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    • #126583
      Blondexxxx
      Participant

      Ok so my ex left me (detail removed by moderator), he was abusive towards me and was bad on drugs and alcohol.

      Since then he has sent me abuse at weekends and then (detail removed by moderator).

      I ended up on hospital lately as I became so exhausted I wasn’t eating and my blood pressure was so low. I had really bad anxiety and had to have (detail removed by moderator).

      He never contacted me once to make sure I was ok, one night when I had a couple of drinks with friends I did text him (even though he was the abusive one) I told him I missed him, I couldn’t work out why.

      He didn’t even acknowledge me.

      For the last (detail removed by moderator) I have spoke to counselling, signed up to the freedom project and also had to speak to victim support to help me.

      (Detail removed by moderator) night out with the girls and I was so excited bevause I hadn’t been out with the girls on forever.
      He also never liked me to go out.

      I ended up quite drunk but I didn’t ring or text him once
      But what I did do was end up back at a house with my friends (detail removed by moderator) and a few other friends.
      I ended up kissing this guy, well my ex has found out off someone and all he has done is send me so much abuse saying I’m a cheat and I’m a s**g etc!

      Iv not even gone back on social media let alone text another guy, so I don’t even know why I kissed someone but I think it was just a drunken mistake and I regretted it the next day!

      But he left me and put me through so much, I haven’t felt myself and it was nice for someone to show me attention!

      Since then he’s called me so many awful names even said (detail removed by moderator) He surely had no intension to sort it out or he wouldn’t of not been in touch for ages!

      Now on left feeling in the wrong and guilty. Like everyone thinks I am this bad person bevause I kissed someone and now he’s saying (detail removed by moderator)

      He was so mean to me (detail removed by moderator) in messages I broke down in tears but then he turned up (detail removed by moderator) with a massive bouquet of flowers?????

      He said they were to say sorry for what he was calling me but then started calling me again saying (detail removed by moderator).

      I don’t know if the flowers are because he’s scared he’s sent me so much abuse it’s not going to look good (detail removed by moderator).
      Or he’s worried I am finally doing things he never thought I would do, going out, moving on

      He said if I loved him I wouldn’t of done anything like that!!

      Just feel so low at the moment I don’t know what anyone else thinks but rather have an honest opinion
      X*x

    • #126608
      Living Warrior
      Participant

      Hi my lovely,
      I have been in touch similar place.
      This is classic abuser behaviour.
      They mess with your head by not contacting you, u then feel safe, or you wonder that YOU have done something wrong and spend nights waiting on the punishment… like I did. Then when u think u are safe, he has moved on and its over, they message and get abusive over your choices, which tbh have nothing to do with them anymore.

      He is angry because you had fun, he is just using the ‘cheating’ thing as leverage, don’t let him get into your head. What you do with your life has nothing to do with him.
      Men like these have to be in control! They wait, plan and scheme to get into our heads. So don’t do it.
      Report the messages to police as a sign of harrassment, this will help if things escalate as it shows intent and a serious escalation, it also backs up any reason for orders of protection, which I would get, to stop hin contacting me at all… which Is what I did, things are never easy, but cutting contact is best fir ur mental health.
      Keep the messages but do not reply. Report them as a log of proof, but try not to look at them in depth. It’s a power game.

      He thinks because you went out when u know he doesn’t like u to, that he is losing his grip on u, that’s the reason for the flowers, he is trying to make out that you are in the wrong and you should feel guilty so you take him back… its classic behaviour and sometimes works.. as we have such little self esteem because of them..we believe them over our own feelings and thoughts.

      This is the most dangerous time in the dv relationship, when they start to realise they are losing the hold they have on us so be careful stay safe and report to ur local womens aid and police they will help u safety plan. Hope this helps sorry if its a bit much 😕
      Good luck sending love and strength

    • #126615
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      What you describe sounds really upsetting. Seen from the outside, it sounds like typical abuser tactics to manipulate you. From reading your post it sounds like you’re imagining what he’s thinking based on what you might think. Unfortunately, abusers don’t think like we do, because their motivation is different. An abuser’s primary motivation is to maintain control.

