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    • #15989
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      hi,
      I just wanted to ask something. A the moment I’m making some note ready to so statment with SOIT officer. It seems to have caused a load of nightmares. What I would like to know is if it can be considered in Anyway normal for a man jo enjoy sex where you have force someone. Do men in general like sex with someone who is fighting. I did fight him but I didn’t scream cos the kids were sleeping….I don’t really know how to phrase it but I was fighting for a while but he spat on me to do it and I was dis sdisgusted so I fought harder and then I spat Jim because I couldn’t move to do anything else. I know it was horrible to do that. He got angry Nd hit me Cross the face which gave a nose bleed….that actually seemed to make home like it more and the same when I was crying. I can’t get my head round that. How can a man enjoy that…seeing you sob….how is that a turn on…seeing u go still after they hit u. I don’t understand it and I’m wondering if I just can’t be with a man. sometimes I think maybe I’m hay or something because I just wasn’t kindness.
      .do u think men are capable of this?? Maybe all men have fantasy about doing this kind of thing..

    • #15991
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Sorry…hope u can understand

      ….lots of typos

    • #16010
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, I think certain abusive men get a thrill from being in control. Even if it means hurting us. These men are dysfunctional. I’ve had good realtionships with other men so they are not all monsters x
      Try not to overthink things. Mine raped me because I said no. It’s just sex I was saying no to and he couldn’t accept that I was in control of my own body. It’s all their shame x I didn’t even struggle much. I was raped badly by him many years ago and I’m a quick learner x

    • #16011
      KIP.
      Participant

      PS We do what we have to do to survive x

    • #16012
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Just upset coz of nightmares starting again. Doing statement is really hard. just want to cry and feel like maybe that’s what all men are like underneath. I don’t know.

    • #16015
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hun

      Giving the statement will give u nightmatres so if u need to cry i think it s important to cry, i went through a stage where i blocked everything so much i couldnt even cry for the pain , im now at stage where i can recgonise my feelings , i know now how wrong iot was what he did to me, and i think anger is comming out and i just want to cry for what happend, i still have a vblock whoch im trying to unblock, so please do cry, even if u crying a bit at a time , we need to release this emotion not fight it . As for are all men sick like this, hopefully not but again ladies with more experience can answer this is as my abuser was my only partner ,but u not alone , my ex too just liked to have sex despite me saying no, fighting them off, they just get a bigger kick that they can force themselves into us , shocking but yes tears mean nothing to them , cry , dont cry they just want their sexual pleasure, its shocking how some guys get kicks out of gang rape, watching there partners have sex with other men, i really beleive there was nothing we could of done to stop them apart from leaving them. I too think will i ever be able to let a man get close to me again

    • #16020
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      I’m not sure if I can cope with these emotions. IWhen I was wiv him I just thought u had to deal wiv it and get on wiv things. Please don’t think bad things about me but sometimes I wonder what is is like when there is two women together. I’m so ashamed..maybe It’s all my fault. I want to cry but I can’t.

    • #16021
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Never is it your fault no means know. I lost my voice during the rapes. If I did anything to upset him during the day he took revenge in the bed room.

      I know not all men rape, and same sex relationship can have an abusive partner as well.

      I go through times when I have flash backs and relive the assaults and it horrendous. But I am due to start rape counselling soon and that might help you.

      Things will get better for you and me.

      FS xx

    • #16059
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      I just want to curl up and die. I’m a freak and I’m exhausted.

    • #16091
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hu
      Its ok to cry annd cry , sometimnes we need to release the tension, we seem to always think we cant cry but we can ,dont be hard on yourself, your brain knows how much u can cope with , i get days where i need to just switch off or just sleep , you will explore different sexuality options , again its your way of processing what happened

    • #16119
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      What if he’s right I’m frigid because there’s something wrong wiv me? What I am gay of something?

    • #16133
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      I can’t cry..and I don’t think I can finish the statment. I know they have to, bit they question everything and want every detail. when I think about it, I realise that im never gonna be wiv someone again.

    • #16176
      Confused123
      Participant

      i was the same at the begining i couldnt cry i was in so much shock, but slowly with counselling i began to cry slowly, i feel the same some days think will never be able to let anyone get intimate with me again , but im just taking things slowly and focusing on recovery first,hope u r getting counselling too

    • #16182
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Some men watch a lot of violent pornography which can make them think that it is normal to have violent forceful sex. It isn’t normal. It’s a highly specialized form of sex: BDSM that is always based on safety and consent and communication and is pre-planned. But when some men watch this porn they believe that this is the normal way to have sex. It isn’t. Needless to say there is usually no bruising or drawing of blood in BDSM.

