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I have posted here many times, and recently my husband as been much easier to live with. He has sought help for his anger, he had accepted what he did was wrong, but I think I see the behaviours sneaking back again. But maybe I am just looking for it, or being too sensitive. Sometimes he just wakes up in a bad mood, he huffs and puffs and shouts and throws things around. He stood on a toy that one of the kids had left out and he like roared in anger and frustration, it wasnt that he was in pain. I get that sometimes things get a bit much, I sometimes snap if I am tired or worried about something, but I tend to snap, then immediately calm down and apologise, he can be in a bad mood like that for 2-3 days where I have to walk on eggshells with him.
Basically, is that just normal, that they just get in a bad mood and chuck stuff about? He says I am playing the victim when I get upset about it -
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Hi Oaktree,
I’m sorry you are experiencing this.
Throwing stuff around sounds very aggressive to me. I think they do that intentionally to cause fear, which is a powerful tool for control.
His behaviour sounds intimidating, not normal.
Abusive men never truly feel sorry. They might say they are sorry as a way to get you to stay with them. Or they blame you or someone else for their behaviour. They never take responsibility for their actions.
Best wishes xx -
KIP and Ocean are right, it is abusive behaviour.
Abuse is all about power and control. It may sound strange, but he doesn’t have an anger management problem. He doesn’t get angry because he can’t control himself (does he lose it with you in public? If he doesn’t, it shows he can control his anger and chooses to let rip behind closed doors), he gets angry because he wants you to know he’s the powerful one in the relationship. I would really recommend reading up on abuse. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is my go to book. I think he’s also written a book on whether you should stay or leave, which might be a good one if you’re feeling unsure.
I can imagine it’s hard to accept what I’ve just written, especially when you’ve been patient in waiting for him to get help and he seemed to have improved. Thinking about these questions might help.
– Do you feel you have equal power/authority in the relationship?
– Or do you feel like you only get to make decisions if he lets you or if it’s not that big a deal to him?
– Does he intimidate you with anger and aggressive behaviour if he doesn’t get what he wants?
– Does he dismiss or invalidate your thoughts/feelings about his behaviour? (you already answered this one when you described him saying you play the victim when you’re upset about his behaviour).
– Does he take responsibility for his angry outbursts and days of sulking, or does he blame others for it?Abusers do what they need to do in order to maintain a power imbalance. They want you to feel powerless in the relationship and that their needs are far more important than yours, because it keeps you too scared to go against them or leave them. Their need for control is their priority. They can seem reasonable at times, when they’re not concerned about losing their power over you. But they make sure you know that if it comes down to it, they will crush you into submission one way or another (anger, aggression, threats, vicious put downs etc).
It’s also very cruel to your children. They are affected by his behaviour towards you and will feel unsafe if people have to tip toe around him. Sending love xxxx
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