a heap of horrid emotions, like feeling I was used, it means letting go of the idea he loved me; something we told ourselves for many years, something that gave him license to behave so appaulingly, get away with many awful things. No more though hey, it is done, it’s over.
Think of it this way, he will never really know what it is to love anyone freely, his brain is wired more for me, win at any cost, me,me,me, no way to be in life is it, totally unforfilling, where as you have a great capacity to love, you loved this man with all his flaws, tells us your compassion is very much alive, just not feeling well yet, having compassion for others is a great way to be, but each of us learn the hard way that we can love freely, but we also need to feel this is return when choosing an intimate partner, and that love goes hand in hand with respect, as it can not exist without it. We learn to choose who we allow in wisely – friends and partner’s – because we can not take the risk we might get it wrong again, because we know how dreadful it can be when we do.
You will rise again, you are already making huge progress, taking the difficult steps you need forwards – you are on the path to recovery now for sure, I can hear it in your words. You won’t always feel as you do, this is just where you are for now.
Imagine that first holiday without him! When you’re ready. You will really be able to relax and enjoy it won’t you! I’m sure there are lots of little peaceful, joyful moments now too aren’t there, being free to simply live your life, watch what you like, eat what and when you like – all to savour now x
23rd March 2020 at 2:52 pm #99690
I like that ‘imagine a holiday without him’ he ruined so many. So I will reinvent those holidays because I know they would have been great without him. On one of those holidays he flew back after the first week for work and left us for a week and it was fantastic. Looking back it was like two separate holidays x
23rd March 2020 at 6:15 pm #99699
Well I have been informed today that he has found someone new and it’s all over social media then in bed together, which is just wonderful. I feel stronger than before and I know to keep him away at all costs hence blocking emails and changing my number. I can not risk getting sucked back in. It still hurts and I still feel very used and dis respected. I just want to snap out of it now and live my life happy and safe. He’s not the type to turn up at my door email and phone was the only way so that’s all cut out. So it’s over over.
23rd March 2020 at 6:23 pm #99700
Please know that he’s doing this deliberately to hurt you. It’s called triangulation. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. His behaviour is typical of an abuser. It’s important not to give him a reaction. Stick to zero contact and tell your friends you don’t want to hear any gossip. That’s why he’s doing it. They like to paint a lovely picture for the outside world but behind the scenes you know exactly what he is like and he won’t ever change. Have you reported him to the police? You could consider making a statement about his abuse. Your statement could help other potential victims and you are probably not his first x
23rd March 2020 at 6:37 pm #99703
I am Not his first I think Iv had it the worst so far, he owes my mum a lot of money so I’m hoping he’s going to pay it.
Well this is what everyone has said do not react it’s all for show. If I had met someone I would not be putting it all over social media. It’s sad really for this girl because she thinks it’s all lovely. He prob will hold on to her now and that’s his life and his call. I just feel he can not hurt me any more now. Iv had other women physical emotional.
I would never contact him, I’m glad I’m very stubborn in that way. Just again very hurtful I had that warm sensation over my body and felt sick all day until about a hour ago. And thought she obviously was on the scene for a while to be this serious. It just shows how disrespectful and how much he really wants to rip me apart.
23rd March 2020 at 6:48 pm #99704
I don’t think your mum will see any of that money. Have you spoken to the police? Financial abuse is also a crime.
23rd March 2020 at 7:05 pm #99706
No I feel really nervous about going to the police they aren’t a great family and they are the type to all pull together.. we live very close as well which doesn’t help. I’m hoping she does it’s thousands. Out of my own stupidity my mum was a guarantor for a loan, he then said I couldn’t leave him for 5 years now when he did get the loan and laughed.
It’s strange to talk about because I feel so normal and that’s how it was when I’m real life it’s far from this
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