      Once you have properly healed from all of this abuse and trauma, you may want to receive rape and sexual abuse counselling and then maybe see a sex therapist. These professionals can be women.

      You are not a freak and you are not frigid. Sexual relationships should be about mutual enjoyment. Both people should be enjoying themselves. Not one enjoying to the detriment of the other.

      This is very important because sex is when we are at our most vulnerable male or female. We are naked and we are exposing ourselves to the other person’s five senses of sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste. It can be an intense experience and unfortunately sometimes that can be intense negativity as well as intense positivity.

    • #16187
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Thank u both so much. Sahara u r so smart. I been sleepless and having terrible thoughts (detail removed by Moderator) a letter to tell them all the details of what he did….relatives who sent me back, the people who said I would bring shame on my kids, the (detail removed by Moderator) who told me to work on my marriage. I think about (detail removed by Moderator), so that they can never escape their part. I don’t think I’ll ever be with anyone again . I’m frightened that they wud be the same..because he was gentle in the beginning but one I was young Virgin things changed. u can’t have an inexperienced teenage bride then expect her to be like a porn star. I’m never ever gonna forget him grunting away on top of me while tears and blood run down my face. I think maybe other men just hide it better I dunno. I had one male friend who was really kind to me ….but my head is full of images of him getting more excited the more he hurt me So sorry to talk about this.. ..no courage to talk to someone in real life…doing statment us bad enough.

    • #16188
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      I hate him…..but sometimes I still love him. why??? I hate him so much how can I love him a bit too???

    • #16240
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      TMI…sorry Lisa.

      I need to cry. If I don’t cry (detail removed by Moderator). Don’t know what to do.

    • #16243

      Dear ladies, i’m so sorry to read about your awful, dreadful experiences. I do hope that eventually you can recover from what these animals did to you. My ex was not physically violent nor did he rape me but his overall persona was one of Gods gift to women, he had a huge arrogance about him which transferred into the bedroom, this was very controlling to me outside the bedroom and when we were in bed he would lay back hands behind his head and wait, or just not do anything. I think it was a power & control thing, my role and the general expectation was that I approached him. The same with No Contact, i have a feeling if i contact him now, beg, plead and beg for forgivness he might consider giving me a “second chance”. I’m afraid none of this is equal, respectful or caring is it.

    • #16249
      Ayanna
      Participant

      He was just another sick male monster. This world is overpopulated by useless sick male monsters who have nothing but violence against women and children in their heads. My life will be without men for sure. That gives me freedom and hopefully one day happiness again.

    • #16271
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      He was someone I loved who did that to me. why? so long without cutting…now Im giving in yo it.

    • #16286
      Confused123
      Participant

      NO Hun

      Dont go back to cutting, u doing so well even though u dont feel it, i cant answer why they did it, i loved my ex so much too but he still hurt me loads, sometimes i think it gets to a point do they even know its wrong or care, sadly it just comes down to getting their satisfaction. why are u cutting yourself, is it to releif the pain , do u think if u see the blood that u deserved the pain cause u didnt, it was him that was wrong, i know when my ex used to hurt me i was tempted to cut myself cause that gave me acknowledgement that if i saw the blood i was a person and what was happening was real cause i couldnt beleive this was real and happening but truth was it was happening and i had to console myself that even if i sliced myself and saw blood the abuse had still happened, this is where couselling helps me so much, i think u need two counsellors, one to deal with the d v and onther obe for rape , i saw a rape counsellor when i was younger and her words were so strong and positive they have stuck with me for life and made my thinking so strong , rape counsellor will really go deep into your thinking and how he made u feel and help u recover and a d v counsellor again will make u understand and see things from a different view. When i went to first see my counsellor i actually said yeah so iv e left a (detail removed by moderator)year abusive relationship, he did x,x,x,to me but i cant see it as that bad even though people say abuse was horrific when i tell them i just feel like a failed wife. THe reason why im telling u this is cause your brain is processing everything thats happened and we sometimes cant even acknowledge it happened to us and our mind starts focusing on certain parts of the abuse and ourmind goes on over drive, we think yeah i know that happened but actually admitting it happened to u and it was bad is different . I think counselling will help u so much , again i read your posts and listen to u ask yourself why did he heve to hurt u like that, i used to be same and ask mmyself but i loved him so much why did he have to spoil it by trying to kill me, it was already spoilt cause he was beating me up , sleep depriving me , demanding sex constantly , putting me down but alli could focus on was why did he try kill me with the knife, hope by reading this u get strength to put that knife away and continue to seek professional help and guidance , feel free to private message me anytime u need to talk. Remember this is our battle, we are not going to let these prats who we loved so much destroy us anymore, nomatter how hard it is lets face our fear together

