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    • #72564
      Chocolatebunnie
      Participant

      My children are both under mental health worker. One is suffering with anxiety and is autistic. One is transgender, autistic, social anxiety and an eating disorder. It’s stressful, I have 2 younger children also. One other child who left home partly due to my husband. 5 kids who I adore.

      My husband this morning has said to my child who has had a bad night not sleeping and then sleeping and nightmares, to just get up sort themselves out stop wasting away their life. They woke up suicidal faced with an angry father.

      Both mental health workers have spoken about my husband. The first has said I must keep my child safe, he rages and it scares her. He’s worse when I’m out so she’s coming with me whenever I go out. The second said that some decisions need to be made, I felt that was I strong hint to get him away.

      I’ve tried before, I need advice but last time I text the refuge I backed out as the text back mentioned I had text the refuge if he saw omg!

      I’ve just text again, feeling hopeless.

      We can’t go on like this but he doesn’t do anything bad enough. In fact some days he’s lovely.

      Scared to break up my family, be alone with so much to deal with.

      Thing is sometime he is great. Then other times horrid.

      I’ve made a diary, no dates just moments to remember why I feel like this and reading it back there has been too many already.

      Why aren’t I strong why can’t I do this and just get rid, he wouldn’t leave me alone last time kept saying he must see kids each day, I allowed this so he did but it was horrid he was so cold to me and gradually I weakened.

      My kids deserve better.

      Tia x

    • #72565
      Borntobefree
      Participant

      Hi chocolatebunie
      You are strong .it takes a huge step to leave ..you can do this .. make a plan stick to it Hun ..you and your kids deserve to be happy from abuse ..things will not change it will just get worse ..hes gaslighting you
      Sending hugs X

    • #72569
      EbonyRaven
      Participant

      I’m so sorry you and your children are suffering this. It sounds like you are trauma bonded to him, and of course, when we are away from them it’s too easy to minimise the bad times.
      The people at the refuges are experienced in helping you to protect yourself, let them support you in this. You can do it, you have that strength in there. x

      • #72606
        Chocolatebunnie
        Participant

        My children’s issue are partly down to their autism and social anxiety. However, my husband has undermined their confidence by calling them lazy, fat, they’ve no future when they’ve been at their low points. He does nothing to support them, no cuddles just jokes around when he’s in a better mood. He has told my child going through transition with gender they will have to move out when they begin more serious treatment. I didn’t hear this, it was a discussion (detail removed by moderator) when I was out of the way. He is embarrassed by our children. Needless to say he isn’t supportive when I am low. He says I’m moody, which I’m not meaning to be I just need a hug and kind words when dealing with children who have been self harming and feeling suicidal. The last few weeks I’ve had to kick away meds, and check my child’s body to make sure their cutting isn’t infected or needing medical attention. Their father is part of their problem and most likely my sadness from his behaviour is affecting them also. So medical professionals might not say he’s the cause but a contribution.

        None of this feels real and it’s heart breaking. I do realise there is a cycle but I don’t feel he ticks boxes for controlling and emotional abuse, in that he’s not that nasty. He has been in the past. Or is it subtle, I’m wingein or I’m giving him a hard time, he’s alway joking I fancy other people but it’s made me stop talking to other men. He doesn’t shout at me it’s his aura and what he’s saying. It’s repetitive.

        Thanks all of you for the messages of support and I hope Diymum your daughter is feeling better now x

      • #72640
        Iwantmeback
        Participant

        Hi, not all abusers tick all the boxes, some don’t tick any at all, doesn’t mean they’re not being abusive

