Need your back up and support in coping with him

[godschild]

Im struggling to keep on top of what he is saying to me at the moment seem to have lost strength and would appreciate you behind me in validating what he is trying to do to me.
Within 10 minutes of seeing him this morning he was subtly trying to demean me. I have been having a lot of knee pain and struggling to walk so thought I would get a stick to help.
Trying to choose the right one the other day was awful, I cant make decisions and ended up in tears always thinking of what he will say about how much it was so went for the very cheapest I could find on E Bay at £3.50.
It came yesterday and I could not work out how to adust it for my height, took it out and he said to me why arent you using it, I said beacause I dont see how to adjust it, he did not look or show me, he delights in me not being work something out and has a look of triumph on his face.
My knees are bad today and he said why havnt you used the stick repeating the same question as yesterday , I said I told you yesterday he said im trying to get SENSE out of you !!!! then he said I think you have brought the wrong stick !!! anything to demean me and my decisions and judgement, its an adjustable stick, I checked the height range and the weight limit !! its him not listening to my logical answer then he adjusts it in seconds.
He has this mocking look on his face and is out to pull me down today.
Then he said I dont understand all of this nonsence , why you have changed so much over the past two years , I have told him and given him books and a website yet he still says my stance with him is nonsence. Then he said if People would write to me and explain why you are like this I would listen, ( anyone want the address !!!!! only joking )I said ive explained and given you things to read, he then said I wont listen to you only others !!!!!
Yesterday he stood by me and said, I hold my hands up, I know I am a big part to blame in why the marriage has brokendown !!!!!! then half an hour later said he was going to divorce ME for unreasonable behavoir, keeps telling me the way I speak to HIM is not the way to speak to your Husband , speak to me properly !!!!!!
Only having once a fortnight support from Womens aid on the phone is not helping, I need back up and strength to keep on top of him and his attitudes, I had that but seem to have lost it as Im feeling very low and down.
He changes what the says and contradicts all in one sentance, Can’t leave due to disabilities so need support in it.

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Dear Godschild, try not to feed him responses, I can clearly see he is messing up with you. He contradicts himself only to give you hope then wham big slap in your confidence levels by disintegrating any sense of respect, dignity, even using sorting your walking stick within seconds…how sick and sad…i can feel your pain and despair…

Please try to detach yourself from his remarks, his looks, his nonsense, he clearly wants the upper hand.

Try today to take no notice, try this tactic and say nothing. If it becomes impossible, go to the toilet and shut your mind off for a few minutes, wash your hands as a mean of distraction, please try. It may work but you need to practice.

Being in physical pain wont make the situation easier…why do you say you can’t leave because of your disability? Is there no way at all? Why?

Please keep posting to let us know how you are. During your times of need of help, try to find a coping mechanism to take the edge away from his manipulation. He is clearly hitting the right nerve with you. I think somehow we, victims, all feed our abusers the ammunitions they crave for and feed on, ie our weak points.

Try more silence, don’t feed him replies, make them short, dont get into a conversation till your fortnightly call if you can. Observe him in your head, take note of how he upsets you rather than the upset he causes and watch how stronger you become by detaching…
Remember that what he says and does is in order to allow his abuse to hurt you. Dont succumb to his attempts.

I hope this helps temporarily. Detachment is a great tool. Love yourself and repeat this to yourself: I do not need to react…it takes practice, believe me.

I will think about you today and hope you find strength. You have my validation, sending you hugs from wherever I am xxxxx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Godschild, I am genuinely in awe of your continued strength managing to cope with his continual attempts to upset you. I have been no contact with mine for a long time and I still get affected by self-doubt, indecision and fear of his judgements. I know for a fact that if I was still in contact with him I would not be able to think as clearly and be as patient as you are. You show such courage and dignity.
They really will take full advantage of any opportunity to undermine. Try to hold onto that very strong, unbreakable part within you that he cannot touch. Show yourself as much compassion as you can muster. I pray that you will find a way to get the support you need to no longer be dependent on him. Try to keep an open mind to all possibilities. Sending love and strength to you x*x

[Serenity]

“I won’t listen to you, only others.”

