Need help and advice :-(

[Blondexxxx]

Hi everyone I’m new to the forum
It’s taken me a lot to join as in my head I don’t know what I would call this relationship
After just (detail removed by moderator) I feel like all iv ever done is go back and forth over the same situation and somehow now blame myself for staying

Iv been with my partner (detail removed by moderator) now, his mum is financially in control of things as she has money so she bought him our family home, the car and basically helps out with money when he asks for it, he is (detail removed by moderator) years old though and does work but only when he chooses to as its outside, his mum helps as as he gambled all his wages away. I work but I am still on furlough, although since being together I have had it up and down with going into my job as when we fall out for some reason I can’t even function or become depressed and I end up phoning in sick.
So every time we fall out I get told iv to take the kids and leave, it’s his house not mine, I’m not allowed to use the car when he’s in a bad mood or just chooses to decide when I can use it. Financially at home I feel his mum is in control as he relies on her but He gambled all his wage every single (detail removed by moderator), he’s been gambling since we got together, first it’s a few drinks then it’s the drugs then it’s gambling then he wakes up on a come down and we spend the entire week on egg shells not wanting to annoy him.
I think this is where I find an excuse as I blame his behaviour on his come down and depression from the alcohol drugs and gambling so I think is it really me he’s mad at or is it the situation he’s in every (detail removed by moderator).

A (detail removed by moderator)  when I was watching tv, said turn it off or turn it down, I told him not to speak to me like a kid and he flipped and gave me a black eye. The next day tried to turn it around that I turned the volume up on purpose and it was my fault, (detail removed by moderator) he bought me some chocolate to say sorry and me being stupid accepted it. I spent the entire week wearing sunglasses so my mum or my friends wouldn’t see. I did however reach out to one friend as she is the most trust worthy friend I have.
This wasn’t the first time he’s hit me, he lashes out when he’s in a mood, usually pushing me in the head or throwing things at me. He hit me (detail removed by moderator) because I slapped him first about a girl and he punched me in the face so I had to go (detail removed by moderator) with sunglasses on a road luckily but everyone didn’t believe I had fell.
I don’t feel scared of him, I know it’s hard to believe but I’m more scared of the next day when I won’t no what I will do wrong.
If I make the bed wrong he rips all the covers off and calls me useless, he smashed all mine and my kids clothes up (detail removed by moderator) and left them all in a pile on the landing then told me I better clean them up.
He’s stole my bank card and gambled money I have and also if I don’t lend him money when he asks he falls out with me so I end up doing it just to keep him happy.

There’s an endless list I could write of situations, he constantly accuses me doesn’t trust me, goes through my phone, he told me to delete Instagram because I had a lot of followers he said I used it for attention.

I used to feel so confident and take selfies or happy photos of myself and I don’t even dare do that anymore, iv never cheated on him once , yet he’s cheated on me a few times but always has an excuse like we wasn’t together because we fell out.
At one point he just fell out with me one day said a guy had liked me photo on Facebook, fell out with me and told me I had to leave, turned out he was seeing another woman, I told her everything and it didn’t last and then I stupidly got back together.
He’s gained a lot of weight and he isn’t feeling confident so at the moment I won’t think other women are an issue again, but he constantly accuses me now, I feel like I can’t even go to the shop on my own without being accused of taking too long or if I dress up iv been seeing someone else even though il just be having coffee with my friends.
I seem to make everything about how he is feeling and I don’t understand why I can’t just take the kids and leave and feel strong and know I deserve better.
But I do love him and I do care about him and but I feel I’m in love with two different people? If that’s possible? One minute he can be the most nicest caring person then the next day he turns nasty it’s almost like bi polar.
It’s like (detail removed by moderator) he made me turn the tv off because I was watching it when he was asleep then said if I don’t tidy my clothes up he’s going to throw them all on the front street.

I spoke to his mom about everything as he constantly involves her and says I’m phoning my mum I went you to leave etc every time we fall out
She tells me she’s on my side and she won’t help him finically anymore and I neee to get away from him as he has never changed in (detail removed by moderator) she said he’s got worse.
But then the week after she’s giving him money again, telling him he needs to start a fresh new life and paying half his bills for him.
It’s like I feel trapped and then he has the control, he’s telling me now I should get out of his house with the kids because he can’t forgive me for tellin his mum he gambled and takes drugs and has hit me, but she doesn’t really change how she treats him anyway so I don’t see what it mattered as it didn’t help me In any way.