    • #72573
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Are you keeping a diary of how the kids are feeling – that might be valuable, also have the mental health professionals saying what is the cause of their anxiety? is it him? ive been through this but my daughter didnt have autism, she did have very severe anxiety and also had thought of harming her self (she documented this with her therapist) it was down to the way her dad was behaving towards her and me. I know your going to see this as a huge hurdle and you probably dont know where to even begin thinking about getting out of this. Children witnessing dv and being on the receiving end of rage is classed as child abuse. i think in this instance refuge would give you all the safety and support that you need. i know its scarey but try to organise an exit plan with the help of womens aid. i wouldnt be scared to go no contact with him from there. WA will probably advise that you let him arrange child contact through a solicitor. In the mean time ask the professionals around you and your kids to write a report on the effects his behaviour is having on you guys. feeling suicidal should taken as high priority with all the experts you come across.I would imagine theres a chance that he might not be allowed contact at all. Even if hes nice some days that dosent matter hes only doing that to keep you hooked in. You and your kids cant go on like this as youve said, dont risk their problems escalating. We all face so many obstacles like trauma bonding ,fear, worries about finances and then were faced with a choice our OH or our kids. with all of the afore mentioned it still feels like a very hard choice. But when he is scaring you all to this degree he has to be the one to be put to the side. its the only way if you want to get resolve. Your kids i bet would choose to have time away from him? they will then be given time to make informed decisions, you would be able to explain that this is not a normal or healthy life for them. Anxiety is a natural reaction to all of this, so is suicide, i know ive felt that way. This will stop with the help of all of the right people, you wont be alone youll have your lovely children xx i hope you dont feel like ive lectured you but i do feel real concern and as i said ive had a taste of this. its a case of getting the oxygen masks on its you guys for yourselves xx i hope your ok, stay strong much love diymum x*x

    • #72611
      diymum@1
      Participant

      she is alot better thanks CB 🙂 once she stopped seeing her dad it was like a weight was lifted off her. Can i ask is your husband on the autistic spectrum? i know this can be passed down. he should really be giving them unconditional love and you. my heart goes out to you xxxx

      for us my daughter saw him intimidating me infront of her, not once did he hit me in any off those instances, he called her one derogatory name and i stopped contact. You dont have to put up with loads of s**t from these men until you do something. If he is contributing to their anxiety then that contribution gone alone will help take the eight of them.

      for now while your still in this and them a good book to read is the second book written by lundy bancroft, its a book of encouragement when living with this. one of the tips i use is think of a peaceful calm place where you feel safe (in your own head) use this space when you feel scared or anxious. i kind of preserves you a little bit, takes you into a better mind set at least for a little while. it will help you to feel stronger and also to recognise how significant the things he is doing actually are detrimental. your coping mechanisms are denial and sometimes self deception, its easier to approach our problems like this in the short term. I honestly believe in time you will get out of this situation – read around the more subtle side of dv it is just as cruel to make people feel insecure and undermine them – thats what abusers do to keep you right where they want you xx much love diy mum xx

    • #72832
      Chocolatebunnie
      Participant

      I have appointment with rep from refuge on tuesday so will get some advise on how to move forwrd. Since spoke to my eldest son and told him alot of what ive been through some he knew and some he didnt, found out he was offered coke by my husband the night befoe i married him, great step dad.

      I just keep wishing this wasnt real, it isnt happending. if my kids werent getting hurt by his actions then I probablu would just put up wit it. My mum cant deal with this as my dad is same towards her.

      im just terrified to be on my own, my home needs so much doing to it and i live miles from my famuly and his are on my doorstep.

      Why does it seem to be when you really need peoples support they cant cope.

      Thanks for all comments much appreciated x

    • #72880
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Your very welcome ☺

      It’s a really big step and alot to think about. Your going to be overwhelmed CB 💕this is massively life changing for you and the kids. But inevitably for the better, that’s a given in your uncertainty. I get where your coming from I’m terrified of being alone always have been. DV actually makes you feel even more alone -you feel alone in your situation. Your family might not be strong enough to be by your side they love you and seeing you hurting will be overwhelming for them. They might not know where to even start? After being through this for me the only way was to get all of the professionals involved. Once your out your family will rally round, don’t worry about the house it’s only bricks and mortar, it’s you and the kids that are important. Maybe once your away from him you could move back to your home town? Get lots of support, you won’t be alone xx I hope you get some good advice to move forward xx 💕 💕 much love diymum xx

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