Need some strength…

[HunkyDory]

Hello ladies.

This is going to be long, I’m sorry. I was doing well. The last conversation was well over (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago. I told him then I’d block him so can’t see his calls or messages. I can see he’s sent me a message(detail removed by moderator) saying he wants to talk to me about something and started it with “hi baby” like the last x months never happened. Now I’m worried and stressing. I won’t respond but keep worrying if he’s ok like I’m his bl**dy mother or something. I know his life must be quite hard now where he is living but I know he has money (a lot) because I sent it as the first part of a “settlement” (as advised by a solicitor) as divorce in the short term is nigh on impossible for reasons I can’t put here.

I know he’s been hospitalized more than once since he’s gone, due to illness which makes me worry more. Why do I still care after what he put me through? I know it’s trauma bonding but so difficult to shake 😰 I don’t love him but still care deeply (is that love??)

My husband is very well known in his country and is known through his work in many countries around the world. I had a message (detail removed by moderator) from the wife of a man my husband worked with when he was here saying she’d heard a rumour from friends abroad that she hoped wasn’t true. I could have been good friends with this woman but as with everyone, he’d fell out with her husband and that was another friendship scuppered. I’m tempted to ask her what the rumour is, but I like to live by “what other people say about me is none of my business”. He was angry last time we spoke, because word had got back to him that I’d been speaking to one of his friends about how he’d been violent with me in the past. This friend was present the last time my husband attacked me (ended up in hospital)and fully supports me, but sadly he has turned out to be a gossip despite his apparent support for me. Lesson learned.

I’d made myself a promise yesterday to cut down alcohol because I know I’m using it as a crutch (and get me to sleep) but since I saw the message (detail removed by moderator), within minutes I was out buying more. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other but I’m struggling now. I could do with some encouragement because my guard is slipping. Thanks for listening, it helps just to write it down xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi lovely

You care for him because you are a caring, kind person. You spent time with him, loving feelings stay long after the relationship has ended, they can’t just be switched off even after everything he’s put you through.

Acknowledge those loving feelings and tell yourself no matter what happens to him now, he has lost every right to your care and attention.

Counter balance your longing for him, teach yourself to turn your focus back to yourself.
For every thought spent on him, spend a caring gesture towards yourself.

Is there any reason why you are still seeing his msgs? Can you go totally No Contact? Meaning not only blocking him, but also not checking any social media or anywhere he is to be found. Don’t get pulled down into his misery, he is not your responsibility darling. He is still only after power and control, nothing has changed.

You’ll get through this, be extra caring towards yourself, buy yourself some little treat tomorrow, e.g. a good book, nail polish, sign up for a hobby class, anything to make yourself feel better.

Sending you lots of hugs 💕

[HunkyDory]

Thank you HopeLifeJoy, your message means a lot to me. The reason I’m seeing his messages is because when he left, his computer remained logged in to his account.I’m checking so I know he’s still over there and that he’s not planning to come back (I’m actually terrified of him but care about him because he is very damaged). I know I shouldn’t but I’m so scared he’s going to come back. How you ladies deal with your abusers in the same town let alone the same country is amazing, I’m very lucky in that way. I am going to treat myself to something nice tomorrow. Even if it’s a steak bake from greggs 😘 thanks chik, you made me feel better already. Hope you’re doing ok too xx

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