I feel like iv loft all my self reapect, my friends all say what are you doing with him, but then he makes me feel rubbish about myself I don’t no why I can’t feel or see that I should walk away.
I guess because he owns the house it’s not as easy for me when I have two children just to find somewhere to live there isn’t much about I keep looking every day. Then I think if I did leave would he care? Or would he try get me back. What if he didn’t would I feel worse but then why should I feel worse if I’m being treated this way.
He calls me ugly says no one would went me but then his argument is the next day he thinks I’m gorgeous and what am I doing with someone like him.
My head is such a mess. Iv never been in an abusive relationship but I feel like if he’s happy then I’m happy but if he’s horrible and telling me to leave or calling me names I can’t even function, I don’t want to go to work or see my friends and I feel really down and consume all my energy wondering what iv even done wrong. 🙁

Just don’t no what I should do or how to go about it as I do love him but I don’t think he’s ever going to change as a person.

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? X

 

 

 

[Wants To Help]

Hi Blonde,

Well done for having the confidence to post on here, I hope you find some clarity, support and help. You may not like what I am going to say though…

This relationship is very abusive and dangerous, and the only sensible advice anyone can give you is to find a way to leave it in order to protect you and your children from further abuse and unhappiness. Your abuser has many issues on many levels and there is nothing in your power at all that can change those, change him, make him better. Instead of investing all of your motivation in to trying to understand him and why he does this to you, you need to put your motivation in to leaving him and saving yourself. There is no love at all coming from his direction to you, and I strongly believe that your ‘love’ for him is not real love at all. You have become trapped in a cycle and co-dependency and this is mistaken for love.

Whenever I have come across a man who has issues with drugs, alcohol and gambling, there is inevitably domestic abuse attached to that. Your abuser has never had to take responsibility for his actions, debts, issues, faults, has never had to grow up and learn how to deal with things, it appears his mum has always come to his rescue to bail him out. Parents who do not let their children ‘fail and learn’ do not really do their children any favours in the long run. Your abuser has issues going way back in his life that he is likely to never acknowledge or seek help for. He will always blame everyone else for his failings and have that sense of ‘entitlement’ that someone else should put right his wrongs.

An author called Jess Hill has written a book this year called See What You Made Me Do and there is a great chapter in there that explains all about ‘shame’ and ‘humiliated fury’. This would seem to apply to your abuser. Your abuser is likely to have deep rooted humiliated fury due to the fact that he is in a house provided for by his mum, is financially dependent on his mum, cannot make it in life by himself, and would have issues with all of this. He is not self sufficient, his life is out of control, he probably fears you leaving him, so the one thing he can control is you. He is controlling you by sabotaging you, which makes you feel that need him in order to survive.

The violence to you is unacceptable. You need to tell yourself that and believe it. You are making excuses for him by blaming his behaviour on his gambling, drinking, drugs, and until you stop doing this then you are going to continue to live your life in the Denial and Acceptance stages. Please have a read of the Domestic Abuse Pyramid of Denial to Recovery on the Topics page. I do believe you are in the early stages of ‘Realisation.’

As the house is owned by his mum and he claims you have no right or entitlement to stay there, I would personally use this as the reason to leave him and go to a refuge with the children. Sometimes, people are too dangerous to be around to stand our ground and fight for our rights. Once you are away from him and the toxic environment then you can get some breathing space and professional support to move forward.

Trying to obtain an Occupation Order, or getting a Domestic Violence Protection Order from the Police for this situation would probably not help you as his mum and family would still exert control over you in his absence. The only way to move on from this sort of situation is to leave the whole lot of them behind.

Whilst you continue to live in the house with him you will NEVER be able to think clearly.

Please call Women’s Aid or Refuge today and seek alternative accommodation. Alternatively, you could report him to the Police for the assaults on you and they will work with the agencies to get you emergency accommodation. He will be arrested, but I don’t believe that remaining in that house with bail conditions for him to stay away would help you in moving forward in this situation. His family have too much power and control with regards to the property. Leaving a man like this is your first priority, considering a criminal prosecution can come afterwards.

You may need to formulate a plan to leave. Leaving him is likely to put you at further risk of violence due to his previous treatment of you.

Are you ready to face leaving and starting a new life with your children?

[Eggshells]

Hi Blondexxxx. This does sound like a very abusive relationship and I’m afraid Wantstohelp is right, there is only one way out of it.

Leaving is not easy though and you will problably benefit from some help. Please find out who your local domestic abuse charity is. If you google it, then please google in Private browser. The same goes for using this website. If you don’t know how to do that, please make sure that you delete your history immediately.

