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    • #167382
      Grapevine456
      Participant

      I’m so sorry I need some advice please. (detail removed by Moderator) my husband decided not to join in our greater family Easter celebration. Instead he spent the day by himself musing. He sent a few unkind messages to my parents, me and then an audio recording of a row we had which he had provoked and recorded, edited himself out and posted my provoked response (detail removed by Moderator) telling all the members of my family what a horrible person I was. I feel utterly distraught, ashamed and concerned about what he might do next. I feel he is trying to destroy me and the bond I have with my parents, and siblings.
      When I asked him about it he said he wanted them to see what a Jekyll and hyde character I am. This is not the first time he has said this about me and I’m now starting to believe it.
      I have no idea how to stop all of this. It feels so out of control and I’m frightened that he will stop at nothing to shame me. Any advice?

    • #167391
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      I am sorry he is doing this…it is called flying monkeys…as in the Wizard of Oz… this is a common tactic to destroy your charactor and to make him look good/victim.
      People who know you will know it isn’t true, more importantly you know it isn’t true. I would advise not to discuss his tactics with him as he will never acknowledge what he is doing, he knows exactly what he is doing and why and that is on him. Do you have any support in place? Maybe speak to Women’s Aid chat online?
      Once the gloves are off these men stop at nothing, they stoop lower than we could ever imagine all whilst blaming their victim.
      Keep a journal, record any abuse if you can safely (for your reference/evidence).
      Hugs HFH ❤️

    • #167406
      Grapevine456
      Participant

      Thanks Here for Help.
      I made the mistake of telling him how much his actions had upset not only me but my whole family.
      He has as you predicted escalated things further by requesting I evenly split the monthly outgoings with him. However in doing so I will actually owe him money on a monthly basis. I realise this is not how a marriage should work but wonder how to deal with this. I’m keeping a record of all of this which is harrowing in itself and learned today that he has been recording a number of our other conversations. I think he is unwell and he doesn’t have somebody to check his behaviour so he is in fight mode. Not sure how to deal with it all.

      • #167471
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi Grapevine456,

        I understand wanting to make sense of your husband’s behaviour and thinking that it’s because he’s unwell can be almost a comforting explanation, it’s one that many women consider. However, even if your husband is unwell, there is no excuse for his abusive behaviour towards you. Mental ill-health does not cause abuse and it’s important to keep in mind that the mental ill-health and the abusive behaviours need to be handled separately by you husband. It is his responsibility to seek out support and create his own plan for managing his mental ill-health and be accountable for his abusive behaviour.

        Abuse and mental ill-health can happen at the same time, but there are lots of people who live with mental ill-health of all kinds and manage not to abuse their partners. If your husband is not owning up to his actions, not admitting how much he’s hurting you, and is not seeking professional help, that’s an indication that he’s not willing to change and that his behaviour is a choice.

        As Hereforhelp suggested, some specialist support for you may be helpful. You could contact your local domestic abuse service or, if that perhaps feels like too big a step right now, you could reach out and speak to a Women’s Aid worker through our confidential Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

        Take care and keep posting,
        Lisa

      • #167494
        Hereforhelp
        Participant

        Hi Grapevine

        It’s good you’re keeping a record, it is harrowing but can really help.

        I think one of the hardest things is accepting that your partner knows what he is doing, abusers do know what they’re doing they simply will not ever take responsibility for their behaviours. He is an adult, if he is poorly it is upto him to reach out for help. It is separate from him absuing you.

        The more you recognise his abuse the more he will sense a change in you and will likely be reactive towards you.. this isn’t on you grapevine, you sound like a loving woman who is confused with how his actions and words do nit match up (which leaves the walking on eggshells feelings). You sound like a great mum too 💪 ❤️.

        You have done nothing to be ashamed of, him recording and editing his own responses in recordings and sending to your loved ones is him trying to destroy your charactor. He is changing the narrative to suit himself and his needs.

        Keep posting
        HFH ❤️

    • #167492
      Grapevine456
      Participant

      Thanks Lisa,
      I have had a chat with my local womens aid worker before this latest event. I’ll give them a call again I think. I’m so confused and so unhappy and worried about the impact on my 2 beautiful children. I’m almost at the point where I cant see a way beyond these latest events other than to leave. It feels such a big and frightening step.
      Also on (removed by moderator) my husband plans to take the kids with him down to visit his parents (removed by moderator) and the thought of being away from them and not being able to be there to intervene at times of conflict worries me.

    • #167567
      Grapevine456
      Participant

      Does anybody know if I can stop my husband from sharing audio with his friends that he has covertly recorded. I believe he has been editing bits of Conversations and has shared with folk. It has got to a stage where the only way I can communicate is by text as I don’t want to be recorded any more. Any ideas? Is it now a matter for the police?

    • #167570
      TiredZiggy
      Participant

      My husband filmed me feeding our kids once to ‘prove’ I feed them rubbish. I was giving them sweets (it was a treat) so he filmed me giving them and was making comments about what an awful mum I am feeding the kids junk and he’d use it as proof of we split. This happened (detail removed by Moderator) years ago so it’s a long time but I’ll never forget it and he completely denies it ever happened, if I ever bring it up, I’m dragging up the past…it never leaves u that feeling. (detail removed by Moderator), I’m still with mine unfortunately. (detail removed by Moderator).

    • #167577
      Grapevine456
      Participant

      Thanks Tired Ziggy. Sorry to hear this, all kids deserve treats from time to time. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation too. So hard to know what to do but getting out does seem tempting. Keep posting, sending a hug.

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