      He is showing the typical phases of abuse, which are all intended to make you feel weak, powerless, confused, desperate. The phases go in cycles and create a horrible push, pull in you where you never feel safe:

      – Idolise/idealise (the love bombing stage, to make you feel special, like you’re soul mates) – sending you flowers

      – Devalue and discard (name calling, blaming you, making you feel guilty, not respecting your rights and boundaries, generally making you feel bad about yourself. This makes you feel weak and powerless and desperate for the love bombing to start again. Also ignoring you, the silent treatment, saying it’s over, threats to leave, leaving. This creates a fear of abandonment, which makes you feel even more dependent on him)

      It’s really hard to see what’s going on when you’re still caught up on all his manipulation. This is an outside version of what you’ve said is:
      – A woman is in an abusive relationship. The man expects her to put his needs before her own and feels entitled to control her through idealise/devalue/discard
      – The man leaves his partner, but continues the abuse
      – The partner feels shattered, the abuse has taken it’s toll and she is struggling to look after herself.
      – She continues to be careful not to anger her ex (avoiding social media etc)
      – She goes out with friends for the first time in forever, drinks a little too much, kisses somebody. No big deal, she’s single.
      – Ex finds out and feels like he’s lost control of her. He kicks off, acting as though she’s cheated on him and doesn’t have a right to choose her own actions. He still expects her to put his needs before her own and feels entitled to control her.
      – Ex sends flowers but continues the abuse – this is the continuation of idealise/devalue/discard

      The short answer is that you have been subjected to horrible abuse that is continuing after he left. You have done nothing wrong. You feel like you’ve done something wrong because your ex has spent a long time convincing you that his needs matter more than yours.

      I think you reaching out here shows that part of you knows you haven’t done anything wrong. He is losing his grip on you. Sending lots of love xxxx

    • #126832
      Blondexxxx
      Participant

      Thankyou so much for your messages it means a lot x*x

      I’m really struggling today, my ex ended up back on social media and he’s love hearting girls photos and trying to get attention himself
      Iv not reacted at all. He’s just setting out to hurt me now bevause I kissed someone ( we aren’t even together) I am not interested in anyone I just haven’t had attention in (detail removed by moderator) and Iv felt so down lately

      On (detail removed by moderator) he ended up unblocking me and asked if he could come pick our son up and take him out for a few hours.
      He’s meant to be taking me to a solicitors over it all about fifty percent access.

      I agreed just to be civil but then he ended up coming back with him later with takeaway and he came in the house and led in the sofa yet didn’t speak one word to me?!
      Then when (detail removed by moderator) had finished he told our child he was going.
      He never spoke about custody or what was happening
      Never spoke one word to me

      Then he left and I looked at my phone and he blocked me again???

      I’m left feeling worse than I did when I saw he was love hearting girls stuff
      That didn’t actually bother me as much as I thought let him get on with it.

      But the fact he came into my home, didn’t skews to me then left and blocked me

      Made me feel awful about myself again. Like did he expect me to want to speak to him or did I look bad so he thought I don’t want to even see her again.

      He then sent me a message today wnd blocked me straight after telling me to get on with my life now and he would of loved nothing more than to of stayed and (detail removed by moderator) ( I didn’t ask him to even do this?) but it wasn’t fair on anyone and it’s for the best we don’t speak again.

      I haven’t even tried getting back with him.

      I’m speaking to so many different helplines and reading books to help me get through why he does what he does but I’m left feeling worse like because I kissed someone now he’s out to hurt me.

      But he hasn’t even spoke to me for weeks or even tried to sort things out.

      He told me he’s a new free man now he doesn’t drink take drugs or gamble but he hasn’t got help for any of his addictions he just went to live with his parents!

      I just feel really down like why even come to my house or (detail removed by moderator) last week!

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