26th March 2020 at 11:30 am #99817reachingout1Participant
Not really sure if this is the right place to reach out to regarding my situation, or if it’s a situation at all. If not can you please recommend another option to help me get through these intense conflicting emotions. I have tried to speak to select friends and family but they can’t relate or don’t know how to help.
I really need some help and someone to talk to about this.
I met a guy about (detail removed by moderator) when I was working abroad, it was an instant physical connection and I found him to be very attractive and charming and if I’m honest everything I believed I wanted in a person. I even said to my flat mate after meeting him, I think I will marry this guy.
There is a lot more to this story as it unfolds, I won’t be able to write it all here. I have a lot of feelings of confusion from my side.
There were times for example, when he was drunk he would overshare about his past experiences when I felt our connection didn’t warrant this yet (the (detail removed by moderator) we stayed together he cried to me regarding a past abusive scenario), he ‘sext’ me once and sent nudes without consent or me responding, once I (detail removed by moderator) and this made him (the guy I am seeing) furious (I could feel his anger and felt it was unjust) and he told me that if he spoke to his best friend at home he would call me a s**g for doing this, he said one night that he wouldn’t be afraid to hurt me that he could drag me to shower and kill me and no one would care, he told me his (Detail removed by moderator) had passed away from (detail removed by moderator) (she hadn’t), he didn’t want me to leave because he felt so alone/ suicidal and had no friends, when I said no he didn’t respect my boundaries but I felt so guilty because I knew he just needed healthy love and also I wanted to be around him, he called me once absolutely terrified he had HIV as he has an irrational fear about this (this made me question if he was sleeping with other people but he said he was scared because of the notes he used to do coke/someone bled a lot near him), I would ask him not to smoke in my room because it made me cough and he wouldn’t, I once told him I didn’t want to have sex but he was drunk and didn’t hear me, I said I was upset that he went to do cocaine with a friend and he told me he’d never met anyone who overthinks as much as me, I said I didn’t want him to come over at the start and he would call me boring, I wouldn’t say much around him because I was confused and he would see this as me being an airhead.
The majority of these scenarios were when he was drunk/on drugs.
When I would speak to him about these things when he was sober, he was extremely apologetic, but I still don’t think he could ever really know what this feels like. He would buy me really thoughtful gifts and take me on amazing dates and I would forgive him.
He hasn’t been physically abusive to me, but I know he was in his previous relationship. He told me once he ran a bath to pretend to kill his ex and once (detail removed by moderator) at her.
This time period was genuinely a blur for (detail removed by moderator) I had extremely conflicted feelings of love, but I was also suspicious on if i should love him. His love was very intense, passionate and he is an incredible person. He is so generous, kind, sensitive, unique, smart, funny, wise etc.
I decided to leave abroad because I felt absolutely broken.
I kept up a distance and told him I didn’t want a relationship with him due to the excessive cocaine use, the fact he had said those things to me and also that he spoke so flippantly to people without realising his words had consequences e.g. ‘I love you”If this was at home I would stab you’ to random people. After a long period of time he finally stopped texting and phoning. It took so much courage for me to say these things. I felt physically sick but then liberated for a while.
Still, he flew home to England twice to see me. As soon as I see him, I look past all of this and become consumed by my feelings of love, they are unusually powerful and I would always sleep with him. I enjoy spending time with him.
This was obviously very unfair to him, as my actions were not consistent with my narrative of saying no, but my feelings towards him are so intense. I would then feel guilty for not sticking to my word. He has said a couple of times it is confusing for him and he doesn’t believe me when i say it’s over and I just don’t want to be friends, because of course I don’t believe it myself.
Still, I stuck to my word and he finally started to let me go (detail removed by moderator). I bumped into him (detail removed by moderator) and he has genuinely taken time to change, I haven’t seen it myself but I feel he has stopped doing cocaine and drinking. I know he healed a lot during the past year and also went through a lot of hardship (he was genuinely suicidal at one point). I am very proud of him and his journey. I know he needs to be able to love himself to connect with me in the way I would need.
After seeing him, I wrote him a long message telling him I am proud of him and I see good when I look at him. I know he is conflict which is clearly why I feel so conflicted. He was respectful and wrote a nice message back. We left it here to focus on our own lives.
He messaged me (detail removed by moderator) saying he has resigned from his job and is moving back to the UK and would be nice to meet (detail removed by moderator). I felt scared and excited at the same time and all the conflict within me came to surface.
I spoke to my brother, he said the heart is always right so I should follow it. So I did, I put my guard down and let the love back in but with it came a lot of pain. I didn’t sleep or eat for 3 days and lay in bed anxious wishing someone could take away this pain. I reached out to him saying I am happy he is coming home because I am, but woke up a couple of days later in panic wondering why he didn’t love me right and what I could have done different. I messaged him saying (detail removed by moderator) Yes he might know my values, my heart and my physical body but I feel he never connected with my soul.
