29th January 2020 at 9:37 am #96696
After being free and licking my wounds, I am ready to make new friends but I don’t know how.
Because of being with my ex so long I lost all my old friends and what friends I still had to cut ties for my safety.
So now well into my 50’s and need to make a network up.
I did go to the gym today hopefully no make me feel more positive.
Also started going to a slimming group.
I have found a local group to meet up for a chat not been yet.
Sadly all the groups and meetings that the local Woman’s group do are close to where me abuser now lives. So its traumatic to visit them.
So what have you done?
29th January 2020 at 10:30 am #96700
Hi, take it slow and steady. I had been involved in activities at a distance from my home for some years. Due to the extreme isolation I endured at home I was used to assuming I had no friends. I went away for a few weeks on my own and as the brain fog lifted I saw my life with more perspective. I realised I have lots of friends and acquaintances albeit far from my home area. This is significant as a I was never allowed to talk to people in his presence. He said it was embarrassing. Yesterday I went to a group of my geographically distant friends and the warmth and concern that I found were like a beautiful golden glow. Made me feel human and respected. It’s also important to build up slowly and cherish casual human exchanges like if you are walking and people stop to talk to you. This never happened when I was out with him. Don’t expect to jump straight into friendships. Take it slow and steady to win the race, as they say. Some people will like you, some people won’t, that is the way of the world. Don’t let any little set backs put you off, confident people don’t. Everyone has little setbacks in interpersonal exchanges. But no one will ever mistreat you to the extent that he did. And you will find eventually you have all the interpersonal skill and emotional stability you need to maintain friendships that will nurture you. There are a lot of groups now that deal with climate change that need support, and local art groups are a fab way to sit with others and slowly get to know them. X
29th January 2020 at 10:31 am #96701
And of course volunteering at a local charity, worked for one of my adult children after a long illness.
29th January 2020 at 11:23 am #96704
Just took an offer from a neighbour for a cuppa, it went well.
29th January 2020 at 11:52 am #96706
Well there you go. And you’re off! What I found is that I did not think any one liked me because that is what he told me, many times. So when meeting people even if they smiled and sought me ought, I thought they were just being polite. It was very hard to realise that they wanted to talk to me, that I had value. I had to challenge myself to reach out in return. I then spent and still spend many hours agonising about each interaction, the other people’s expressions, what they really thought of me, their level of hatred of me. I assumed everyone hated me and despised me.
This is ebbing away and I am learning to just accept interactions and take them at face value and appreciate them and myself. It has been very hard. I was afraid of everything and every one. But some friends invited me to lunch yesterday and I went and it was so chilled and good. I had to accept that they genuinely wanted my company and try and drop the paranoia for that is what it is.
Please have a lovely cuppa with your neighbour and let us know how you get on.👍
30th January 2020 at 12:31 am #96750fizzylemParticipant
Walking group; prayer and meditation group; knit and natter? You been on the meet ups site? This has allsorts of meet ups on offer, but obs there’s more going on in the cities. Lovely to read you’re ready to branch out FS x
30th January 2020 at 3:33 am #96751
Hi fl. what are meet up sites? Not sure where to find out about it? FS x
2nd February 2020 at 10:09 pm #96973fizzylemParticipant
Google ‘meet ups’ and it will come up; there may be a womens empowerment group, or a philosophy talk, a book group or a meal out – it is not a dating site, its mostly for singles with a shared interest or for those who want to socialise for an evening, although its not strictly for singles, anyone can attend any event they fancy.
Also, have you checked at the local library re whats going on? Sometimes they have some good stuff / groups x
4th February 2020 at 1:01 pm #97062
Thanks FL. I have found a couple of things, lol the first one I was the only that turned up but I was so nervous it was just as well. The second one was for coffee but everyone new everyone else so I just went… I will try again..
13th February 2020 at 2:34 pm #97609self loveParticipant
Hi Falling sky’s
I’m glad you’re holding that head up, be proud of your uniqueness.
Don’t measure yourself up against others.
I know it’s been scary and things may well trigger off memories.
But spread the smiles around you, for smiling is contagious.
Just sitting on a park bench talking to somebody. Gets you out with the sun on your face vitamin d needed. Lots of people need human contact. Mobile phones away and lets spend time making someone feel heard. (Saying this on my mobile!
Anyway good luck a new beginning for you.
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