1st August 2021 at 10:11 am #129487DaffParticipant
I’ve got time of work, but I’m dreading it. I like to keep busy it keeps my mind off things.i keep breaking down into tears questioning myself why did I let him do it. It feels like it’s to much to deal with, don’t want to feel like this forever. I want to enjoy my time off but my mind keeps being taken over. Has anyone got any advice to help.
1st August 2021 at 2:06 pm #129496ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi Daff, you won’t feel like this forever, but sadly abuse does leave traumatic wounds to be healed. Even though I knew abuse is traumatic and that trauma doesn’t just disappear, I was still surprised that I didn’t suddenly feel ok after I left (after the initial relief of having left).
I think coming to terms with ‘why did I let him do it’ is a combination of:
– understanding how abuse works and how anyone can be sucked into an abusive relationship,
– compassion towards yourself for having done the best you could in an incredibly difficult situation
– realising that punishing ourselves with these questions is our brain’s attempt to make sure we don’t repeat what we did, but actually it gets in the way of us moving on. To move on we need to accept that it did happen and now that we know it was abuse, we can educate ourselves about it to protect ourselves from getting caught again.
Could you use the time to keep busy with things that help you on your healing journey? Maybe try to learn a new skill that you can immerse yourself in. I think creative skills are supposed to help with healing. I could also give you a big reading list 😊 Here are some suggestions:
– Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why does he do that?’ is always my first recommendation to understand abuse.
– Lundy Bancroft also has a book called ‘the Joyous Recovery’, which is a lovely compassionate book about healing from abuse
– Don Hennessey’s ‘How he gets into her head’ has an exercise on seeing your story through more compassionate eyes so that could be a good one to try.
– Boundaries after a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch is a great little book on getting clear on what your boundaries are so that it’s easier to spot red flags and to feel better about all relationships with other people.
– Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar is a book you can dip in and out of, and goes through a lot of misconceptions a lot of us have about relationships. She mostly assumes abusers are narcissists so there are a few bits that didn’t apply to me but it was still a really helpful book to read.
I’ve also found listening to people on Youtube really comforting and inspiring. I like listening to things about compassion and empathy in general rather than specifically about abuse. It’s probably quite individual who resonates with you. Just don’t get caught thinking you should feel empathy/compassion towards your ex. I think it’s vital that you focus on compassion/empathy towards yourself and people who haven’t abused you and get into a really strong place. I’m a believer that holding resentment is damaging to ourselves, but our priority must be to protect ourselves from our abuser. Our abusers have used our empathy towards them against us and it’s really important to not confuse empathy with a healthy boundary with any kind of self sacrifice. I don’t even know if it is possible to have healthy empathy for your abuser. I would think in theory it is possible, but in reality it’s a very tall order. xxxx
4th August 2021 at 2:59 pm #129626DaffParticipant
Thanks for your reply, I’m just so used to being busy. I’ve started looking into things to help me. I thought I would start feeling different/better straight away but I guess it’s about finding who you are as a person is well. I lost me somewhere along the lines and I’m finding that difficult.
4th August 2021 at 7:26 pm #129636nbumblebeeParticipant
Hey @Daff i must admit i dont know your story and if you are still with your abuser or nkt but I wanted to chip in and say I know how you feel I struggle to be alone, and have to keep busy kr my mind will wander and I start to feel bad.
Im still with my nit so nice husband.
Wben I can I get out and volunteer he hates it so I try and do it without him knowing but its a lifeline to me helps me get out, stop thinking and i just help others its a good feeling and i know its only for a week or two that you have off still charities are crying out for any help.
Local dog kennels look for people to walk dogs.
It may help. With regards to how you are feeling im not sure im much help here but all I know is how guilty I feel every day and how i constantly question everything too so you are not alone at all. I think that you should try a little self care meditation learn a new skill just look after you for a bit concentrate on finding that lost you because you most certainly deserve it. X
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