That statement is cruel and disgusting, negating you completely. How dare these abusers exist in relationships where they treat others so? Better that they had not entered a relationship at all, than treat another human being in this way.

That statement is important. That shows, on a scale, the depths of invalidation and unkindness he is capable of. Don’t listen to the moments when he is being more reasonable or appearing to take responsibility- that is just him realising he has gone too far, and trying to haul you back in again to regain the upper hand, so that he can appear reasonable and start dictating to you all over again, trying to make you feel lesser. Being with him will be a constant game of push and pull, it will be cyclical. His more reasonable moments are just tactics: the cruel moments are the real him. He is showing you who he is: believe him.

I truly acknowledge your health problems. I suffer from the same physical illness as you ; I also suffer panic attacks and agoraphobia rears its head at times, though I know your agoraphobia is worse than mine. I truly feel that you need to pull out all the stops to make people aware of how damaging your home set-up is and get some help to change your living circumstances.
These abusers won’t be ignored: if you start to ignore his comments, he will probably try to change the goalposts and do something else. They don’t change.
They need to affect us like people need air.

Big hugs X

[godschild]

Thankyou Ladies. Bridget Jones, I saw how you were winning and getting on top yesterday and could sense the victory you had as I was like that a few weeks ago but Ive lost all strength as you said having the physical pain is not helping. I will read and re read what you have advised and try to put it into practise.
I have have struggled with agoraphobia for decades and then monophobia which is a terror of being alone for 20 plus years, so very dependant on him and NO support my grown up married children have turned their backs on me totally and my Daughter is controlling and manipulative like her dad.
Peaceful pig thankyou for your encouragment and care , i just dont know why im so down and low now when I was getting on top of it and being so strong with him.
Thankyou Swallow I will try to put your advise into action as well.
REelly appreciate your input ladies x

[Serenity]

Godschild,

Is there anyway you could consider moving into some kind of sheltered housing, on account of your disabilities, where you wouldn’t be living completely alone? Could you talk to anyone about this?

I really feel for you, and do know how hard it must be for you.

Keep strong x*x

[godschild]

Thankyou Serenity for your care and understanding, there is no way that I would be able to cope with sheltered housing. You have to go shopping and look after yourself, I cannot go out without our motorhome for safety, i would be isolated and never get out which would be intolerable.
My home is my place of safety , I cannot go out in the the built up area in daylight , my monophobia is very severe I cannot be alone for my length of time at all, mine is also called one person specific that is HIM I know this irrational but phobias are, he is no safety to me at all, bit thats how it is.
I had multiple agencies involved at the start of the year and it was an utter waste of time and stress, I did not fit their criteria, even the community mental health team.
So many of his statements are cruel and negating of me, I tried for years and years to get at least some emotional support, Womens aid I called many times and they that unless I could get somewhere to meet a worker there was no help, yet this year I was told by the DV24 hour line that I could get help by phone, but now its only once a fortnight and finishes in July and that is my lot, there is no help or support for my phobias , the phyciatrists and nurses havnt even heard of monophobia, they have to google it !! yet anxiety UK the leading support for phobia’s have much knowledge of it, I even had my blue disability badge taken from me after having it for 9 years so I could park near to places to help, my GO doe not care a hoot either, just need to be able to get stronger again like I was and get through each day, he knows I am not tolerating him and have left emotionally this is why he is stepping up his demeaning of me, but with the ladies support on here I hope I will rise above it again. Good to have my feelings validated as to what he is doing xxxx
My situaikomis hard ot understand if you have not suffered the severity of thesecriplin gphonbis which are ddep rootd, I was a feraful child and nver liked ebing alone sio it wsthe and he has just added ot it. xxxx

[Serenity]

I can understand. When my ex left, I couldn’t bear to be alone. Last night, I went out and spent the whole time trying to hide a panic attack. I can imagine that this X 1,000,000 is your situation.

I am at a loss as to what to suggest, but in terms of him, your work could be to try to find that place within you that you can escape to in your head and that he can’t reach.