If you can’t find your local DA charity then please phone Women’s Aid. They put me in touch with my local branch of Refuge. Your GP should also be able to give you a number.

Once you have located them, give them a call when you are alone. They should be able to assign you an outreach worker. This can feel very scary but you can do it. You’ve already posted on here so I know that you have the strength to do this.

Once you have a keyworker it is a problem halved. They shouldn’t tell you what to do; you make all the decisions but they will be able to explain your options and support you in the decisions that you make. xx

[Anonymous]

You are definitely in a very abusive relationship and you need to get out. This will only escalate. His mum is an enabler. She should have cut him off a long time ago. He sounds like a spoiled little brat and is definitely a bully. No example for your children, right? And his abuse is trickling right down to them, one way or the other or multiple ways at once.

I would say read this or read that but this situation warrants you taking the above advice here because it’s good advice and time really is of the essence here. This isn’t something you can stay in and think it will be okay. It won’t be okay. You’re in love with an illusion. And while it might be that he is bi-polar it still doesn’t give him any right or entitlement to treat you like you are a dog. The only way you are going to get the old you back and your life back is to – take it back.

Codependency is definitely going on with you here. That means you care more about someone else than you do yourself and put their needs, wants and desires before your own. I am not sure where we got it stuck in our heads that this is love. It isn’t. It’s making yourself a doormat and sacrificial lamb for someone else. If we don’t truly love ourselves, we can’t truly love anyone else. And this isn’t you loving yourself sweetheart, it’s just not.

He hasn’t been pulling his weight in this relationship – for like ever – from the sounds of it. You feeling comfortable with all the weight, blame and guilt being put on you all this time is concerning. I’m not sure what your relationship was like with your own father but sometimes if that wasn’t good then we tend to repeat trying to be good enough, love enough, whatever it takes “enough” to fix someone so that then we can say – see, I AM good enough, aren’t I? You were always – good enough.

He’s a manipulator and obviously likes torturing you. Not okay. People who are truly worth their salt and worthy of our love are those who are consistently good and decent people. We shouldn’t settle for anything less. We teach people how to treat us by what we allow. The more he can manipulate you actually, the less respect he has for you. To be honest, I doubt he respects anyone.

You’re not crazy, and thank goodness you had the courage to post here because these lovely ladies will help you to the moon and back. Very strong and experienced women here. We have a little sisterhood going on. Many have lived through what you are going through so – they know. We are very glad to affirm you, to build up your self confidence and to help you get out of this. Life is short. Very short and being in this situation is not okay as far as the kids are concerned. They are quick to absorb it all and not in a good way either. He is toxic. You need to be somewhere safe and peaceful so you and your children can begin to heal so reach out and get help. Put a plan together! It can be done. Alot of us on here have done it.

[Beautifulday]

Hi Blondexxxx and welcome to the forum!
From reading your post you are in a very abusive dangerous relationship and I know its easier said than done as Im going through it myself, but from the things you have said you are at risk.

The only thing stopping me is the house if it was my Husbands I would have walked long ago! But its in my name. If the home is his this is your saving grace! You need to get from there ASAP

Do you have family you talk to ? The friend you spoke about who you trust could she help you? Please call your local womens aid they are so so helpful and if you need refuge they will help you believe me. Please call them when you can.

Keep visiting this forum when you can as its also a great help. But honestly lovely you are not safe in this relationship . X*x

[Blondexxxx]

Thankyou for your messages 🙂 I know what your saying is true I just wish I was head strong to believe I would feel better once iv left.
Every time we fall out he tells me and the kids we have to leave and he gets his mum involved, she constantly pressures me to tell her what’s been going on so when he got her involved this time I finally told her everything, she acted like she was on my side and told me I Could go live there until I found somewhere else but then within days she was back being his friend again and telling him he needs to start a new life and don’t get back together as it will only continue etc, almost like she blames me for his behaviour.
He’s been exactly the same with his ex the mother of his other child.