    • #16363
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Oh confused….absolutely everything you say rings true. I cut because it meant that I could see the pain that I felt inside…like I was letting it out and the blood showed me how bad I felt inside. I’m desperate to make deep cuts to release what I feel. Things are harder because I’m literally scared to talk on the phone..so I just use teXT and email but WA lady is hopeless at email..think its just not the way she works. I think the police lady gave me number for someone to ring to talk but I never phone anyone. You are so right in saying u can fixate on one thing….I so this…replaying the scene of the sensations. I think it’s worst to because I’m exhausted. I love my kids to bits, but I wanted to stop at three. I don’t wanna cut because they are getting to the point where they understand a lot more. I don’t wanna give them this example..but I so desperately want to…which is why I’m talking. I dunno if I actually have gay feeling or if what I really want is kindness and I feel that may woman can do this more. TBH any female friends in my own back ground steer clear of me now….coz they can just about accept leaving..but sensing him to prison..shaming the family…nahhhh. I been months without doing this to myself, but the exam and doing the statment made me wanna chop myself up.

    • #16371
      Courage
      Participant

      Big hugs, please don’t cut, you can be stronger than that.

      Honestly having thoughts about being with a woman is NORMAL. So so so so common I cannot even describe. I’ve had it, I’ve experimented…would you say I deserve to be beaten and raped because of it? Of course I don’t.

      Be kind to yourself, imagine your best friend came to you and told you what you’ve written in this thread, what would you say to her? That’s the voice we have to listen to, not his, not our own that’s been tainted by his words but the one we would say to others in the same situation, that’s where our rational, compassionate selves are

    • #16390
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Really?? I feel bad that I think about it..Then I wonder if maybe I caused him to do it, but I don’t think so because in the beginning I loved him and I tried to do what he wanted. I feel like maybe a woman could look at my messed up scarred body and maybe still love me but I don’t know if a man can do that. I feel like he branded me and for a man they couldn’t look at something that’s physically ugly. I would be afraid of a man that maybe hes going to be ok them turn on me. I hate the night time..How long can I carry on?

    • #16406
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Aww, I send you a big hug!
      You are amazing. Do you know that?
      Imagine how brave you are. You fight for justice, look after your kids, do exams, … You are a hero!
      No man can do that! Only a woman!
      Please do not be hard on yourself! All what you do is great. The time until the court is finished is awful. It feels like living in hell. But there is a better life after that.
      Send him to jail and do not care about the judgmental people who view your actions as shame instead of heroism.
      Can you do nice things for yourself, such as lush baths, going for a coffee or cream cake, going for a walk,….?
      We all here admire you and your strength. No need to injure yourself. Injure him, by placing him into jail!

    • #16422
      Confused123
      Participant

      HI
      Im glad u could relate to what i said about the cutting, this is why u now must tell yourself the abuse did happen and not do the cutting, i know loads have prob said int ie it gets better, but it really does, it has taken me 18 mths to realize teh abuse i suffered was bad, that he tried to kill me was so wrong, beofre i just used to say yeah i suppose it was bad, iam now at the next stage of actually having feelings where i feel cross and upset , u deal with the abuse at different stages and in differnet ways, i notice wheni ask if u r doing counselling u never respond, please consider it, i know its difficult to fit in with kids, dont worry if people in community have stop talkingto u, the same happened to me, when i refused to go people blank me, they get over that too in time

    • #16464
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Ha ha not amazing Ayanna. I meant medical examination rather than exam…pretty thick at them..but dead good at my job….which means I can provide for my kids.
      confused..lots of people said about counselling but I have the idea talking too much will make it worse….In my head I have a little box where I try to keep it locked up. I said more on here than to anyone other than police because I fear that if I open the box I
      will lose control of all the bad thoughts.
      when I cut I feel.almost ecstatic…The blood is like tears I feel.like it let’s some of the bad stuff out. I used rub soap powder in the cuts and the terrible pain blocked out the other thoughts. I’m trying to pray all my prayers and use that to focus my mind and remind myself that my body belongs to Allah. several months passed without me wanting to cut but after having people put tubes up me to look for scars which in the end has produced some evidence which he’ll just dismiss I feel hatred towards the by body…The gift I was given from God. I want to slash it to pieces for being so disgusting to punish it for being violated and shameful. sorry I know I sound crazy…I just needed to tell someone how I feel.

    • #16465
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      When I cut there is one thing that plays on my mind…that when he did what he did he got all my clothes off even though I tried to hols onto them, so I was naked and this means he could touch all of me and spread his poison like a horrible savage sound everything I hate…because of that image of is hands and mouth everywhere I want to cut to get rid of the dirt.I believe that Allah is merciful and that he left me alone on that night for a reaaon, but I can’t have mercy on myself for not being able to stop him.

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