He didn’t respond for (detail removed by moderator) and said he would rather speak over the phone. I feel exhausted of this love/ pain conflict inside of me and I feel guilty for dragging him through this with me. I want to be able to say it is over and mean it or let’s start again and mean it. I know he is waiting to speak to me over the phone and I am so scared on what to say.
He won’t be home for (detail removed by moderator) regardless due to the virus. All these emotions are here now and I feel like I need help and someone to talk to that can understand this. I am in real mess because these feelings make me very closed off to other love around me and I can shut people away and be not present with them when they are nothing but good.
I don’t know what to do, I want to move forward and really need some advice. I tried a counselling session but I don’t feel like it helped.
I am sorry for this long message, and If this isn’t the right place please can you direct me? I’m worried i’m about to make a wrong decision and feel physically sick a lot of the time.
Really hope this is a safe space to speak.
26th March 2020 at 12:26 pm #99819freedomfries01Participant
You are definitely in the right place sweetheart. That seems like a lot to contend with. All the threats of violence are designed to make you fear what he’s capable of so that further down the line he can say he was always that person from the start and you’re the one changing the goalposts. A man telling you to follow your heart…..dont follow your heart follow your guts! They’re telling you the truth or you wouldn’t be on this site opening your heart to strangers. Let him go. In these situations it’s surely better to wonder what might have been than him to be where you live and being in an abusive relationship. Take care of yourself, follow your gut instinct…..you know that you’re right x*x
26th March 2020 at 12:50 pm #99821HunkyDoryParticipant
FF is right – that’s exactly how I read it as well. Veiled threats of severe violence / murder (!) is extremely concerning and I think you should follow your instinct. If he has been physically abusive in the past, you can bet he will be again. Sounds like a dangerous man to me.
It seems like you want to “save” him” with healthy love – I was the same with my ex, but sadly abusers can’t be saved. They don’t want to be. He’s always appealing to your good nature, fishing for compliments about giving up drugs (are you sure that’s true?) and how he was suicidal (was he?)…. all this builds up to you feeling guilty & obliged to love him to make him feel better. Who would tell someone a relative had died when they hadn’t? That’s awful. Calling you boring & indirectly a s**g? Extreme jealousy because you made innocent contact with a male? Do you really want to be with someone like that? I’m sure you know you can do better. You deserve better.x
Please think about you. Yes the pain will be hard but try to see it as a lucky escape, because I’m pretty sure it will be.
26th March 2020 at 12:57 pm #99822freedomfries01Participant
Try and think of how you behave yourself. If he is genuinely suicidal why is he telling you and not a dr. I’ve never spoken to people about the harm I wish myself because I’d never want anyone to feel responsible for that….he’s trying to make you feel directly responsible for something that may happen in the future which he is deciding for himself……that’s just one tiny part of what he’s saying but in my experience if you really feel that way it’s not a threat to scare people it’s real emotional termoil and that doesn’t just come out of your mouth as a threat
30th March 2020 at 2:26 pm #100086starqueenParticipant
Freedomfries, this has really made me think. My abusive family member talked about their mental state, including suicidal feelings, then tried to prevent me from telling anyone and as far as I’m aware didn’t tell anyone themselves at least not before I did. They also said if they acted on it it would only be when I wasn’t there. I’m pretty sure they were manipulating me, at least in some ways. I’m trying not to say too much as it might identify me to those who know my story, but it does make me question why they were telling me and not others.
26th March 2020 at 1:39 pm #99825KIP.Participant
Google trauma bonding. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline for a chat or your local women’s aid. He’s a domestic abuser. Has been before you and will be after you. Nobody should treat anyone the way he has treated you. Read Living with the Dominator. Abusers are very often cheaters always having other women on the go, like parasites, taking what they can emotionally. My advice is to block him on every form of social media. On your phone. The heart gets confused with trauma, fear, obligation, guilt.
30th March 2020 at 2:21 pm #100084starqueenParticipant
He sounds incredibly abusive and you deserve better. The advice you’ve been given here is very good and I second it all. I’ve found both the helpline and Living With the Dominator very helpful.
7th April 2020 at 3:48 pm #100470reachingout1Participant
I just wanted to say an immeasurable thank you for taking the time to reply to me a couple of weeks ago.
I gained clarification through the National Domestic Helpline that what I was experiencing was indeed physical/ mental and sexual abuse. It was an extremely difficult thing to come to terms with and the only way I can describe it is that I feel I broke my own heart by enduring this mistreatment.
I have now closed the relationship and he is blocked on everything. I am also half way through “Living with the Dominator” and have signed up for my local freedom programme.
Women’s aid have changed my life and I will be eternally grateful.
Thank you all.
7th April 2020 at 7:29 pm #100486KIP.Participant
Hey, well done and thank you for sharing a positive ending. It took great courage and you can use that courage to forge ahead.
7th April 2020 at 11:34 pm #100495HunkyDoryParticipant
Thanks for updating. Well done getting some support. It’s not easy but life is going to be so much better xx
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