I guess how I’m feeling at the moment is confused, he’s now telling me I have to leave and I’m not allowed any of my clothes in the bedroom, he told me I had to clear all my things out of his sons room or he would throw my things on the street. I spent the entire day putting all my clothes on rails and moved them into the hallway. He is walking around giving me the silent treatment but then making comments to me like (removed by moderator)! I just don’t even respond.
I feel worse than he’s being so horrible by ignoring me and being horrible. I just feel like I want to get away and block the entire family from my life as I know I don’t want our child growing up this way and following in his footsteps but then why do I feel like if I leave he doesn’t even care anyway and il feel worse even though I know I deserve so much better than someone hitting me or calling me names.
The other week he told me i need to get into shape and I’m an ugly c*nt sorry that’s the word he used, told me I look older than I actually am. Yet then when he opens up and speaks he says he feels I’m better than him and can get anyone I want.
Everyone questions what I see in him and I do feel I love him and care but I’m just so u happy and I don’t no why I can’t see this.

The other week he smashed all my things off my dressing table and threw my clothes all in a pile it was such a mess, he then threw something which hit me in the head but I had our son in my arms and he was crying.
The next day I text him and told him he had gone too far this time and he replied saying I was a liar and I’m dangerous ?! And why would I make it up! But I didn’t 🙁 all I had was the photos of my stuff to prove but I couldn’t prove the rest, which is the same when I told his mum he gave me a black eye, he said I was a liar and I was so drunk I (removed by moderator), again was a lie but I got that upset and frustrated I walked off in tears because how do I Tell the truth if he is so adamant to people I’m lying. All I have is photos of my eye or bruises from times he’s hit me but in his head he says he didn’t do it but he knows the truth.
Just feel like iv lost all my confidence to be strong and I look at other people and tbonk they wouldn’t allow someone to speak to them the way I do, years ago I would never but then I feel like if I do shout back or say something I’m a toxic as him and then just get even more abuse off him, or he will block me and my calls and text messages.

He made me delete social media yet my friend saw he was all over it using it the other day, he sits on his phone texting constantly now almost like he’s doing it on purpose as it bothered him if I do that but it’s like he’s trying to wind me up because we aren’t speaking. I don’t say anything but it’s making me feel mentally I know I need to leave, he’s been with girls behind my back before and he probably wouldn’t think twice again but then his excuse is always well we weren’t getting on.
Iv never done anything to him so I guess I think why would he do it to me.
I don’t even think he loves me I think it’s just become normal now. Sometimes you just want them to actually care and I think that’s my problem I think why can’t you actually be the nice guy all the time instead of hoping for a few days of the nice person then for it to lead back to the horrible person again 🙁

[Anonymous]

He never was a nice man. He pretended to be in order to snag you into his web. You are in love with an illusion and a lie. Please follow Eggshells advice. Reach out, get in touch with WA, etc. because this man is extremely abusive and you need to get out asap. Forget talking to his mother. You see who she is now. The police can give you an escort to wherever you need to go, making sure your exit is safe. Here is a good link – https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/What-Are-My-Legal-Options.pdf

You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, (see Domestic violence and abuse – organisations which give information and advice for other ways of contacting them).

Helpline staff will do their best to find you somewhere safe to stay that night even if the local refuge is full. They are also happy to talk about any questions they have about refuges.

Gather up all important papers/documents as when you are gone you might not get them back. Just get somewhere private away from him and get help here. We can talk later about why you feel the way you do but right now you and your child need to get out. How dare him hit you at all and especially when you are holding your child! This is criminal behavior on many counts. You need to file a report to the police asap as well. Make the calls for help, they will walk you through it. Then erase history on your phone and have it password protected.

[Anonymous]

And you are absolutely allowed your things!

[Anonymous]

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

I can’t impress on you enough here………you need to get out!!

[Anonymous]

Hi Blondexxxx

Just scrolling through your post and wondering how you are? It is so hard to leave when you have a joint house or it’s their house, but you can get put. It takes planning and saving etc, but it can be done. I’m in the process myself. I have tried to leave a couple of times before but got sucked back in and he left a couple of times but came back a couple of weeks later as ‘this is his house too’! That’s when I knew I had to make plans to end this for good.

And these men that have these addictions are not well people. They should never really get themselves into relationships and have children because they’re so damaged themselves and are incapable of loving or feeling anything to be honest. It will hurt you that he’s seeing other women etc but they will be nothing more than just another object to satisfy his needs. Like his drugs, gambling and alcohol.

The fact he’s physically punched you already shows he is completely out of control and the violence will get more and more.

Big hugs for you because I know too what it feels like to fall in love with somebody that never existed and a good actor who hid his dirty little secrets for so long, then just flung them on you when you were ‘trapped’ so we think we have to accept it, but we defo don’t.

Blondexxxx start your ball rolling now and break this chain away from him and his family. Why you are there you will never be happy and your child will grow up to normalise this too. X

[Author]

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