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I need to get a handle on this – I can’t keep feeling like I am to blame for everything that has ever gone on in our long relationship.
I want to list the issues we have that may/may not be abusive – more for myself to read back somewhere I hope he won’t see it.
– something that bothered me was that he would draw on me – pin me down in front of the kids and write things like ‘(his names) b***h’ he would find this funny and the kids would laugh. He would always write it somewhere it couldn’t be seen and it was a game to him, he thought it was funny. When I told him I hated it and I felt like I was being branded he said if he wanted to brand me it would have been done in places that it could be seen. He made me feel as though it was a joke and I just didn’t see the funny side of it.
– locking me out of the house/car – again, not a big deal and only ever for a few minutes, but again when he was in a ‘playful’ mood and always in front of the kids.
– when we were newly together telling me my friends were using me, even though I now know they weren’t, I went along with it and cut so many out of my life.
– sulking whenever I go out with friends. Not talking to me until I suck up to him (making sure I bring him something home afterwards for example). He never asks how my night went, did I have fun, how my friend was. In fact he refuses to go out if she will be there, even if it is something he has been looking forward to. Won’t tell me why he hates her other then that she’s weird! She knows everything and I confide in her so maybe he feels threatened. He’s been like this for many years and at one point I stopped going out all together.
– financial control – he holds the key to all the finances. I have a small allowance every month but can ask for money if I need it. He will give me money if I ask for it. He wanted me to stop work when we had our first child and at the time I thought that sounded brilliant – it wasn’t and I did go back
To work for a while but he made me feel so guilty that I quit. I have been dependent on him ever since. When I have worked I have given him small amounts of the money I have made towards the house. Recently I told him
I wanted to be financially equal, he told me that wasn’t possible as I had never made any financial contribution to the relationship. All lies! He hasn’t paid bills on time recently, he has got into a stupid amount of debt and can’t see that it will affect the family. He says that we always have what want so he should be able to have whatever he wants! I have no real idea what money we have or what bills are outstanding as I have no access to any of it.– sending me a text threatening to kidnap me one day, when asked why he says ‘because he can’
– constantly negative about everything, never wanting to do anything with/for the kids unless I arrange it. Always miserable.
– always asks me what’s wrong – even if I am the happiest lady around, he says I seem like somethings wrong. It makes me paranoid – like what is wrong, what am I doing to make him
Think something is wrong?– when we argue, which is rare as I rarely tell him when he’s upset me – it always ends up being my fault. We can start off with me being steadfast in the knowledge that I am within my rights to be angry – and he twists it so we are arguing over something else and I am defending myself over something that’s not even relevant – like the fact my housework standards have slipped since having our most recent child.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, could honestly write all night!
Xx
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No, it isn’t you. I recognise those behaviours. My ex did similar.
The unkindness and humiliation disguised as a joke, the jealousy, the financial control, the sulking on days out because he isn’t in control and it’s not all about him ( and he hates ‘having to be nice’), the veiled threats, the power trips, the sense of ownership over you and sense of entitlement to behave as he likes, the projection of his own unhappiness on to you, the refusal to take any blame, the steering of the conversation to other subjects when he knows he is losing a rational argument ( diversion tactics)…
All signs of an emotionally immature, unkind and arrogant abuser.
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Hi timetomoveon.
It is always the little things that are designed to undermined, to show his dominance and control over you.None by themselves in isolation might be seen as abusive and some even seem like a silly game.
Those little things add up. The children are learning from him how to treat or be treated in a relationship.
But to be honest there are a lot of red flags that tell me things are only going to escalate.
First of all he doesn’t respect you as his wife, a mother or an equal.
A good man would not do the things he is doing to you, full stop.
Serenity puts it very well.
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Thank you all so much.
I took the plunge today and went and joined a freedom programme. It’s the one thing I have done for me and nobody else, it’s mine. I hope to gain some insight and strength from it.
TTMO x
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Dear TTMO, it is like you are describing my ex… Someone so negative who didn’t have a nice thing to say, “jokes” like play fighting even though I begged not to, farting in my face and when I explained it was disgusting he’d still preceed to do it, even when I needed privacy using the toilet he would come in thinking it was funny, constant negative comments about my family and friends. All these little things eventually boiled up to him pushing me when I was drunk because I answered him back and then blackmailed me with information about my relative that he would share if I saw or spoke to my family. To summarise what you have described are all subtle ways of him showing he has no respect, like you are a possession. I’m glad you have taken a brave step forward! Please keep us updated xx
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Hey typo, your situation sounds very similar to kine. I get ‘told off’ for not cleaning the house with a young baby to look after whom he rarely helps with. I wasn’t sure it was abuse rill I wrote on here and had it confirmed. You’re worth so much more. You don’t deserve to be treated like that, no one does.
I’m calling women’s aid today, I’m due to be married soon and don’t think it’s the right thing to do but can’t seem to call it off.
Hope you’re doing well and have broken free? X -
Thank you Booboobeedoo and Mellowyellow,
Ive only managed to get to one session of the freedom programme so far, hoping to get to more after half term. Having a truly cr*ppy day today, just want to cry. About to post another moan, hope you guys don’t get too fed up with me.
Big hugs x
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Aw, now you need a hug – and probably a good job, to get you out of there!
I think you’re in a relationship with a man which doesn’t make you happy. That’s not ok.
As to how bad it is – have you seen this?
http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/
Try taking a highlighter to it – be honest (for example doing things in front of the kids which they laugh at IS using them against you) – and see what you get.
Take care of you x
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