Viewing 5 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #58001
      Horsemonkey
      Participant

      After a number of years with my ex being in a coercive and controlling relationship I left.
      During our break up we had to live together. He upped his abuse and kept me awake every night, followed me, tracked my phone, smashed up my room, stole my underwear, threw abuse constantly, broke into my email account, recorded me whilst I was in my room. I finally broke after he convinced me I was going crazy and then said he’d take my kids and never see them again. I threw the contents of a cup of tea at him. Two days later he got me arrested. I admitted to the tea throwing and received a caution. Since then he has made accusations continuously- suggesting he was a victim of violence, taking drugs and mentally unstable. He refused to let my children have counselling, stopped me having family therapy and blocked my kids from going on trips and after school activities. Then he pretended to be my child and made an allegation of abuse against the head teacher. I decided to take him to court regarding the children.
      He threatened he’d find some dirt if I didn’t agree to50/50- I refused. So two days later he made a complaint to my employer due to my caution years ago and I’ve been suspended, awaiting an investigation. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Anyone who tries to help me he threatens legal action. He contacted my gp and tried to discuss my medical history and then threatened legal action because they broke his confidentiality by informing me!
      I’m at a loss…this is becoming unbearable.

    • #58010
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi horsemonkey,

      Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

      I’m sorry to hear about your situation, I’m concerned that you can’t access support due to him threatening legal action. Coercive control is now a crime, your employer should consider you have been through domestic abuse.

      If you haven’t already Please do call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. You deserve more support with this.

      Take care and keep posting

      Best Wishes

      Lisa

    • #58015
      Iwon
      Participant

      Horsemonkey
      You poor poor thing. My ex did a lot of similar to me. I will say to you what I wish someone had said to me. Try and be calm. You know you are going to be ok. Be calm. Don t run around desperately defending yourself because it makes you look more guilty.

      Go through the process professionally at work and be truthful and transparent. He wants a reaction. Don t give him one.

      You will get through this.

      (Detail removed by moderator) Blessings

    • #58025

      So sorry you are experiencing this. The only element I have to offer (and I know it is only one thing) is to get hold of a printed copy of your medical records. As such it is a good thing that the practice told you about your ex. When you have a copy you can check it for entries and correct anything you need to, for example it should be recorded on there if someone has phoned up and made an accusation.
      Good luck
      ftc.
      x

    • #58170
      Horsemonkey
      Participant

      Thanks everyone. It’s so hard to remain calm, particularly when you feel your whole world is falling apart. I am very resilient so keep going regardless. My employer is taking no notice of me, despite the fact that my ex is also in a really high position in our organisation. He is using his position to get away with it. It’s scary how unsupportive people are when it comes to dv. The organisation want me to provide evidence that I am a victim but are accusing me of being a perpetrator. It’s hard because I want to show that I am not abusive and still defend myself. I can’t have this man control my life forever. It starts to feel that this is no life

    • #58201

      I’m so sorry this has happened to you and that you are having to be very strong in a situation where I am sure actually you must be quite fragile inside.

      Would emphasise what others have said about the ‘staying calm’ bit, but at the same time acknowledging this is really hard.

      If it is any comfort at all, I’m sure (and this is what happened in my case) – that there are very few of us if anybody who experience abuse without getting some sort of feelings like anger. I managed never to throw anything at my ex, but later on (Detail removed by moderator) of course the mudslinging started, and by the tone of what he was writing about me (Detail removed by moderator) – you would have thought that I was the worst person (and the worst mother) on the planet. It was just attempted character assassination.

      Nearly a (Detail removed by moderator) later and of course my child is thriving under my care. And all those voices, including some from my birth family who said – it was me who was the abusive one..never turned round and apologised or reflected that what they did was quite plainly, morally wrong.

      But it has been really hard at times because I still feel a sense of shame about it all, which is not easy to shake off, and which not many people understand. Along the lines of why didn’t my own family see what he was like instead of believing everything he said (and blaming it all on me).

      I am thinking about your employer wanting proof of what you have experienced. Would a simple letter from a domestic abuse recovery organisation help? If you have a support worker or could get one (not social care, but sometimes housing associations have them, or independent organisations…) could you attend the freedom programme or a women’s aid thing and get a letter saying you have completed it?

      I found as many do, that staying organised and even things like making bread helped – with a focus on my child’s wellbeing.

      Unfortunately, there are people in this world who don’t understand d.a.
      thinking of you and wishing you all the best
      ftc
      x

Viewing 5 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content