See his awful comments as a symptom of his own internal turmoil and anger. You are better than him. You are stronger.

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you.

Your situation will be in my thoughts and if I hear of anything helpful to share with you, I will do so X

[godschild]

Thanks again Serenity, sorry you struggled last night,I used to get panic attacks decades ago , but mine is more sheer terror now and anxiety thro the roof at times and when alone its like dissapearing , dissolving into nothing and sheer paralising terror.
In daylight and built areas I feel like I have fallen a cliff and am suspoened in the air in terror, thats the only way i can describe it and being in a massive abyss.
I do much better in the countryside and away from home.
Will try the escaping into my head, others have said that, thankyou for your understanding and kindness xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi godschild,

I feel for you. I remember that low place , living with my abuser. It really is a horrible place to be in. Its telling you you shouldn’t be there, with him. But to get free is a process and can take time. It took me a lot of time but eventually I managed to free myself from the abusive relationship and have hope, you will too.

You are gaining in strength (even though you may not feel it or realize it) by coming on here for support, sharing your thoughts and feelings and reading the other ladies’ posts. You are preparing to be free from your abuser, by coming on this forum. You are changing, he is not and you are the only one who can end the abusive cycle, he never will, he likes it this way with you hurt, upset and low.

Anyway the ladies have some great suggestions about detachment. What helped me was I would keep a small notebook in my pocket and every word he said to me I would write it down, without him seeing. This stopped me reacting to him. And then I could really see what he thought of me and how derogatorily he spoke to me, much more clearly.

Another good phrase is ‘You could be right’. Or ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’, with as little emotion as you can muster. Abuser’s thrive on our emotions and as Bridget says, they just want our reactions. Easy to say, hard to do I know when you’re with them.

The other thing that helped me but please judge your situation first, but I used to repeat back what he said to me, word for word almost. This was to stop him verbally brainwashing my children (and to stop him convincing me I was mad). For example:

Abuser (shouting at me): ‘You’re mad! You need to see a doctor! You’re destroying this family! You’re bullying me!’ You’ll be leaving this house!!’

Me (in response, in strong firm voice)

NO! YOU’RE mad!
NO! YOU need to see a doctor!
NO! YOU’RE destroying this family!
NO! YOU’RE bullying ME!’
NO! YOU’LL be leaving this house!

I found this worked for me when he was chasing me around the house screaming at me and I was locking myself in the bathroom. It worked better for me to shout whatever he said back to him. Even my children seemed relieved.

But other times I would just say it in my head. For example, when he would mutter under his breath, ‘you’re pathetic’. I would say to myself ‘NO! You’re pathetic’.

He would then have the cheek to tell me I was being childish but then I wouldn’t have to resort to the childish t*t for tat if he wasn’t such a t**t! lol

[godschild]

Thankyou lover of no contact, I will try these methods, he sounds a lot like mine with the things he said to you, thanks for understanding. I know I have been stronger but this low patch now is difficult but maybe part of the process of getting stronger, I know I have support and people to turn to now on here, its so hard really facinghow awful he is and have hung on to hope of him changing but recognising more and more how horrible he can be to me xx

[Starmoon]

Hi godschild I hope you’re feeling brighter today. It is utterly shocking the lack of support available for anyone suffering anything mentally. I know everyone says it but if we had cancer that was life threatening- we’d surly be at the top of a list for treatment, not on a waiting list. Any form of phobia or mental illness (I hate the term mentally ill)… It’s a waiting list years long for minimal and poor help from people who often have no idea how to really help.
This place has been my sanctuary many many time. Help from you and from others has saved me on my darkest of days.
There’s always someone to offer helpful and supportive words. You can always private messege me or any of us.
I have a feeling these men real us in because they can see we are already vulnerable and pray on it. I know mine made me believe he was saving me from everyone who had ever hurt me. He always knew I was someone who didn’t like to be under pressure and that my biggest hope for life was a happy loving family, so of course I fear losing that more than anything. He’s made you totally dependent on him and made all of your anxieties a billion times worse. As many of you have said to me- a loving partner would help support you threw your anxieties and problems. They wouldn’t belittle you and make you feel bad for having them. Xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Godschild, sorry that you are feeling so low. Is your DV worker able to suggest anything to help you deal with him, are you finding her useful? Sending you hugs and hoping that today you may be feeling a little better. xx

