28th June 2022 at 2:57 pm #146100
I had been with my husband for (detail removed by Moderator) yrs of marriage he has been abusing me for years apparently I’ve only just realised,he’s such a lovely,kind caring person but as soon as he opens a can of beer he turns evil nasty calls me names and says he’s joking talking crude demanding sex accusing me of affairs punches walls kicks doors makes me eat and watches me or gets angry if I don’t,only wants me not our kids we have a disabled daughter he can’t cope with her has no patience.when he’s sober buys me flowers anything I want I have but still wants to know if I go out when will I be back etc,I ended our relationship in (detail removed by Moderator) he moved out and things were good I met someone else a lovely man but my husband found out took an overdose and called me all the time I was so scared he would take his own life that we got back together (detail removed by Moderator)we renewed our vows he promised me the world but his old self came creeping back again I was sad it was falling apart again (detail removed by Moderator) he kicked and threatened to punch me and tripped me up until I cracked I was so scared my disabled daughter came to my rescue he left the house drunk driving I had him arrested for domestic abuse but he’s been bailed with caution not to contact me or enter my road. The thing is he has contacted me and said Iam sorry I love you you deserve better I can’t block him as I just can’t it’s killing me I can’t believe I still love him he (detail removed by Moderator) due to drink but still won’t stop.But why I feel so angry and hurt is because he’s staying at his mums and not drinking at all he says the way he feels if he had a drink he wouldn’t stop.Why if he loved me so much did he not stop for me.I’ve been to the Doctors today for beta blockers to calm me as I’ve not slept and I keep tracking his phone to make sure he’s still at his mums and not in pub or killed himself I’m distraught my feeling are messed up.Sorry for the essay ❤️
29th June 2022 at 6:37 pm #146160LisaMain Moderator
Hello [email protected],
Thank you for sharing this, I’m so sorry to read what you have been through. Your husband’s behaviour sounds really abusive and controlling. Unfortunately, we know how common it is for abusers to use threats to harm or kill themselves to keep women trapped in abusive situations and it is such an emotionally abusive tactic.
It’s also really uncommon for abusers to change. We are sometimes so invested in the relationship, as abusive people make themselves the centre of our universe, that it can feel impossible to break away. However, it’s important to remember the times in the past when promises have been made and broken, and to recognise the pattern in this.
It’s great that you are reaching out for support and I hope you are feeling a little better today.
Take care and keep posting,
30th June 2022 at 7:56 am #146208
Thank you Lisa x I’m struggling today I feel so angry and hurt.I can’t stop texting him and trying to hurt him back I wish I could stop but he’s all calm and just says I’m Amazing and he loves me and that I deserve better than him which is true,so why is he so calm about it all and I’m so messed up 😢
30th June 2022 at 6:51 pm #146267EggshellsParticipant
He’s trying to draw you back in. You are venting at him and yet he is calm and apologetic. You are supposed to recognise how amazing he is to take everything you are dishing out. Please don’t be fooled by it. He’s storing up his anger and if he gets you back (which is his aim) he’ll escalate his abuse even more to vent all that stored anger and teach you a lesson.
This is the reconciliation phase of the abuse cycle. It is calculated and intentional.
1st July 2022 at 7:20 am #146292
Thanks eggshells.your so right it really does make sense,I won’t be fooled had (detail removed by Moderator) of it should of learnt my lesson by now,also having a better day 😊 xx
3rd July 2022 at 7:02 pm #146424
He wants to meet me for a meal (detail removed by Moderator) I’m so confused I don’t know if I should go or just break ties help 😳
3rd July 2022 at 7:18 pm #146425EggshellsParticipant
I wish I could give you a definitive answer. I want to say “No, cut all contact”. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as that.
What I can tell you is that remaining in contact with him is likely to expose you to further abuse and help to strengthen the trauma bond that you already have. It may also give him hope that there is the possibility that you will go back.
On the plus side, it may help you to feel better. This will only be temporary but you may feel that you need it.
It might help to ask what you hope to get out of it and how likely is it that you will get it. Also, as you know him best, try to understand what he wants from it and also what the consequences will be further down the line.
3rd July 2022 at 7:45 pm #146429
Thank you eggshells I don’t want to get back with him that’s for sure. It’s just so hard cutting the ties x*x
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