25th July 2022 at 1:42 pm #147540
Hello all you lovely ladies, I do hope you are all as OK as can be.
I’m having massive massive doubts about myself at the moment and need somewhere to talk it through.
My ex has now accused me clearly of parental alienation. In trying to ensure my daughter is safe when she sees him I am now being accused of this, despite the fact that he still sees her regularly.
He has now involved some of his family members who appear to be egging him on for want of a better phrase.
He is kicking off at me daily now and has massively flown off the handle at me today. He has said and done all sorts of horrible things over the last couple of days, particularly today.
He is putting massive doubts in my mind about if I am doing the right thing. I only ever want to do what’s right by my daughter. She wants to come home everytime she sees him and often doesn’t want to go at all which I have mentioned before. He is claiming that I am purposefully alienating her from him and accusing me of being a terrible parent by doing this. I’ve never said I bad word about him to her. I don’t want to to anything to damage their relationship which he is accusing me of. I’m worried that maybe I am being too harsh not allowing overnight stays. Though then my head tells me it’s the right thing as he drinks too much and can’t look after her. And then he tells me it isn’t an issue and it all gets muddled in my head.
I am exhausted constantly telling him no. I sought some advice and their advice was to stick with saying no and to let him take me to court if he doesnt like it.
But I’m exhausted and feel sick everytime he contacts me about it.
I know there are options I could take and I think people don’t understand why I don’t take those options (such as injunctions etc). And I don’t understand why I don’t either to be honest. I just don’t feel ready for that next step yet which makes me feel incredibly weak and silly.
There is a constant anxiety ball sat in my stomach recently, just waiting for the next contact from him or the next drop off and pick up times. Why can’t I take action to put more things I’m place? What if I am not being reasonable and am all the things he accuses me of? 😢
25th July 2022 at 3:50 pm #147542HereforhelpParticipant
You are not at fault here lovely, your ex is still abusing you and using triangulation tactics by involving his family amongst other abusive behaviours.
This jumped out at me from your post…
“I only ever want to do what’s right by my daughter. She wants to come home everytime she sees him and often doesn’t want to go at all which I have mentioned before”
Your daughter is telling you what she wants and doesn’t want, you are her voice sweetie, she doesn’t want to see him for a reason, have you asked her? (without encouraging her to see him). I don’t know how old she is of course, if she’s too little to understand then she is is going by what she senses (from him and his family).
I was told it would be in mine and my children’s best interests for me to go ahead with the legal side before my ex. I have done the things necessary to keep my children and myself safe from my husband’s continued abuse as I had to to protect them. I think if there’s any way you can distance yourself from his family first (they have no right to be involved, this was your relationship with their son, they are going to be biased and focused on their grandchild. No matter, she’s your daughter and you are her rock, you are a great mum as you got out, now it’s your child who needs your voice. Come on mumma bear, find your roar and use it to keep your daughter safe (and you!).
I rang SS myself asking for their help as I no longer trusted my husband around our children and wanted to put safety measures in place. They were helpful as I was asking them for help. Get in there first Shazza, your partner has recruited his family for a reason, to help him bully you into what HE wants.
He is an abuser, he drinks, you do not trust him, do not let your daughter stay with him if you can possibly help it.
Grey rock method is really good, do you have to speak with his family? If not then you do not have to listen to a word from them. You can apply for mediation and you may get it free if you get certain benefits. That way you do not have to talk to him, see him and in my experience it is once the abuser has no contact (as legally he has broken the law and the law can help you if you feel ready to put a stop to his continued abuse). There’s no point in talking to your ex, no matter how rational you are as he is incapable of being rational, abusers can mimic rational but it is an act. His aim is to get what he wants, on his terms without thought for you or your child, his needs and wants will come first to him. Mine kept telling me how i broke up the family, it is your fault blah blah.. they all say this, they say it to tap into our emotions.
Of course you didn’t want your family unit to change but that’s on him Shazza, he abused you in terrible ways.
Keep taking baby steps and pushing forward Shazza, it is worth it to be free, you have already done so much and that’s testament to your strength. Although it can feel like you really cannot take another step keep pushing, be kind to yourself ❤ you have suffered so much already and you survived.
Keep posting x
26th July 2022 at 6:40 pm #147591
Thank you hereforhelp for your kind response.
I have asked her though she is young and so I don’t think can articulate how she feels. She just says she doesn’t want to go as she misses me. Which feeds into his ‘she’s too attached to you’ theory. He has said we need to make her more independent of me but she really is with other people. I think she senses maybe that he isn’t capable of looking after her properly but I dont know for sure.
What type of safety measures do social services tend to put in place if you dont mind me asking?
I will continue to say no however hard it gets for me as I want to protect her.
In terms of his family, no I don’t have to speak to them, I can block them which is good.
You are absolutely right in terms of it all being about his needs first. He tells me he wants whats best for her but he’s the one refusing to leave the family home so that our daughter can have her home back with me. It is completely about what he wants and certainly not what is best for his daughter. Yes he said similar to me funnily enough, I’ve ruined her life, I’ve caused this etc.
Baby steps all the way, it’s all I can manage xx
26th July 2022 at 12:09 am #147564EggshellsParticipant
You are doing do well my lovely. It is hard, very hard but you are fighting for your daughter.
I understand that you don’t feel ready to go for an injunction. I’m wondering how you would feel about going completely non contact and organising for a third party to sort out child access on your behalf?
I am concerned that your daughter doesn’t want to be with him. I’m wondering what he is exposing her to. As hereforhelp has said, I think this may need some outside intervention.
26th July 2022 at 6:43 pm #147592
Thank you eggshells. I am tempted to see about having a third party to arrange child contact. I feel so pathetic, I literally hid when he brought her back the other day and let my family member open the door as I couldnt face him any more. They thought I was being dramatic.
He doesn’t know how to look after her, how to comfort her, how to take care of her basic needs. He has never put routine, structure or boundaries in place for her. Throw being drunk into the mix and how that changes his behaviour, I think she just doesn’t feel safe and secure with him. Before we left he was starting to project his insecurities onto her which was what gave me the push to leave as I didnt want it happening x
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