[godschild]

You are so so right re help Starmoon, I gave up on NHS years ago and these Men do seek out vunerable people in my opinion.
Thankyou for the offer of private messaging likewise for you.
Mine has worked from hom for a longtime to accomadate my phobias but he has reaped so much in reward in having such control over me, he says how goeo he is for doing it but it has made me a sitting target and he makes threat to leave when he doent get his way and has left me several times when in a very abusive mode xx

[godschild]

Hi, I get to speak to her tommorow but on the phone and a strict hour , will see what she says. I have no energy , tired and no enthusiasm all I want ot do is sit in the countryside, he had taken me yesterday and sat by the canal, doing similar today its hard to get out but once there I feel more peace and of course he will not be horrible when there are people around.
He dose not like the fact that I am not coming back to him as I have for years putting up with it all and taking the nicer “false ” side, he is very frustrated that Ive made a complete stand against it , so he is trying to to get at me and put me down anyway he can.
I posted on your post just , how are things with you today is he any calmer and did you manage to sleep xx

[SaharaD]

Hi Godschild

Seems like you need 24hr supported accommodation or a live in carer.

Have you ever thought what you would do if he was not there?

How would you cope if he died tomorrow, or got arrested and put in jail, or has to go to hospital long term?

Would your life be over? Sounds like a lot of trauma bonding and co-dependency.

Obviously this situation is not going to carry on forever. Women tend to out live men. Maybe you never think about the future because it’s too scary. I’m a bit like that. I can’t set goals and I just see the future as bleak.

Just some things to think on? Being so isolated and dependent on one person is never good.

[godschild]

Thats right SaharaD, I am sure there is trauma bonding but cannot find any good proffesional councelling to help.
I cannot bear to think of him not being there, but if he wasn’t I would have the house to sell and could afford to pay for help.
I actually do feel my life would be over , that is the depth of severe phobias.
No one can say who out lives who , anyone can die anyday.
So so many people have turned their backs on me when I need support so I have not chosen to be isolated people just do not care even my own children, everyone turns their backs.
At present im trying to come to terms with all he has done and im really struggling and cannot take on what ifs, im in too low a place to look at any more burden , I can only deal with so much at a time and try to get stronger.

[godschild]

Hi (detail removed by moderator), I have been where you are many times unable to go out at all for long periods of time over the decades I have suffered so I know how you feel.
I can cope for very short periods of time as long as I know he has his phone on, which mostly he will but when he gets really mad he has gone off and switched it off, which is horendous.
I do need someone pretty much most of the time, I have in the past talked to someone on the phone when he has popped out
I live in fear of him having to go somewhere and he has had to attend hospital this year a couple of times and I had to go , it was very very hard to do, but caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
It wasnt so bad when my mom was alive as she sat with me and My son used to be caring and would sit with me but he just ignores my plight now.
Sheltered housing would not work as I need the security of someone with me and you have to look after yourself go shopping etc.
I was friends with a lady, she has dissapeared off the radar now as they always do but she had monpohobia and she lives just a mile from her Mom but when her husband goes to work she has to know her mom is in if her mom has to go anywhere she has to go with her, she sleeps half the day to just get through on her own, she does not have agoraphobia so a bit easier.
I read about a man who used to go to work with his wife as he could not stay alone, it is not uncommon I have over the years written to several ladies who have it, without the agoraphobia is it a bit easier. Some people are so severe with it that they have to have someone go room to room with them cant even go to the bathroom without someone with them. My Husband has a workshop here and im fine in the house then when Ive had a breakdown of which ive had a few I have been afraid in the house alone, but on a normal day to day, im fine as long as I know he is around and about.
Glad he is a bit calmer today, hope the day has been better for you. x*x

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