Needing advice and support

[bubbles]

Some of you know me some of you don’t but I was an abuse victim some time back. He went to prison for mainly other offenses and assaulting me and his other ex. He got out very early through and appeal for the other offenses.

Ok so I moved to get away from him once he got out I cut him off and blocked him this was a few years ago. I’v been working on myself and my work i’v been happy I’v been involved in a few minor relationships but i’m too wary of them, have trouble trusting and can’t form bonds. Anyway other than that i’v been great however he found out where I had moved to for a while I’v been getting the odd note through my door no threats just a “I miss you etc letter”

Anyway I found out a guy over the road grew up with him and is still pretty tight with him (I thought he’d driven around looking for my car to find me but nope somebodies dropped me in it)
A few weeks ago I posted a full body selfie I have been doing allot of work on me so I have to admit I looked good.

I got flocks of attention for the selfie and among the messages there was one from him through a friends profile saying I looked good and he was sad he was missing me.

It’s snow balled from there. My house phone started ringing (I’m ex directory so I dunno how he’s got it) It was ringing around 10+ times a day I never answer it anyway but I googled the number and it was a company which provides the same services he does in his area (I knew he’d set up a new company but knew nothing about it) I’v unplugged the phone

A couple of days ago my kids were playing out we took all our front fences down so the kids would have a big playing area together and all of us watch them. He came up the street in a van and sat outside the house a few doors down this was the first time i’d seen him so didn’t know what he was driving so god knows how long he’s been watching me. I called the kids in immediately locked the door and closed the curtains. He wasn’t there long then he left.

Since then I’v seen this van twice. The situation is escalating. This is the first time I’v spoken about it to anyone I have a “I can sort this myself” Attitude which I can’t help that’s just me I can’t tell my friends or family that’s just me too. I’m starting a video diary recording everything but I really dunno what to do. Last night I layed in bed thinking about stuff and I realised I am actually scared which is hard for me to admit. I don’t know what’s going on, how long he’s been watching me what sort of a position he’s in etc

I can’t go into refuge and move he will only find me again so uprooting my family putting them in to refuge causing all that fuss for nothing is pointless.

I don’t want to go to the police but i know if I want help i’m going to have to. The trouble is, is he has no address he never has he lives where he can with friends and family I dunno where he’s living his work is not based in one place the police have always been so rubbish at finding him. If I call the police for each individual time I see him it will be daily. I also don’t want the whole social service involvement again the kids know none of this he hasn’t been mentioned for years and if they find out he’s back stalking they will flip out. They are no longer babies they are big kids so they will find out and my daughters a worrier. Not only this but dealing with social services could also ruin what i’m working for. I’m hoping if I keep a video diary and get a few incidents on it and go to the police with that It’ll be more effective.

Thankyou for reading I needed to get this off my chest to someone does anyone have any advice? I’m at my wits end with it all it seems what ever I do wherever I go he will find me. I don’t contact or see him and haven’t done for years I can’t fully move on because of him. why won’t he go away? nobody elses abusers have stuck around this long without kids being involved (My kids arent his BTW) I just don’t get it.

[starchild]

Call the Police

report him he is stalking you ..there are new laws …I didn’t go to the police …but I was never physically assaulted in a way that could not have looked like anything other than an accident.

Mine is same… I tell my support worker every little incident. There are new laws regarding stalking and the use of coercive and controlling behaviour.

only way to stand up to is to involve the police …sorry …in my case hindsight would have been a wonderful thing

[Serenity]

Hi Bubbles,

I know you don’t want to call the police for various reasons, but I think you need to.

Law enforcement is the only language they understand.

Sorry that you have to go through all this again. Emotions are your enemy in this type of situation ( my DV worker told me that): don’t let rising feelings of fear force you into silence or hiding. Expose him and ask for help x

[VampireSBite]

I do not mean to scare you more than you already are but stalking can be a prelude to harm. Real harm. I don’t know your story and about your abuser and what he is capable of doing but profile of abusers says that they are much more dangerous after the victim has left them. I watched a story on youtube called “married, single, dead”. Call the police and take care of yourself.

[older lady]

Hello, please get professional advice on this. I have experienced stalking and know how frightening it is. He has a criminal record and no stable home. Do you see why he is acting out of self interest and not because of good feelings towards you? He will take all security away from you and your children. Contact your local domestic abuse advisory service, and think about getting advice from the police about how to proceed. Stalking is terrorising and the stalker is a risk to your own and your family’s welfare and safety. I agree with Serenity about fear forcing us into silence or hiding. I think its crucial to have no contact with him whatsoever, not even a look. He will be looking for the c***k in your armour, his excuse to try to push his agenda of further contact with you. There are organisations that offer advice and support to victims of stalking, and if you look on the Women’s Aid website under ‘useful links’ you can find the details of these. Take care, xx

[White Rose]

I agree. Take advise – women’s aid helpline or your local group and phone police. If it was some one you didn’t know doing this you’d be worried and following through with call to 101 – knowing it’s him makes it harder but it also means it’s even more important.
Whatever his motive he’s got you rattled and that’s what he wants. Don’t let him get the satisfaction of wearing you down – nip it in the bud and fight back.

[bubbles]

Thanks guys I dunno what to make of this all. This morning I got a note through my door telling me he was moving far away so just wanted to say goodbye. Iv explained my situation to another survivor here it’s very difficult and complex there’s allot for me to lose by calling the police more than protection registers etc it could seriously change my life and ruin opportunities for me. It’s hard to explain without giving too much details. I seriously don’t know what to think of this note at best I can hope he’s telling the truth and he’s going at the worst it’s a part of his plan to try jilt me to get back with him (which will never happen). I watched the “Married single dead” doc which was quite worrying because he never smashed a laptop but there was a time in my life where I was lucky to keep a mobile for more than a week and just gave up on having one at all. In my old house there was actually an impression on the wall where my phone had hit it so hard the buttons and everything had left a clear imprint in the wall! He’s not very tech savy though never has been so the internet is a very safe place for me! I just dunno what to make of all this x

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Oh gosh love I know you don’t want to call the police but I really do think you ought to!
Or perhaps could you give the NCDV or the helpline a call and see what help they can offer you?

This sounds like a terrifying situation and has escalated really quickly, I don’t want to scare you but it is very worrying. xx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi bubbles how are you? I’ve read this and can see why you’re feeling the way you do. Are there any ways you can make yourself feel safer? Are you able to get cameras for your house? What about buying a dash cam for your car? They are fairly cheap. A personal alarm which you can put in your car or your keys is also another thing which can help. Please be wary and vigilant and maybe go and stay with family or friends for a few days? (detail removed by Moderator) what he’s trying to do is to appear randomly back in your life to catch you off guard and to stop you from continuing no contact. He’s obviously got bored with the last victim that he now feels that he needs to try and reel you back in. Keep the notes and even touch them wearing gloves because hopefully he has left his DNA on there which is all part of evidence. Speak to a Solicitor about getting back a restraining order against him and also speak to the helpline. I know you say that you do not want to involve the police but your safety is more important than any opportunities. Your safety and your children’s safety is the other thing that comes first. Keep posting and feel free to private message if you need to. Whatever the do don’t give him a reaction and if he gets close to you either run in your car lock the doors and drive very fast or set your personal alarm off and scream and if you’re able to record the incident on your phone. If the need to do it without him knowing don’t reced his face you can keep your phone face down on the seat and still record his voice that’s still classed as evidence. We are all with you!!!!! X*x

[Savingmyself]

Hiya lots of abusers circle around their ex victim
Mine still pops his head up wanting to get back in my life and he has moved on with another women for a few years now so it is common with them
Trying to recycle rinse repeat
You need to get some advice and make sure your home security and your children are safe at all times
He wants your attention that’s for sure .
Keepeing silent will not keep you safe
It’s okay to have support .
Hugs xx

[Confused123]

hi hun

seriously log this with police , best way to protect yourself and kids, and keep the no contact up

[Author]

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